Random thoughts of a dreamer

Some random thoughts

Thought 1: I don’t know what life will be like when I grow old. May be I’ll be bed ridden, may be I won’t remember anything. May be I won’t grow old. May be I won’t live that long. But today I can say one thing confidently. I would’ve lived well. Every day since first stepped out of my home, has been a journey towards self discovery and every day since I quit my job has been a life of living my passion. May be I haven’t reached where I wish to be yet. But that doesn’t matter. The fact that I am on the journey now, that itself gives me peace. So even if I die today, I won’t have any regrets of not having done something. I am doing everything I can.

Thought 2: When someone tells you that they are taking the risk of pursuing their dreams, most people get judgemental. They tell them they are not ready yet, that they should take it slow. They need to learn this and improve that before they can even start.

That person has decided to take the risk, why make them look back? Help them make it work. Or don’t say anything. Why discourage?

Instead why not do this. Tell that person they are amazing for having taken this decision. If you can, guide them as to what can be done next. Applaud them every time they achieve a small success. This way you will give them the strength to continue. And persistence is all it really takes.

Thought 3: As a performer , when I put myself out there on the stage for the audience to judge, sometimes I lose sight of my goal. Pleasing the audience becomes my sole aim. Then in moments of peace, by meditating or clearing my head, I realise that my goal was to perfect my ability to sing and my understanding of music. My goal is to become a musician and a singer that I can listen to and feel proud of. And my goal is to spend my lifetime on this path. So may be the audience didn’t like me today, but it’s not supposed to happen in a day. May be pleasing the audience is the short term requirement that is important. But if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean there is no other way of achieving my main goal. The focus should be on working on my main goal every day and one of life’s miracles will unfold and I will find a way to make it happen. I know this sounds like a fantasy. But I have experienced this. Doors do open in ways we would never imagine. As long as we spend some time working on our dreams every day or every alternate day, we can be assured that doors will appear to new paths.

Thought 4: Plans can go haywire. What worked for the last 5 days may stop working now. You may lose things unexpectedly. You may have to start from scratch and it may all seem like a waste. But all of this will add up. So keep planning, keep trying new ways, keep restarting and keep retrying old ideas in new ways. You will be happy about it one day.

That’s it for today. I am not going to promise that I’ll write every day. Because I never keep that promise. But I am happy that whenever i write these days, it’s because I am very happy and I want to share my happiness unlike old days. I am glad that this blog is one place where part of my journey from difficult times to happy times is recorded for me as a reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am today! Thank you God, Thank you Universe, thank you bloggers, thank you Music, Thank you to myself for bringing me this far :). Good day and Merry Christmas!!!


Powering your way through life

Got up late today. Thought it was going to be one of those lazy, unproductive depressing days. But guess what, I decided to just push myself to go for a jog. And though I couldn’t cover my usual distance I still had a good workout. Got back home, had a nice shower and awesome breakfast and got two calls for doing gigs. For those of you who don’t know me I am a singer who quit her job recently to get into music full time. I’m hunting for a job again now but pursuing music remains my number one priority and today just turned out to be a lucky day.

I believe in this sort of thing. Good things and bad things happen in a flow depending on our state of mind. If our state of mind is of positivity, happiness and gratefulness, good things just start happening and we start feeling lucky. And when we feel lucky we get lucky. And the vice versa is true too, which is why some days we go from feeling hopeless to finding and getting new reasons to feel hopeless. But I don’t want to focus on that today.

I want to focus on the fact that I have two gigs now. Definitely getting more and more opportunities for getting into music professionally.

So much for starting the day positively. I think working out every day is probably the best thing I have done for myself recently. It is difficult sometimes. To wake up in the morning and find the energy to leave the comfort of your house. But when you do it you find so much more energy. And that one act if pushing ourselves first thing in the morning, kind of sets the mood for the day. You feel more organised and disciplined, not to mention energetic. And obstacles don’t bother you as much because you are able to power your way through.

So moral of the story for today, work out work out work out, preferably outside the comfort of your home.

Difficult people, repeating patterns

I have three objectives for now:
1. Lose weight
2. Improve my singing and music sense
3. Find and learn something that will make me more employable

Three objectives. Simplifies life. So every time I take a step back or question a decision, I ask myself how has it helped me in any of the above three goals. If it hasn’t then it was probably a bad decision. And the same three objectives must help me make my future life decisions.

Because otherwise it’s so easy to be lost on the road when you are walking alone. Everything seems attractive. Everyone’s trying to pull you towards their path, but they are just trying to make their life work, not yours.

There are of course other things that I was wondering about today while I was jogging. Do I give up too easily in a situation when I have to deal with tough people? Is that why these situations keep repeating in my life. Like I am finding that my present music teacher is taking it very slow for the kind of fees she has taken from me. And I am feeling that may be I should stop going and wasting my time there and instead do something else in that time. But isn’t this happening too many times. May be I should express this to her and get her to do what I want instead of just signing out from the situation. It seems like an impossible thing to do because she will definitely not react to this well.

But may be I am facing the same situation with my parents, my previous boss, few friends, my ex and now here. I always give up when I feel I can’t deal with the person. It feels like too much effort, waste of time, and frankly it seems impossible. And so I let go of the situation, thinking may be it was not meant to be. But is there some pattern here.

How do I deal with this? I wish I knew if there is a magic formula to deal with difficult people!

Morning madness

I have a problem with starting the day right. I spend most of the first half sunk in my bed with empty cups of tea and breakfast lying around. Even if I do get up for an errand I sink back right in. I’ve tried a hundred different things – morning exercise, early morning music practice routine, stretches, doing my bed, talking on phone with good friends, yoga, meditation and what not. But nothing seems to be a permanent solution that sustains for more than a few days. And before I know, I get into the other feeling of uselessness and depression for not having accomplished my music, job search and weight loss plans.

Up until yesterday, when I decided to restart all my blogs. I am thinking I may have come up with a solution. Reading and writing seem to be activities that I can accomplish even while I am lying around in my bed. So my physical passivity won’t come in the way. And it will definitely take the edge off the feeling of uselessness that I end up with.

I can end the first half with some exercise and start music practice in the afternoon after I am out of my morning lethargy problem.

May be this will work. May be this won’t. The answer to this question can only come in the next few days when I do or don’t post new stuff here. And if there is no more new stuff, then it means it’s not working and you can refer to my previous blog “The never ending loop” 😛

P.S. I have also started working on a music blog to share whatever I learn through my experiments in music. All you music lovers and well wishers, please follow if you like it:

Getting out of the rut

I think I am doing these days all the things that I should have done as a child but couldn’t do because of restrictions. And my greatest fear always is whether I can afford them right now as an adult.

It helps to talk to myself as a more mature version of myself. I imagine that Asmira from five years later is standing right there, watching me and telling me that it’s ok, there is a much better life on the other side and I am going to be much more peaceful and full of wisdom. I just have to hang in there and keep giving it my best shot.

And sometimes when I am stuck in a rut I imagine that I am watching myself and giving advice as I would give to my best friend if she was in my situation. One always thinks with a clearer mind while giving advice to others and this helps me to do exactly that. And then I force myself to follow my own advice as I would’ve forced my friend. Like I tell myself, “Girl, you need to first get up and take a walk” or “Girl, you need to first make that phone call before you worry about anything else!”.

Sitting at home and not having to go every day to work feels very unnerving because there is nothing to discipline you. You could just sit there, doing nothing and watching movies without paying heed to that nagging sensation that precious time is getting wasted. And the possibility of falling into that chasm and never recovering is very scary. Also the fear that all your efforts are ill-advised and you are wasting time without realising it. There is no sense of security. I don’t have any idea how things are going to work out. No concrete plan. Some vague plan is there about learning digital marketing or data analytics while continuing to work on music. But no concrete schedule or result that would give assurance that things will work out.

I have taken a leap. A premature leap perhaps. But it’s already done. As they say, there is no right or wrong decision. You take a decision and you make it work. Instead of wondering whether I made a mistake or whether things will work out. I have to decide to make it work somehow by doing whatever it takes. And most importantly never stop however hopeless it may seem to be.

The never ending loop

Feeling good for nothing.
Mood swings.
Making each day work.
Sticking to the plan.
Not sticking to the plan.
Feeling everything tumbling down.
Getting a grip and making a new plan.
Sticking to new plan.
False hopes.
Stumbling over an unseen problem.
Falling sick.
Stop Following plan.
Lose your grip.
Realise how much time you have spent and how much you have really achieved.
Getting up and trying again any way because you have no choice.
Calling it brave.
Telling yourself that you finally have it figured out.
Depression strikes yet again.
Chuck everything try to reset things.
Realise that it’s too late.
Go back to square one.
Make a plan.
And the cycle continues.

I am really stuck in this loop. But if there is anything that MBA has taught me, it is that at first nailing the project seemed like an impossible task to everyone. But those who stuck on and kept working on it without giving up somehow did nail it. And I was always one of those who got intimidated, who felt this was impossible to do. The solution always seems simple when someone gives it to you.

But what I learnt was that not giving up and consistently trying something was the way to go. A solution has to come out.

And so I shall go back to my never ending loop with this one ray of hope that may be not giving up will somehow magically give a solution. May be.

Negativity talking..

So here’s an update for all those who were following my blog from the start. In case you still read my posts, I got through with my goal of completing my MBA and finding a job away from home. I was finally financially independent as I had always wanted to be. But I couldn’t really get myself to work as a manager. My heart was always on pursuing the things I am really passionate about – music, psychology, working against child abuse. If any of my old followers are still reading, you know how much these things meant to me.

I finally got the opportunity to start working on my music passion. And I guess I got too involved with it. Too carried away. I don’t know. I just couldn’t see myself struggling to work in corporate anymore. I just didn’t belong in the position that I was holding in my previous company. Didn’t feel I could do justice to my job. On the other hand I was doing fairly well as a singer. Not financially. I was not earning anything, but I was having progress, I knew that this was one place where I could contribute. I truly had some potential here even though I was not qualified.

So eventually I quit my job. Thought that somehow I would find a way of earning through music itself, because I wanted to be genuine. I didn’t want to be that fake MBA person that was just wasting the time of the company because they needed money to pay off their loans. So I tried to take the honest path. I told myself, I am being honest so a path will open up. Because that’s what I believed. That if we are true to ourselves and if we have the courage then somehow we will find a way to make it work.

But as on today, I feel stuck. I don’t think music can start earning so soon. I need to give it more time.

Just remembering how I used to write motivating posts on how every small step matters and how one must never give up on their dreams. Keep trying, keep working, one step at a time. It made sense then because saying that gave me hope. But I don’t know what I would say to that young girl who wrote all that. Is the future really bright? Is their truly an escape?

Or do we really come with a destiny? May be not all are destined to find happiness and the better thing to do is to just resign to fate? May be I should never have dreamt of a better life, may be I should’ve stuck to the job where I could at least contributed something. May be I should’ve stayed with my parents and accepted that freedom and pursuit of happiness was not in my destiny? But I did, I made the choice of getting into a field not meant for me, just so that I could escape from home. And I guess I was wrong, it was not an escape. May be once we started going downhill, once one thing goes wrong and we stumble, may be we just keep tumbling and falling and getting weak and eventually have the big fall?

I don’t know. This is not a hopeful or positive or motivating blog post. This is just a honest, very honest thought flow that is probably good for nothing, just like the writer of this post..

Random musings

Very often we try to fit ourselves into moulds to get accepted in a situation but then we are competing against 100 others who are doing the same thing and are better at it than us. Instead why not be ourselves. Do what we are good at and what we like doing. Then automatically our best efforts will flow and we will naturally be the best with lesser competition. Not to forget that we would be happier in life. Yet we often forget this and keep trying to compete. 

We were sent on earth as unique personalities. If each of us will work on our uniqueness, together we could make a rich, more interesting society. Yet we want to compete and be like someone else. In the process society loses what could have been our unique contribution. 

I see people doing this to themselves and their children and it’s really sad. I wish people would learn to honor their gifts and those of others and not lose them in the dry rat race. 

I know this thought has been expressed many times now. But today somehow I’m thinking more deeply about this 😛

Christmas Eve

His lips finally touched mine and we kissed. It was like a small explosion between us. The whole world went still. The rhythm of the waves continued at a distance but it didn’t matter. We were in our own universe. It was not planned, there was no reason. Suddenly it just felt like something that was always meant to happen. On the beach, holding hands and resting in his arms. We were not thinking. It seemed like this was where the pieces of the puzzle fit together.
    Three hours ago the campus was abuzz with plans for Christmas eve. “He” had gone out for a good friend’s birthday treat. I had chatted with him on Whatsapp after a really long time and I hoped that things would get better. He had promised to meet me when he got back but it was getting really late and he was probably drunk. I was thinking of going off to bed but a part of me still hoped to hear from him. Meanwhile my good friend George called and asked me if I was up for a walk. That sounded like a good way of killing time while I waited. So I agreed. Still hopeful of meeting “him” I dabbed some kajal on my eyes hurriedly before going downstairs and joining the few people on campus who had not gone anywhere to celebrate Christmas eve. I could not take my eyes off the gate. I kept hoping to see him enter.
    George knew. He always knew. “Are you going to meet him tonight?” I was caught off guard but I pretended to be unaffected. “Yeah, we were planning to meet and talk.”
“Not going to happen.” He said and smirked. “That guy is having the time of his life getting drunk while you are wasting your time in depression. He’s going to be back really late. Harshita, pay attention to your life, stop going after people who have moved on. It will be very bad for you. Friendships break, it happens. You have to accept it.”
Irritated with his pessimism I said, “We’ll see. Let me meet him.” Refusing to speak further on the topic.
“Good in a way. Atleast you’ll stop whining” he commented and smirked again.
I wanted him to go away and leave me alone here. Somewhere deep down I knew if “he” saw me with George, it wouldn’t work out well for the friendship I was trying to save. It was past twelve now. Our hostel entry deadline had been extended. I was getting impatient. People started trickling in from the gate in groups. I was looking forward to seeing “him” and at the same time worried that George wasn’t leaving. George and I were standing with a group of friends. They were mostly teasing me with George and it was irritating me. I was looking for a way to excuse myself when “he” came in through a rickshaw. He paid the driver some extra money for Christmas and climbed out. He was dressed in a black jacket and had a wild look in his eyes that made him more attractive than usual. He saw me and then he saw George next to me and the look in his eyes changed. He laughed. I can’t forget the mad look in his eyes. Others just thought that he was really drunk but I could see his anger and I felt helpless. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him. He kept saying that he wanted to take a ride on his bike but people stopped him and forced him to go back to his hostel room. I just wished that people would all go away and leave me alone with him for some time. I badly wanted to speak to him. I wanted that look of hurt and anger to go away. But he was gone.
    Dejected, I said that I would go back to my room. George saw that I was upset. He didn’t taunt this time. “You don’t look ok. Don’t worry, you can talk to him tomorrow! What’s the hurry? Come out with me, I want to go for a smoke. I doubt you will be able to sleep tonight any way.” He didn’t get it. That look in “his” eyes. I didn’t feel hopeful about a meeting the next day. It seemed too final.
    We walked out of the gate to get a cigarette. I couldn’t help leaving a last message for “him”, saying I was waiting for him to be back and wished I got a chance to speak. He replied.
“I don’t care about anyone. I just want to go a for a ride on my bike. Anyone who wants to come along can come.”
“I want to come.”
“I’m coming down then. See you in 5 minutes.”
“He’s coming down” I told George. “Let’s walk back”
“Wait!!! Let me at least finish my cigarette. How rude. He’s not coming down. They won’t let him. He’s too drunk.”
“But he said he’s going for a bike ride”
“That’s too dangerous. He’ll meet with an accident”
“Then he shouldn’t go alone. Someone should be there with him”
“So you will go? Who do you think you are?”
I got irritated. “Let’s go near the gate. I want to try and meet him.”
Just when I was nearing the gate, “he” came out on his bike. He didn’t see us. My heart sank. He was going away. I felt a rush of anger towards George for delaying me. But to my surprise, George shouted out “his” name and “he” stopped a little distance away from the gate. I ran towards him and held his arms tight. He still looked wild and lost. He wouldn’t look at me.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Don’t know. Haven’t decided.” He replied.
“Are you ok?” I tried again.
“Yes I’m perfectly fine. I just want to go on a bike ride.”
“But you are drunk”
“No I’m not so drunk. I can manage.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No.” he replied again.
“ I’m hungry. I didn’t have dinner. I was waiting for you.” I lied.
He finally looked at me and his eyes were pained and confused. I held his arm tighter. “Let’s go!”
He gave in and let me come with him. He didn’t realize it but his driving was wild just like him. I held on tightly to him as the cold winter air rushed on my face and made me shiver. He just drove on. After a while he asked me where I wanted to go. “To the beach” I said. That was the only place that I could think of. And we both liked going there so it made sense.
He was still quiet as we got down near the beach and started walking. “What happened? Are you angry with me?” He just shook his head to indicate no. “But you don’t seem ok.” He shook his head again. “You would rather not talk about it?” “Yes” he said.
So I kept quiet. Or I rambled about something else. I don’t remember. But we were on the beach. Holding hands.Walking really close to each other. The cold air seemed to have cooled down his anger.
“I missed you.” I said.
“I missed you too.” He replied.
Hearing him say that made my eyes well up with tears. I tried to keep the tears down. “Then why did you stop talking to me.”
“I just thought that it was best for me to step away and not come between you and George.” He said.
“There is nothing between me and George!” I replied angrily.
“It seemed like that to me”
“He’s just a good friend” I said vehemently. “There are some things about me that only he understands because he has gone through the same things. I just get helpless sometimes I really need someone to talk to. That does not mean…”
I couldn’t hold back after that. It was like a flood of tears had suddenly been released. I cried bitterly. Feeling helpless that my actions had led someone so important to just step away. He got really worried..
“ I didn’t realize I hurt you so much.” He said and hugged me tightly. We sat down right there. He let me cry softly in his arms and held me tight. We sat like that for an eternity. Hands tightly clasped together sitting really close to each other our cheeks touching. He was trying to comfort me. I don’t know how it happened then. He didn’t kiss my lips immediately. His lips touched my cheeks and I pressed my cheeks against his lips. And then he started kissing my face. My cheeks, my chin, really close to my lips and then finally my lips. And then we kissed like mad lovers. He kissed my neck, my face, my breasts, my ears. It was a pure moment. Not lust, just pure affection and care and love. Something I had never experienced before that and I never experienced since. I would’ve never imagined doing all of it, so late at night on a beach. But those worries seemed insignificant compared to the magnitude of the moment. All that mattered right then was that he should go on and we should stay like that forever because…that was how we were meant to be.
But reality intervened and I saw a bunch of guys laughing at us. I was jerked back to reality and stopped “him”. He looked like I had awakened him from a dream. Still dazed we walked back holding hands. I wondered as we walked what this meant and if this night would ever happen again.
They say souls plan meetings before we start living our lives in this world to pass on a message or a lesson that will help our purpose in life. They say karmic soulmates are not meant to be together but they have some past connection that draws them together and then throws them apart with the same intensity. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. And then one day he will leave.
I sometimes did not know what to talk with him. I could connect with him only through silence but it seemed like in this world there was nothing to say to him. We just knew each other too well on a soul level. The intense connection on one level and the lack of it on another level frustrated me. Since then in emotional moments I have asked myself several times what this meant.
I never got my answer. All I know is that it was one of those nights when it was not me but the universe that had planned and made sure that I met this person and it has been so far the most beautiful night of my life.