I’m starting to feel disconnected from every body from my past. Even talking to my sister has started to feel like talking to a stranger. I wonder sometimes why i talk to my parents. I hardly know them and feel zero attachment to them. And when I think about this I wonder who I feel any attachment to. When I was a kid, there used to be some friend or some guy I liked that I would feel attached to. I would take comfort in having them around. But I think that was a different me, I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t think I have any single person to whom I am attached to in a way that I would feel warmth or want to stay in touch. Everything is so transient. Tomorrow none of these people are going to be around and I will remember them just like I remember my sister or parents like people I know from a movie I watched long back. And this is not sad to me, this is just strange, very strange.
Not that I had gone anywhere. But I’m back from feeling like I need a guy in life to replace some void created by another. I’m back from suddenly becoming a person who was seeking love and validation outside. And I’m now no longer a person who attaches her identity to being a victim of bad parenting and sexual assault. I am now a proud person.
I love how I changed my life, took it on a path that others can only dream of and after all the uncertainty I am now stable on this path. I’m proud of being a person who is not stuck to social norms and has carved her own path through all sorts of obstacles. I can see myself achieving my dreams very soon. All of them. One by one. So no more going after people who only cheated me or used me or treated me like I meant nothing more than someone to fulfill their needs. I suddenly don’t even care enough to be hurt by them. I just have better, more important things to do. And only those who value this about me may stay. Others are free to leave as they can cause me no good.
I always believe that we meet people because there is some message that they must pass on to us or we must pass on to them. And when we get an important message from someone we tend to feel attached to them. Nevertheless, they must leave when their job is done. And it hurts to have to move on from that. And we may ask why…why do we have to go through this pain of separation again. And I ask, if the separation had not been so hurtful would you remember for life what they taught you. It will hurt for as long as it must to change your life. And once your life is on this new path they won’t seem that special, that important because their job is truly done.
So we only have to surrender to the pain. Move on and open ourselves to new experiences. Every time we break down and rebuild ourselves we have become a better version. Pain is only a reminder that there are some things about ourselves we need to work on in order to grow. To feel proud of ourselves without needing the validation of another. And may be in the here and now things seem uncertain and hurtful but if I were to compare my life to how it was an year ago I have to acknowledge that life is much much better and more colourful and I have so much to be thankful for.
It still hurts as I type that life is better because inside me something is screaming no it’s not. And I respect that feeling. Life is not great, it’s painful and I surrender to that pain and let it be that way.
Sometimes you just can’t make sense of why some things happen in your life. Why meet someone who touches your heart only to be tossed aside like you mean nothing to them. Why should we go through more pain when there is already an endless supply of it and all you are looking for is some respite from it.
I usually know. I understand why something happens and how I must make sense of it. But today I am blank. I don’t understand why I must keep going through hurt from family, from friends and now even from people I just met. How careful can one be.
I refuse to meet anyone now. I refuse to try to do anything at all. I want peace. That is all i demand. Peace of mind. All I ask is to get some space away from all the people shouting their expectations at me. I want to stop listening to anyone and I want to stop caring about how my actions hurt anyone. Clearly, others don’t care how their actions hurt me.
I am today questioning again why I must live. Not because my life is devoid of passion but because I am devoid of any will to continue this struggle.
I want that one solution that will help me to bring peace in my existence. So I can quietly focus all my energies on music, without being distracted by pointless pain. Please give me no more drama. Please instead give me strength and mental peace to look after myself alone.
How long can one live in the fear of being hurt. How long can we guard ourselves and think before we take every step.
It’s true that it hurts like hell when we take off all our masks , break down our walls for someone only to be let down again. It takes away all our energy but isn’t it better that we see the truth sooner than later.
If we feel scared of being vulnerable we will be alone forever because there will be nobody, around whom we can be our true selves. If we are looking for that one person to spend our time or lifetime with shouldn’t that one person make us feel accepted for who we are and not some pretend version of us we bring on dates to impress.
We could play mind games or act like we don’t care so that we don’t come across as needy. We may win the battle of impressing someone for one date or few dates but whom are we really fooling here? That person or ourselves? We are trying to say that the real version of us that expresses how he / she feels and trusts and gives his / her all to one person is not good enough. But then how will anyone love us if we are so ashamed of ourselves. Better be alone than in a situation where we have to manage what we say, when we say and how we feel all the time. It is better that we spend some time alone till we find someone who won’t reject us for being emotional and vulnerable around them but will respond to this brave gesture with respect and sensitivity.
If I were to tell you the one thing about him, that was hard to forget, it was his eyes. They shone brightly when he spoke about the things he loved, like when he was telling me about the songs he was working on. His face was otherwise calm and quiet. It was only his eyes that gave away the eagerness and intensity of the emotions he felt inside.
They had that infectious quality. We would be watching a movie, me snuggled cozily in his arms, slightly leaning on him and there would be that one funny moment in the movie. He would laugh and look at me. His eyes and face would just light up and there would be that pure moment when I just wanted to go ahead and kiss him.
Yet the first few times he tried to come close I felt like I just wanted to vanish. I didn’t want it to happen. I hoped we could just sit like that. That he would not try to take things forward. And the first time we kissed felt awkward like it was happening before I was ready for it and I could not feel anything. But the beautiful thing was that it only got better as we got familiar. The more we kissed the more I started loving the feeling of his lips gently sucking on mine and our tongues touching playfully. And I felt so comfortable in his arms that all my walls just melted away like they never existed.
And that was the thing about him. He was not the high that overcomes you suddenly and dies away as quickly as it came. His effect was gradual in a way that you would think that it means nothing to you but when you realise how he had affected you, it was a little too late to back away.
But why won’t she just stay calm and let things be
Why hold on too tightly to something then erase it all
Like a middle ground makes no sense
Swinging like a pendulum
from unbelievable happiness to unexplained grief
Though life is always good
In its own delicious way
It mixes the right amounts
Of moments of happiness and those of pain
If only she knew how to ride the waves
Instead of drowning herself in the highs and suffocating in the lows
If only she knew how
But the only way she knows is to throw it all away
Step away from the water
And watch longingly
From far far away
when you are trying to get a hold over your life and thoughts
out of nowhere
a realisation of reality comes to you and you are hit
by this wave of overpowering emotion
that makes your legs weak and your body tremble.
You shut your eyes tight and clutch yourself.
Because the only other alternative is to scream loudly and run away
to no place.
Because there is absolutely no one you know who can help you with this.
Because you can’t explain the extent of helplessness.
Because you are alone in your fall
and you are doing something that is your only shot
at making your life work and if anything goes wrong ,
you no longer have any alternate plans
there is no loved one out there who actually knows how deep in shit you actually are
and despite all this there is a child in you who doesn’t give a fuck and just wants to while the time away,
not care about bills or security or future.
Just do what she stubbornly wants to do
and then you look around and there’s no one else like you.
Everyone seems sorted.
Pretty girls with time to groom and chirp around
and people who are going around travelling and having fun and reading books
and doing regular jobs with a career plan
and going out for dinner with their gang or boyfriends or girlfriends
and knowing what’s coming next
and knowing how to love without screwing up or getting screwed…
not having to lie about themselves to anyone…
living a life where they know they always have a loved one to go and hold when things seem scary.
I don’t know.
May be this is an illusion.
May be no one really has that sense of security and instead of comforting me this thought scares me more
because that means this is how life is always going to be
and i don’t seem to be handling this well…
so does that mean that something is wrong with me mentally?
that it’s not my life after all..the one that’s screwed up is me…?
Some random thoughts
Thought 1: I don’t know what life will be like when I grow old. May be I’ll be bed ridden, may be I won’t remember anything. May be I won’t grow old. May be I won’t live that long. But today I can say one thing confidently. I would’ve lived well. Every day since first stepped out of my home, has been a journey towards self discovery and every day since I quit my job has been a life of living my passion. May be I haven’t reached where I wish to be yet. But that doesn’t matter. The fact that I am on the journey now, that itself gives me peace. So even if I die today, I won’t have any regrets of not having done something. I am doing everything I can.
Thought 2: When someone tells you that they are taking the risk of pursuing their dreams, most people get judgemental. They tell them they are not ready yet, that they should take it slow. They need to learn this and improve that before they can even start.
That person has decided to take the risk, why make them look back? Help them make it work. Or don’t say anything. Why discourage?
Instead why not do this. Tell that person they are amazing for having taken this decision. If you can, guide them as to what can be done next. Applaud them every time they achieve a small success. This way you will give them the strength to continue. And persistence is all it really takes.
Thought 3: As a performer , when I put myself out there on the stage for the audience to judge, sometimes I lose sight of my goal. Pleasing the audience becomes my sole aim. Then in moments of peace, by meditating or clearing my head, I realise that my goal was to perfect my ability to sing and my understanding of music. My goal is to become a musician and a singer that I can listen to and feel proud of. And my goal is to spend my lifetime on this path. So may be the audience didn’t like me today, but it’s not supposed to happen in a day. May be pleasing the audience is the short term requirement that is important. But if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean there is no other way of achieving my main goal. The focus should be on working on my main goal every day and one of life’s miracles will unfold and I will find a way to make it happen. I know this sounds like a fantasy. But I have experienced this. Doors do open in ways we would never imagine. As long as we spend some time working on our dreams every day or every alternate day, we can be assured that doors will appear to new paths.
Thought 4: Plans can go haywire. What worked for the last 5 days may stop working now. You may lose things unexpectedly. You may have to start from scratch and it may all seem like a waste. But all of this will add up. So keep planning, keep trying new ways, keep restarting and keep retrying old ideas in new ways. You will be happy about it one day.
That’s it for today. I am not going to promise that I’ll write every day. Because I never keep that promise. But I am happy that whenever i write these days, it’s because I am very happy and I want to share my happiness unlike old days. I am glad that this blog is one place where part of my journey from difficult times to happy times is recorded for me as a reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am today! Thank you God, Thank you Universe, thank you bloggers, thank you Music, Thank you to myself for bringing me this far :). Good day and Merry Christmas!!!