What makes me unique? Despite everything? I don’t give up and I have love in my heart for music. And I am living in misery, some of which I created myself. Yet everyday I drag myself. And if I ever have a family, and if I ever make it to the top, I’ll have the strength. May be. Or may be I need some friends. May be friends are important. They are the anchor that keeps you from drowning. Family is important. When you have an unsupportive family, you will definitely be weak.
So no. I am not strong. Determined yes. But I WILL break down easily. Struggle has not made me stronger. But perhaps it has made me wiser. And I could write a story. May be it has made me kinder. When i do have friends and family, may be I will value them.
May be this is necessary for art. To have a life that’s different. To feel pain and be able to write and sing about it. But I have lost the ability to empathise. I am so lost in my own pain. May be combine my pain with empathy and may be I can write stories. May be if I could view my own life as a story. And be a viewer. May be then I would be able to see. May be then I can step into shoes. Become a completely different person. May be then I would jump quickly from one experience to another, instead of being stuck on one for days even after it’s over.
May be that’s what is missing. Perspective. The ability to view my life as a story.
How long can one live in the fear of being hurt. How long can we guard ourselves and think before we take every step.
It’s true that it hurts like hell when we take off all our masks , break down our walls for someone only to be let down again. It takes away all our energy but isn’t it better that we see the truth sooner than later.
If we feel scared of being vulnerable we will be alone forever because there will be nobody, around whom we can be our true selves. If we are looking for that one person to spend our time or lifetime with shouldn’t that one person make us feel accepted for who we are and not some pretend version of us we bring on dates to impress.
We could play mind games or act like we don’t care so that we don’t come across as needy. We may win the battle of impressing someone for one date or few dates but whom are we really fooling here? That person or ourselves? We are trying to say that the real version of us that expresses how he / she feels and trusts and gives his / her all to one person is not good enough. But then how will anyone love us if we are so ashamed of ourselves. Better be alone than in a situation where we have to manage what we say, when we say and how we feel all the time. It is better that we spend some time alone till we find someone who won’t reject us for being emotional and vulnerable around them but will respond to this brave gesture with respect and sensitivity.
I have been forced to pause and it’s driving me crazy. I was ready with a plan and a lot of hard work put in and now I have to helplessly sit around waiting because of sickness. If my voice doesn’t get better before Sunday all the hard work I put in might go to waste. I mean in the long term, the practice would have helped. But I was really aiming to sing well this Sunday. I had spent hours practising for this Sunday’s performance and in the last week I have not been able to spend even half an hour on it. Singing is like the fuel inside me that keeps me wanting to go on living. And now I feel aimless. Like some big part of me is missing.
What should I do? Should I just let go? And do what?
What if instead of fixating on what I cannot do, I try to figure out what I can do. Like take up a course that makes me better at sound editing or movie making or some other skill. Or practice piano better. But I am fixating and obsessing. It’s my childhood all over again. Instead of focusing on the present and making the best of the things I was getting then, I kept fixating on how I didn’t get to learn and practice music. I still got to read and write. I could have been a great student of engineering or computer programming. That skill could have helped me become a freelancer now.
So much can be extracted from life if we knew how to stay calm and think long term.
Some say we are nothing but tiny dots like any other rock or sand particle. One day we will cease to exist and just become one of those rocks again. Others prefer the more mysterious “the universe exists for us and events in the universe are connected to events in our life” theory. You cannot deny that everything about us, our brain, our society, the things that drive people to do great things, makes you suspect that there is more to us than we are able to see or understand with our limited abilities.
I like to believe this. That we are more than we understand, and an important part of universe. I also believe that when we die our understanding will expand and we will see things very differently from how we see it now. But I am not sure I understand why we put ourselves in this situation of narrow point of view.
Most of my understanding of life comes from experience and observation. I don’t think I ever had an “I just know it” moment. But I have noticed that some people are just wise. As if they are born with it. And I wonder how that happens. Did they have experiences in their past life that made them wiser and they just know that to win at this life they have to remember that wisdom. Is it like a game we keep playing till we get everything right? Or is this a very human way of thinking? I for one get obsessed with redoing and rectifying till I get the process right. That I could never manage to actually get it right in the second, third , fourth , millionth attempt is a different point. I mean every time I think I know the answer, and I will get it right this time, life throws a different variable into the equation. And I almost always get that part wrong. So do experiences really make you wiser. Or is there something else here that I am missing? Some Zen level understanding of everything without actually having to go through an experience. Some access to collective wisdom?
I see myself as someone who can produce written content very easily. And with that end in mind, I am planning to have more extempore writing in my life. I see many hurdles here in making this a reality. Unpredictable and busy schedules, volatile moods, etc etc. But I think this needs to be a part of my identity. What I do every day. Write on a topic. Any topic. I can expand this later to include a poem or news comment or something like that. Just to extract more benefit out of the routine. But for now it is a preparation-less writing. To keep that outlet of expression open and active. I don’t want to discover later that lack of use has made it impossible to get anything useful out of my writing without getting a tonne of junk along with it.
I bought one more book on my flight back from Chandigarh. For the thousandth time, I bought a book that I would never read again later. Can you blame me. The book called “Reflections” is a compilation of Swami Vivekananda’s speeches, both speeches by him or about him. But I didn’t finish the book, so don’t take my word for it. It’s a difficult read.
Reading is a bed time activity for me. Yet somehow I fall asleep more with my phone than with my book. That needs to change.
So yes this writing exercise, is around the idea that I attract more situations in my life that revolve around how I see myself. Do I see myself as someone who can write easily. Then I will be presented with more opportunity for writing. Same with singing. When someone asks me to sing a song I feel unprepared and unpractised. Also right now I have very less singing videos online. (You can check it here https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGZlBikGn-b1oh1Q6oMFD0A?view_as=subscriber).
But the reason for this is, I feel I have to prepare a lot before posting each video. I want to be someone who can sing off some song every day on demand. So I plan to make videos every day where I sing a song that comes easily to me. That way I’ll slowly have an identity of someone who can sing a song easily.
Of course this means that the quality of my content may seem to suffer in the beginning. But I think it’ll catch up in time. Also I can always keep deleting content.
Keep going even though it seems dark. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You just owe it to yourself to complete what you have already started. Don’t give up just yet!
Caused by his walking in and leaving
The hope that rose in her heart and got quashed once again
As if life is attempting just that
Take the hope out once and for all from her heart
Hurt her so much that she dare not hope
She must give in to fate
and say whatever you say
You lead the way
But she’s stronger than fate knows
She can wait
She can live with the pain
She refuses to give up on this dream
As she never ever gave up on any dream
May be he’s not the one
May be she is going to have her heart broken countless times
And cry in pain
but she will never give up and give in
She will learn to be stronger still.
Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.
I didn’t know this growing up. But I was always in a state of longing for something. Something that would come and change everything. Make my life good. And I could breathe a sigh of relief. Then I figured I need to leave my home, because that was after all the source of all negativity. But no, you cannot detach yourself that easily. Your family has control over your head even from miles away.
Any way…no one knows my struggle. And today I meet people who judge me for my decisions and for how far behind I am. What do they know.
The fight all my life was
For getting into the game
But now that I am here
I am far behind
The last person running
New players have entered
And they mock me
Because they are already running faster
I have after all grown old
And I have baggage to carry
So I am running , dragging
But I am slow
And I take too many breaks
It’s not good , because
no one here is going to listen to my reasons
I am all alone again
I am on the path of my dreams
But I have no friends
Okay so I am writing this post in the capacity of a singer. But I think it applies to any one doing anything creative.
Honestly I couldn’t understand the importance of deep focus. I used to do all my vocal practices, scales, breathing exercises but with a lot of distractions. Would take breaks every five minutes to check my phone or watch some TV show. And I had convinced myself that as long as I am doing the required practices, it didn’t matter what I did in between to keep myself going.
But my attempt today to shut off all distractions and only focus on my vocal practices made me realise how important it is for the creative process. Not to mention, the time I save and the number of things I could do today despite the brief period of depression in which I kind of lost control and switched on my phone. I think being forced to confront your feelings of boredom or fear or past issues can have that effect. But it also made me come out of my default automated settings.
I started thinking about what I was singing and what practice I was doing. I thought about how I could do these things in a better way. I spent time listening to music and observing how each emotion is represented in the language of music by different artists. My mind had the space to think about all these things instead of being focused on mindless entertainment fed from TV shows or mobile applications.
And getting the space to ponder over things and being able to confront emotions and channel them into creation is so important for the creative process.
Look at my blog too. I wrote three posts in one day. Because I have been thinking about things, I have been struggling with emotions and I have been thinking of solutions at the back of my mind. And some of it found it’s way into my writing.
Basically deep focus gives space for us to be human. The difference between human beings and any other animal is the thought and effort human beings put into everything they do. That is what I was able to do with my music, thanks to the space I gave my brain for thinking without distractions.
I think I have made my point now. Hope it helps some people. Have a good day 🙂