I was sad. But sad in a beautiful way. There are different kinds of sad. This sad was more of a remembering of how beautiful certain things are.
And yes there is a small sinking feeling that I missed out on some of these things growing up. But there is also this beautiful feeling that I used to get when I was a kid. That feeling that inspired me even though I couldn’t act on the inspiration. And here’s the second chance. I am inspired again and this time I can do something about it. And I know the value of this freedom. More than anyone else will ever know or ever understand.
There are so many ways to look at this. I could be angry at people because may be it’s too late. Or I could decide to not be the adult that my parents were and just follow these instincts like a child. May be it’s not, may be it never will be about what I will gain from this. May be nothing beautiful in life is ever about gaining something.
Some days are going to be like this
It’ll feel as if everything’s out of your reach
I feel as if I have lost all that I worked for
All that I held dear
But does it ever really go away
I have sunk a bit out of it’s reach
Down here it’s gloomy, nothing is clear
I’m used to staying sad this way
Habits are more comfortable sometimes
Familiar even if toxic
Sometimes we have to fight with ourselves
To not be sad
Seems so ironic
But it’s also beautiful, depends on how we see it
Sadness often paints a beautiful picture
And like every drowning man needs to know
All we need to do is not fight, but float
Float with the darkness, float with the pain,
Till we are back on the surface
And we can see the sunlight once again.
You and I we both know that things have changed
The people we were in the past, we are not the same
The faces and names are cues to memories we hold dear
But the reality is, those people are no longer here
Life shaped us in different ways when we moved apart
There are no regrets now just a suspended emotion
An acknowledgement , that our paths once crossed
The rush of dopamine is what many of us live for. I’ll admit, it happens to me, when I post something on social media. I wait to hear what people think of it. But if I am able to surpass the urge. Look beyond instant gratification and keep working. A bigger gratification would come. My way. I know that. That is why it is so important to overcome the temptation.
We have to say no. Have to say no several times. To parties, to people that only waste your time, to “opportunities” that’ll only keep you stuck doing things you don’t enjoy. And it seems as if you are missing out on something great because who would possibly say no right? But it’s almost as if the universe tempts you to fail. The moment you get resolved to do something it’ll present you with temptations. But if your resolve is strong you will say no. Otherwise you are fickle. And the fickle minded keep bouncing around reacting to people around them and blaming circumstances.
I’m starting to feel disconnected from every body from my past. Even talking to my sister has started to feel like talking to a stranger. I wonder sometimes why i talk to my parents. I hardly know them and feel zero attachment to them. And when I think about this I wonder who I feel any attachment to. When I was a kid, there used to be some friend or some guy I liked that I would feel attached to. I would take comfort in having them around. But I think that was a different me, I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t think I have any single person to whom I am attached to in a way that I would feel warmth or want to stay in touch. Everything is so transient. Tomorrow none of these people are going to be around and I will remember them just like I remember my sister or parents like people I know from a movie I watched long back. And this is not sad to me, this is just strange, very strange.
Not that I had gone anywhere. But I’m back from feeling like I need a guy in life to replace some void created by another. I’m back from suddenly becoming a person who was seeking love and validation outside. And I’m now no longer a person who attaches her identity to being a victim of bad parenting and sexual assault. I am now a proud person.
I love how I changed my life, took it on a path that others can only dream of and after all the uncertainty I am now stable on this path. I’m proud of being a person who is not stuck to social norms and has carved her own path through all sorts of obstacles. I can see myself achieving my dreams very soon. All of them. One by one. So no more going after people who only cheated me or used me or treated me like I meant nothing more than someone to fulfill their needs. I suddenly don’t even care enough to be hurt by them. I just have better, more important things to do. And only those who value this about me may stay. Others are free to leave as they can cause me no good.
I always believe that we meet people because there is some message that they must pass on to us or we must pass on to them. And when we get an important message from someone we tend to feel attached to them. Nevertheless, they must leave when their job is done. And it hurts to have to move on from that. And we may ask why…why do we have to go through this pain of separation again. And I ask, if the separation had not been so hurtful would you remember for life what they taught you. It will hurt for as long as it must to change your life. And once your life is on this new path they won’t seem that special, that important because their job is truly done.
So we only have to surrender to the pain. Move on and open ourselves to new experiences. Every time we break down and rebuild ourselves we have become a better version. Pain is only a reminder that there are some things about ourselves we need to work on in order to grow. To feel proud of ourselves without needing the validation of another. And may be in the here and now things seem uncertain and hurtful but if I were to compare my life to how it was an year ago I have to acknowledge that life is much much better and more colourful and I have so much to be thankful for.
It still hurts as I type that life is better because inside me something is screaming no it’s not. And I respect that feeling. Life is not great, it’s painful and I surrender to that pain and let it be that way.
Sometimes you just can’t make sense of why some things happen in your life. Why meet someone who touches your heart only to be tossed aside like you mean nothing to them. Why should we go through more pain when there is already an endless supply of it and all you are looking for is some respite from it.
I usually know. I understand why something happens and how I must make sense of it. But today I am blank. I don’t understand why I must keep going through hurt from family, from friends and now even from people I just met. How careful can one be.
I refuse to meet anyone now. I refuse to try to do anything at all. I want peace. That is all i demand. Peace of mind. All I ask is to get some space away from all the people shouting their expectations at me. I want to stop listening to anyone and I want to stop caring about how my actions hurt anyone. Clearly, others don’t care how their actions hurt me.
I am today questioning again why I must live. Not because my life is devoid of passion but because I am devoid of any will to continue this struggle.
I want that one solution that will help me to bring peace in my existence. So I can quietly focus all my energies on music, without being distracted by pointless pain. Please give me no more drama. Please instead give me strength and mental peace to look after myself alone.