Diary entry – 22nd May 2016

You probably don’t yet hate me,

You still waiting for me there,

‘coz you think I am the same girl,

The same push over who keeps coming back,

Who’s scared to leave, ‘coz she doesn’t want to be bad.

 

But I’m gone this time for good,

‘coz I’m tired now,

I tried to make things work,

But you just never thought it was enough,

So I’m gonna do the bad thing this time,

I am gonna just leave,

Let you deal with life alone.

 

I know you gave me good things,

And you lost a lot for me,

But I also know you were attached to losing,

You will never get what I mean,

Always think I am evil,

Be it, it’s good for you,

May be this way you will never miss me,

It’s never too late to learn life’s lessons,

May be this will make you stronger,

Start seeing things like a different person.

 

But I know I will always be the bad one,

Because I tried but I couldn’t be good to you,

It was too much for me to do,

I gotta live my own life too,

But somehow it could never happen with you.

 

I feel like a bad bad person leaving you,

‘coz you did what you could, it was all you understood,

But I am not in the power to save you now,

I am saving myself instead,

Hoping that you will hate me,

And move on,

But will also learn to live better,

Hoping that you will finally take what is yours,

‘coz no one else can help you really,

The game is all yours.

 

 

 

Diary entry – 14th may 2016 – Part 2

The best thing about keeping a diary is the honesty.

You have to pretend all the time in front of the world. Act appropriate, filter your words so that people won’t judge you, filter your words so that the truth doesn’t hurt people, act as if being emotional is creepy. Being sad is dull and boring. You have to act all cheerful and interesting and talk only if you have good things to say about a situation. Otherwise you are being negative. Talk about yourself and you are being selfish. Listen to others all the time and you are being submissive.

So easy to forget your true self, your true thoughts in the midst of all this. But keeping a diary let’s you stay in touch with your true self. No more hidden emotions that even you are no longer aware of. Whatever you pretend to be in front of the world, you are still honest with yourself. And I think that is the single most important quality that every person should have. Honesty with themselves. Acceptance of all your own flaws, your own embarrassing emotions, desires, and needs. Acceptance of  what is good about you and also what is bad about you. As you see it. Not as somebody else sees it.

Acceptance helps you see the reality of the situation and work accordingly. I have seen way too many people lying to themselves and doing things that confuse them in the long run. Because they don’t understand why they are hurting, what they are missing. They compromise with themselves, switch off that thing inside that reminds them of what they really want and pretend that they are happy with the way things are.

Yet that thing inside never stays silent. You can try your best. You can ignore and try to enjoy every day of your life. But that thing inside will call you again. If you listen to it, you will try to do the right thing. If you don’t listen and suppress it, you will not only not do the right thing, but the regret you feel for it, will always be there inside even though you have forgotten or refuse to remember why.

Diary entry – 14th May 2016 – Part 1

Yet another photo of a happy couple. I’m happy for them. People lash back saying they are not really happy. It’s a Facebook photo. It’s not reality. But no, they are happy and I am happy for them. It’s not going to be easy for them from here but at least they are not alone in it anymore. And it is a dream-come-true for them. I know – because it is a dream-yet-to-come-true for me!

I tell myself that I don’t care. But a part of me is dying to find that one person who will bring back those feelings of crazy love, respect, lust, attachment in me. That one person with whom I will want to be at my best and can still feel secure at my worst. I’m still young. I can still hope for a few years. After that it would be too late. Then I must give up and find peace in whatever life has offered. But till then I will hold on to that hope.

I don’t want to compromise. I want to feel those emotions again. I want to mean it when I tell some guy how much I love him. And I want to fiercely be there for him and do everything in my part to make him happy. I want to fight with him and find a compromise for both. I want to do it the hard way. But most important of all, I want to mean it. I want to mean every word I say to him, and every gesture of love I make for him.

I hope. I really hope. That this dream will come true for me some day.

 

Diary entry – 13th May 2016

Friday nights are supposed to be fun nights, when we go for a drink with good friends and chill and generally have a good time. So when it didn’t happen for me today, it really hit me. Like how unfair can life be. After everything I have to go through can’t I have that weekend party. But no friends anymore. New friends are simple people, who like to spend Friday nights quietly at home with a novel or movie.

So I was really upset and went to a nearby bookstore because sometimes buying books helps when I am angry with life. All the money that I used to spend on partying, I ended up spending on books instead. And it felt good. I was already making plans of curling peacefully in bed with a book. And now I suddenly feel more liberated. Dependence on friends or fake friends for Friday night parties is gone too now. I am more free now than before.

One step at a time.

Diary entry 12th May 2016

It’s actually getting better. I was really afraid at first about how I will deal with cutting off completely from old friends. But yesterday and today I was not even thinking about it. I really don’t need anyone to call me or message me. I am not even missing my ex or old crushes. I am not stalking anybody’s Facebook profile.

I am cool with my routine, work, music, writing and Facebook-ing. That last one. Recently posted a song recording to a Facebook music group and I have got addicted to checking again and again if I have got any likes or comments. Very similar to what happens here in the blogging world. It’s funny. We all want that dopamine rush. Especially if we get one taste of it. Then we want it again and again. It’s very difficult to wean yourself off from that. Not impossible though.

I have done it before. Every time I have to do it, it doesn’t get any easier. But now there is the knowledge that I will manage to do it because I have managed to get through it before.  So now I already expect the longing, the cravings, the pain, the anger and the negotiating with yourself to go back for just one more time. I already know this will happen and I know which choice will send me in which direction. I know exactly where the uncertainty lies and what games my mind is going to play with me.

I also know now that there will be no loved ones to help you through it. May be some new people will come and help even if you don’t ask them. They will go away too one day. If you don’t let them go they will stop being good people.

It is more important to keep making new friends in life than to hold on to old ones. This is probably a very counter-intuitive advice because we are all used to hearing wisdom about never letting go of loved ones. But my life has taught me that no one is going to be there for you forever. They will do something unbelievably kind today. They will act like you are the most important. But tomorrow they will vanish or not care. They might change and make you feel like a fool for relying on them for anything.

So instead of wasting your time being attached and missing old friends it is better to meet new people and treat the kind ones with enthusiasm and respect because they are going to be helping you through important things in the near future even if you didn’t expect them to.

Diary entry 10th May 2016

There will be no one at one point. And you will be all alone. But it doesn’t matter anymore. It just becomes one less thing you have to care about now. You are becoming more free. Your mind space is free to do something else that you had been neglecting. Never give those fair weathered friends a second chance. Forget them. Root them out of your life and make space for better things.

Back!

Guys I am back! I had a terrible terrible break up. And I have nowhere else to whine about it but this place. So yo! You will hear about my break up whining here. Hopefully this will help me get over this faster. So please be kind to me like last time. Say some nice things. I really need to hear them. Love you all. You’ve always been there. Happy Blogging! 😄

Crumbling Inside

I exist no longer in me

My spirit has wandered away

Strolling down old memory lanes

That is the only place I find peace

Or enough grief, pain and agony

To feel alive again

There is no me in me

Like I have given up hope

That I can ever stand up for myself

Or care for me

So it has gone away uncared for

Leaving behind a lifeless being

Not living

But dying everyday

Like they say cowards do

Long back when I read it for the first time

I never thought it was meant for me

I thought I was all about bravery

I was so wrong

Courage is the ability to hurt others so that you can stand up for the one person

Who has no one but you to rely on

That’s you

Long gone

Nothing much left behind now

Slowly eroded, one crash after another

Not much left now to ignite again

I wish I could at least feel the pain. 

Random Thought

It seems that many of the predators, sexual abusers, psychopaths, even some of the narcissists and sociopaths became the way they are today because they were abused someway in their past (mostly childhood) and they learnt to switch off their conscience.

If somehow we were able to rescue all the children who are abused and give them appropriate love, therapy and help before they themselves turn into empathy less predators may be we can break this cycle and reduce the number of evil people around us.

The present system focuses more on punishing the abusers. It is right, the abusers need to be punished to deter them. But it is more important to help the victims cope in the right way from the horrible effects of trauma. Somehow I see that this is mostly ignored. No one really understands what the trauma is like till they have experienced it.

I don’t know I’ve been thinking about it. Why not reach out to children, in schools or elsewhere and tell them we are there if they need help.
May be we can help some of these children come out of their helpless and abusive situation and stop them from destroying their own inner beauty…

Because I don’t like hating anyone and yet I find that it is safer to hate some people. If only it was safe to love everyone….

26th May 2013: This post was not meant to excuse the behaviour of abusers. Nor was it meant to imply that all abusers were abused in their childhood or that all people who were abused as children turn into predators. I just want that every child gets timely and effective help when he/she is abused, because I generally observed that people don’t understand the importance of this.

This post was inspired by this video I saw yesterday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2-Re_Fl_L4