Indifference

Amused he would sometimes remark that I treated him like he meant nothing to me. May be he was indeed just mocking me or may be he sensed the truth. Because deep down I didn’t just feel intense love and admiration for him. I also felt profound hatred and jealousy. He got everything I wanted in life and he became everything I wanted to become. Especially the stories he told about his father made me smile and cry at the same time. Because that was the one thing I longed for the most. And I still long for it. Even though it’s too late now. I search for that love in the men I meet and the friendships I make and end up wrecking my relationships. This is why I am alone. And I want him to know that. But he never will understand that side of life. And that’s why when I see him, I act indifferent. Because how does one show a mix of love and deep loathing at the same time? I would want to both hurt him and love him passionately. There’s no room for that kind of expression here. We are after all just work colleagues.

Validation

Life is a celebration of freedom if you are able to see it that way. I mean I want to say this. But what’s really on my mind is this. Life is a struggle, it’s a pain. On most days. On many days. On some days. This is that struggle between the part of me that wants to be positive and the part of me that wants to express. Both are important. I think expressing is important because it’s important to know what’s really on our mind.

But yes I want to be free and it’s possible. When we get rid of any fear we feel liberated and then we realise that anything is possible. Anything can be done. But in the course of living life in this society that fear tends to creep back in. And so it becomes necessary to be in touch with ourselves once in a while. Take a break from humanity, lock yourself up in your room, go to a village, mountains, whatever it takes. It seems like a dramatic step of escapism. Yet I feel, it’s not dramatic or extreme at all. It is actually rejuvenating and should be treated as a necessary periodic ritual and nothing more.

I say this, because today I feel the need for this. I yearn for human company to validate me, to make me feel wanted and needed and appreciated. I think this is an indicator of the fact that I have lost touch with myself.

Learning to not care

Should we write or perform for likes and praises? I have been guilty of it. Every writer or singer or dancer or actor must be. But what works in the short term, doesn’t always work for the greater cause of creativity or skill development. Many actors / writers have been known to wish that they were not famous, so they could be free to experiment. And writers often take the cover of anonymity and pseudonyms perhaps for the same reason.

Yet today it is easy to be famous. If not on national TV, we can be famous in our own social groups, schools, offices, friend circles, etc. While praises and likes from our friends (turned into fans) is a great motivator to keep churning out content, it makes us want to stick to what works. We may become skilled at being liked, not so much at the art itself.

I believe that the habit of producing content regularly itself is not so bad. It keeps us on our toes. We keep learning and improving. It stops us from becoming complacent. But to do so one must first learn to cut out the flow of both positive and negative comments. CEO of VaynerMedia, Gary Vee who has a following of 8M on Instagram, and has become a source of motivation for many entrepreneurs and artists, often talks about not caring about the opinions of other people. In fact he even believed that Instagram should take off the likes button.

It would make a lot of sense then to have a time for posting content and a different time for logging in again and going through notifications for that post. Just so that we can remember that we were not performing or writing for the sake of likes.

Just a diary entry

The best stories come from a place of honesty. That’s why it’s easier to write a good story than narrate a good story. Because you cannot be as honest when you are talking. Atleast I cannot.

I am feeling especially angry today, may be because I realised yesterday that I have friends with whom I can have fun, but I don’t have real friends. No friend who will listen to my boring shit, my practice routine, my stories of what makes me want to go on, my past and why it affects the decisions i take in the present. A friend would be someone who would listen to it all when I speak and be interested. Because he / she is interested in getting to know me. It’s funny how people are not interested in the real deal.

And yet I find that hard to believe. May be my stories are not inspiring yet because they don’t have a successful ending. But when it does have a successful ending I will have many friends admiring my stories. But they also won’t be real. Aren’t friends supposed to be people who stick with you when no one else believes in you?

What was the point of it?

I lost all this time in my childhood when I was struggling with many things. And now that I am finally free, I still feel that others have an upper hand. And somewhere I keep wondering what advantage must I have gained by what I went through in my past. If I lost out on precious time, I must have gained something. Wisdom? Empathy? I don’t know what it is. But I find myself desperately holding on to my past for this reason. Trying to search for some unique quality I may have gained by my time spent on it. Because while others were busy honing their talents, I was busy overcoming struggles. So that seems like my talent?

That doesn’t mean my share of struggles have come down now. Far from it, my struggles have caused unhealthy behaviours in me that still make me more susceptible to struggling more in life. Unfair isn’t it?

Perhaps one way is to switch off expectations. Let each moment, both good and and bad happen as an experience. And keep watching my own life like a TV show. Because it probably isn’t getting better by a huge degree. Or maybe I’ll manage to make one or two changes that will bring some shifts towards good. But it will always be unfair. There will always be others who got a better start, as there will be others who got a worse start.

So here’s to smiling every moment and experiencing it without feeling disheartened.

Art

I think the first time I wrote something good was when I was reading and searching for something that would help me ease how I felt inside. Something that expressed what I felt. And when that didn’t happen I wrote it myself.

Perhaps creating art is not a straightforward journey of learning a skill. It is a journey of appreciating and finding life in other people’s art and then living your life. Talking to people, getting your heart broken, feeling joy, feeling pain. Allowing yourself to feel and deal with extreme emotions through art and then one day that emotion will express itself through whatever art it is you are using to deal with your emotion.

May be. It’s just a thought.

Facing and fighting

These are some very difficult days. The temptation to get netflix or amazon prime is also high, because I would love those hours of distraction when I would be taken to a new world. But I have been avoiding this temptation. Whatever this feeling is, I don’t want to distract myself from it. I want to face it head-on, deal with whatever emotion or unhealthy behaviour is going to surface in this time and turn myself into a better person.

Having said that, I also realised today that I may have been getting too hard on myself. It’s alright if I miss out on few things during this time. This is not about winning some championship. The lockdown is harsh in many ways – I cannot outsource cooking / cleaning / washing, I have to deal with more documentation work in office (the kind of work I hate but I need to still feel grateful for), and then there is all this practice that I have always wanted to do. it’s ok to skip one thing out of all this every day though. I don’t think it’s possible to do everything everyday.

I wish I journaled everyday though. It will really help me to stay in touch with my emotions.

How to get what you want.

Instead of running behind something you want, try and make the best of what’s there in your present. May be you badly want Job B, but first do Job A really well. There is no way to Job B through escaping Job A. First be the best at wherever you are. And do whatever little you get of Job B like it’s gold. This is something I have been working on lately. To do whatever’s on my plate with utmost dedication. It’s not easy to do this. But prayer helps. Gives me the emotional strength to put this into practice.

I must sound crazy for putting “how to get what you want” in the title like I am some life guru. But I believe this is the secret to getting what we want from life. We chase some esoteric or complicated solutions. In the process, we sometimes forget the present and I believe the universe knows what we want and builds the way to it, if only we focus on giving our best to the present moment.

Patterns

I am addicted. To a person. I crave his voice, long for his phone calls, feel his hugs, co-dependence at it’s best. I dream of living a life dedicated to him, forgetting all of my own dreams and just doing my best to make his dreams come true.

I know this won’t happen. I also know that this SHOULDN’T happen. That’s why I push him away as much as I miss him. I know he’ll be my end if I let him consume me. He feels it. He gets affected when I pull away. He enjoys the attention and admiration. He knows he has a control over me at times. He also feels it when he loses the control. I affect him. I like the fact that I affect him and he is unaware of this situation. He doesn’t understand our chemistry as well as I do. But I can see my father in him, and parts of past abusers.

I know he is a repeating pattern. Yet I can’t stop myself. He is not an abuser. Atleast not intentionally. He doesn’t realise how his actions hurt. He rationalises them, believes he does it for my good. Just like my dad would say.

I am making excuses for him. Because I feel fond of him. Deep down though I know that I am playing with fire here and if I succumb, I fear I am going to let it consume me.