Powering your way through life

Got up late today. Thought it was going to be one of those lazy, unproductive depressing days. But guess what, I decided to just push myself to go for a jog. And though I couldn’t cover my usual distance I still had a good workout. Got back home, had a nice shower and awesome breakfast and got two calls for doing gigs. For those of you who don’t know me I am a singer who quit her job recently to get into music full time. I’m hunting for a job again now but pursuing music remains my number one priority and today just turned out to be a lucky day.

I believe in this sort of thing. Good things and bad things happen in a flow depending on our state of mind. If our state of mind is of positivity, happiness and gratefulness, good things just start happening and we start feeling lucky. And when we feel lucky we get lucky. And the vice versa is true too, which is why some days we go from feeling hopeless to finding and getting new reasons to feel hopeless. But I don’t want to focus on that today.

I want to focus on the fact that I have two gigs now. Definitely getting more and more opportunities for getting into music professionally.

So much for starting the day positively. I think working out every day is probably the best thing I have done for myself recently. It is difficult sometimes. To wake up in the morning and find the energy to leave the comfort of your house. But when you do it you find so much more energy. And that one act if pushing ourselves first thing in the morning, kind of sets the mood for the day. You feel more organised and disciplined, not to mention energetic. And obstacles don’t bother you as much because you are able to power your way through.

So moral of the story for today, work out work out work out, preferably outside the comfort of your home.

Advertisements

Difficult people, repeating patterns

I have three objectives for now:
1. Lose weight
2. Improve my singing and music sense
3. Find and learn something that will make me more employable

Three objectives. Simplifies life. So every time I take a step back or question a decision, I ask myself how has it helped me in any of the above three goals. If it hasn’t then it was probably a bad decision. And the same three objectives must help me make my future life decisions.

Because otherwise it’s so easy to be lost on the road when you are walking alone. Everything seems attractive. Everyone’s trying to pull you towards their path, but they are just trying to make their life work, not yours.

There are of course other things that I was wondering about today while I was jogging. Do I give up too easily in a situation when I have to deal with tough people? Is that why these situations keep repeating in my life. Like I am finding that my present music teacher is taking it very slow for the kind of fees she has taken from me. And I am feeling that may be I should stop going and wasting my time there and instead do something else in that time. But isn’t this happening too many times. May be I should express this to her and get her to do what I want instead of just signing out from the situation. It seems like an impossible thing to do because she will definitely not react to this well.

But may be I am facing the same situation with my parents, my previous boss, few friends, my ex and now here. I always give up when I feel I can’t deal with the person. It feels like too much effort, waste of time, and frankly it seems impossible. And so I let go of the situation, thinking may be it was not meant to be. But is there some pattern here.

How do I deal with this? I wish I knew if there is a magic formula to deal with difficult people!

Morning madness

I have a problem with starting the day right. I spend most of the first half sunk in my bed with empty cups of tea and breakfast lying around. Even if I do get up for an errand I sink back right in. I’ve tried a hundred different things – morning exercise, early morning music practice routine, stretches, doing my bed, talking on phone with good friends, yoga, meditation and what not. But nothing seems to be a permanent solution that sustains for more than a few days. And before I know, I get into the other feeling of uselessness and depression for not having accomplished my music, job search and weight loss plans.

Up until yesterday, when I decided to restart all my blogs. I am thinking I may have come up with a solution. Reading and writing seem to be activities that I can accomplish even while I am lying around in my bed. So my physical passivity won’t come in the way. And it will definitely take the edge off the feeling of uselessness that I end up with.

I can end the first half with some exercise and start music practice in the afternoon after I am out of my morning lethargy problem.

May be this will work. May be this won’t. The answer to this question can only come in the next few days when I do or don’t post new stuff here. And if there is no more new stuff, then it means it’s not working and you can refer to my previous blog “The never ending loop” 😛

P.S. I have also started working on a music blog to share whatever I learn through my experiments in music. All you music lovers and well wishers, please follow if you like it:
https://thepathofmusicblog.wordpress.com

Getting out of the rut

I think I am doing these days all the things that I should have done as a child but couldn’t do because of restrictions. And my greatest fear always is whether I can afford them right now as an adult.

It helps to talk to myself as a more mature version of myself. I imagine that Asmira from five years later is standing right there, watching me and telling me that it’s ok, there is a much better life on the other side and I am going to be much more peaceful and full of wisdom. I just have to hang in there and keep giving it my best shot.

And sometimes when I am stuck in a rut I imagine that I am watching myself and giving advice as I would give to my best friend if she was in my situation. One always thinks with a clearer mind while giving advice to others and this helps me to do exactly that. And then I force myself to follow my own advice as I would’ve forced my friend. Like I tell myself, “Girl, you need to first get up and take a walk” or “Girl, you need to first make that phone call before you worry about anything else!”.

Sitting at home and not having to go every day to work feels very unnerving because there is nothing to discipline you. You could just sit there, doing nothing and watching movies without paying heed to that nagging sensation that precious time is getting wasted. And the possibility of falling into that chasm and never recovering is very scary. Also the fear that all your efforts are ill-advised and you are wasting time without realising it. There is no sense of security. I don’t have any idea how things are going to work out. No concrete plan. Some vague plan is there about learning digital marketing or data analytics while continuing to work on music. But no concrete schedule or result that would give assurance that things will work out.

I have taken a leap. A premature leap perhaps. But it’s already done. As they say, there is no right or wrong decision. You take a decision and you make it work. Instead of wondering whether I made a mistake or whether things will work out. I have to decide to make it work somehow by doing whatever it takes. And most importantly never stop however hopeless it may seem to be.

The never ending loop

Feeling good for nothing.
Depression.
Mood swings.
Making each day work.
Sticking to the plan.
Not sticking to the plan.
Feeling everything tumbling down.
Getting a grip and making a new plan.
Sticking to new plan.
False hopes.
Stumbling over an unseen problem.
Falling sick.
Stop Following plan.
Lose your grip.
Realise how much time you have spent and how much you have really achieved.
Getting up and trying again any way because you have no choice.
Calling it brave.
Telling yourself that you finally have it figured out.
Depression strikes yet again.
Chuck everything try to reset things.
Realise that it’s too late.
Go back to square one.
Make a plan.
And the cycle continues.

I am really stuck in this loop. But if there is anything that MBA has taught me, it is that at first nailing the project seemed like an impossible task to everyone. But those who stuck on and kept working on it without giving up somehow did nail it. And I was always one of those who got intimidated, who felt this was impossible to do. The solution always seems simple when someone gives it to you.

But what I learnt was that not giving up and consistently trying something was the way to go. A solution has to come out.

And so I shall go back to my never ending loop with this one ray of hope that may be not giving up will somehow magically give a solution. May be.

Negativity talking..

So here’s an update for all those who were following my blog from the start. In case you still read my posts, I got through with my goal of completing my MBA and finding a job away from home. I was finally financially independent as I had always wanted to be. But I couldn’t really get myself to work as a manager. My heart was always on pursuing the things I am really passionate about – music, psychology, working against child abuse. If any of my old followers are still reading, you know how much these things meant to me.

I finally got the opportunity to start working on my music passion. And I guess I got too involved with it. Too carried away. I don’t know. I just couldn’t see myself struggling to work in corporate anymore. I just didn’t belong in the position that I was holding in my previous company. Didn’t feel I could do justice to my job. On the other hand I was doing fairly well as a singer. Not financially. I was not earning anything, but I was having progress, I knew that this was one place where I could contribute. I truly had some potential here even though I was not qualified.

So eventually I quit my job. Thought that somehow I would find a way of earning through music itself, because I wanted to be genuine. I didn’t want to be that fake MBA person that was just wasting the time of the company because they needed money to pay off their loans. So I tried to take the honest path. I told myself, I am being honest so a path will open up. Because that’s what I believed. That if we are true to ourselves and if we have the courage then somehow we will find a way to make it work.

But as on today, I feel stuck. I don’t think music can start earning so soon. I need to give it more time.

Just remembering how I used to write motivating posts on how every small step matters and how one must never give up on their dreams. Keep trying, keep working, one step at a time. It made sense then because saying that gave me hope. But I don’t know what I would say to that young girl who wrote all that. Is the future really bright? Is their truly an escape?

Or do we really come with a destiny? May be not all are destined to find happiness and the better thing to do is to just resign to fate? May be I should never have dreamt of a better life, may be I should’ve stuck to the job where I could at least contributed something. May be I should’ve stayed with my parents and accepted that freedom and pursuit of happiness was not in my destiny? But I did, I made the choice of getting into a field not meant for me, just so that I could escape from home. And I guess I was wrong, it was not an escape. May be once we started going downhill, once one thing goes wrong and we stumble, may be we just keep tumbling and falling and getting weak and eventually have the big fall?

I don’t know. This is not a hopeful or positive or motivating blog post. This is just a honest, very honest thought flow that is probably good for nothing, just like the writer of this post..

Random musings

Very often we try to fit ourselves into moulds to get accepted in a situation but then we are competing against 100 others who are doing the same thing and are better at it than us. Instead why not be ourselves. Do what we are good at and what we like doing. Then automatically our best efforts will flow and we will naturally be the best with lesser competition. Not to forget that we would be happier in life. Yet we often forget this and keep trying to compete. 

We were sent on earth as unique personalities. If each of us will work on our uniqueness, together we could make a rich, more interesting society. Yet we want to compete and be like someone else. In the process society loses what could have been our unique contribution. 

I see people doing this to themselves and their children and it’s really sad. I wish people would learn to honor their gifts and those of others and not lose them in the dry rat race. 

I know this thought has been expressed many times now. But today somehow I’m thinking more deeply about this 😛

Christmas Eve

His lips finally touched mine and we kissed. It was like a small explosion between us. The whole world went still. The rhythm of the waves continued at a distance but it didn’t matter. We were in our own universe. It was not planned, there was no reason. Suddenly it just felt like something that was always meant to happen. On the beach, holding hands and resting in his arms. We were not thinking. It seemed like this was where the pieces of the puzzle fit together.
    Three hours ago the campus was abuzz with plans for Christmas eve. “He” had gone out for a good friend’s birthday treat. I had chatted with him on Whatsapp after a really long time and I hoped that things would get better. He had promised to meet me when he got back but it was getting really late and he was probably drunk. I was thinking of going off to bed but a part of me still hoped to hear from him. Meanwhile my good friend George called and asked me if I was up for a walk. That sounded like a good way of killing time while I waited. So I agreed. Still hopeful of meeting “him” I dabbed some kajal on my eyes hurriedly before going downstairs and joining the few people on campus who had not gone anywhere to celebrate Christmas eve. I could not take my eyes off the gate. I kept hoping to see him enter.
    George knew. He always knew. “Are you going to meet him tonight?” I was caught off guard but I pretended to be unaffected. “Yeah, we were planning to meet and talk.”
“Not going to happen.” He said and smirked. “That guy is having the time of his life getting drunk while you are wasting your time in depression. He’s going to be back really late. Harshita, pay attention to your life, stop going after people who have moved on. It will be very bad for you. Friendships break, it happens. You have to accept it.”
Irritated with his pessimism I said, “We’ll see. Let me meet him.” Refusing to speak further on the topic.
“Good in a way. Atleast you’ll stop whining” he commented and smirked again.
I wanted him to go away and leave me alone here. Somewhere deep down I knew if “he” saw me with George, it wouldn’t work out well for the friendship I was trying to save. It was past twelve now. Our hostel entry deadline had been extended. I was getting impatient. People started trickling in from the gate in groups. I was looking forward to seeing “him” and at the same time worried that George wasn’t leaving. George and I were standing with a group of friends. They were mostly teasing me with George and it was irritating me. I was looking for a way to excuse myself when “he” came in through a rickshaw. He paid the driver some extra money for Christmas and climbed out. He was dressed in a black jacket and had a wild look in his eyes that made him more attractive than usual. He saw me and then he saw George next to me and the look in his eyes changed. He laughed. I can’t forget the mad look in his eyes. Others just thought that he was really drunk but I could see his anger and I felt helpless. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him. He kept saying that he wanted to take a ride on his bike but people stopped him and forced him to go back to his hostel room. I just wished that people would all go away and leave me alone with him for some time. I badly wanted to speak to him. I wanted that look of hurt and anger to go away. But he was gone.
    Dejected, I said that I would go back to my room. George saw that I was upset. He didn’t taunt this time. “You don’t look ok. Don’t worry, you can talk to him tomorrow! What’s the hurry? Come out with me, I want to go for a smoke. I doubt you will be able to sleep tonight any way.” He didn’t get it. That look in “his” eyes. I didn’t feel hopeful about a meeting the next day. It seemed too final.
    We walked out of the gate to get a cigarette. I couldn’t help leaving a last message for “him”, saying I was waiting for him to be back and wished I got a chance to speak. He replied.
“I don’t care about anyone. I just want to go a for a ride on my bike. Anyone who wants to come along can come.”
“I want to come.”
“I’m coming down then. See you in 5 minutes.”
“He’s coming down” I told George. “Let’s walk back”
“Wait!!! Let me at least finish my cigarette. How rude. He’s not coming down. They won’t let him. He’s too drunk.”
“But he said he’s going for a bike ride”
“That’s too dangerous. He’ll meet with an accident”
“Then he shouldn’t go alone. Someone should be there with him”
“So you will go? Who do you think you are?”
I got irritated. “Let’s go near the gate. I want to try and meet him.”
Just when I was nearing the gate, “he” came out on his bike. He didn’t see us. My heart sank. He was going away. I felt a rush of anger towards George for delaying me. But to my surprise, George shouted out “his” name and “he” stopped a little distance away from the gate. I ran towards him and held his arms tight. He still looked wild and lost. He wouldn’t look at me.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Don’t know. Haven’t decided.” He replied.
“Are you ok?” I tried again.
“Yes I’m perfectly fine. I just want to go on a bike ride.”
“But you are drunk”
“No I’m not so drunk. I can manage.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No.” he replied again.
“ I’m hungry. I didn’t have dinner. I was waiting for you.” I lied.
He finally looked at me and his eyes were pained and confused. I held his arm tighter. “Let’s go!”
He gave in and let me come with him. He didn’t realize it but his driving was wild just like him. I held on tightly to him as the cold winter air rushed on my face and made me shiver. He just drove on. After a while he asked me where I wanted to go. “To the beach” I said. That was the only place that I could think of. And we both liked going there so it made sense.
He was still quiet as we got down near the beach and started walking. “What happened? Are you angry with me?” He just shook his head to indicate no. “But you don’t seem ok.” He shook his head again. “You would rather not talk about it?” “Yes” he said.
So I kept quiet. Or I rambled about something else. I don’t remember. But we were on the beach. Holding hands.Walking really close to each other. The cold air seemed to have cooled down his anger.
“I missed you.” I said.
“I missed you too.” He replied.
Hearing him say that made my eyes well up with tears. I tried to keep the tears down. “Then why did you stop talking to me.”
“I just thought that it was best for me to step away and not come between you and George.” He said.
“There is nothing between me and George!” I replied angrily.
“It seemed like that to me”
“He’s just a good friend” I said vehemently. “There are some things about me that only he understands because he has gone through the same things. I just get helpless sometimes I really need someone to talk to. That does not mean…”
I couldn’t hold back after that. It was like a flood of tears had suddenly been released. I cried bitterly. Feeling helpless that my actions had led someone so important to just step away. He got really worried..
“ I didn’t realize I hurt you so much.” He said and hugged me tightly. We sat down right there. He let me cry softly in his arms and held me tight. We sat like that for an eternity. Hands tightly clasped together sitting really close to each other our cheeks touching. He was trying to comfort me. I don’t know how it happened then. He didn’t kiss my lips immediately. His lips touched my cheeks and I pressed my cheeks against his lips. And then he started kissing my face. My cheeks, my chin, really close to my lips and then finally my lips. And then we kissed like mad lovers. He kissed my neck, my face, my breasts, my ears. It was a pure moment. Not lust, just pure affection and care and love. Something I had never experienced before that and I never experienced since. I would’ve never imagined doing all of it, so late at night on a beach. But those worries seemed insignificant compared to the magnitude of the moment. All that mattered right then was that he should go on and we should stay like that forever because…that was how we were meant to be.
But reality intervened and I saw a bunch of guys laughing at us. I was jerked back to reality and stopped “him”. He looked like I had awakened him from a dream. Still dazed we walked back holding hands. I wondered as we walked what this meant and if this night would ever happen again.
They say souls plan meetings before we start living our lives in this world to pass on a message or a lesson that will help our purpose in life. They say karmic soulmates are not meant to be together but they have some past connection that draws them together and then throws them apart with the same intensity. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. And then one day he will leave.
I sometimes did not know what to talk with him. I could connect with him only through silence but it seemed like in this world there was nothing to say to him. We just knew each other too well on a soul level. The intense connection on one level and the lack of it on another level frustrated me. Since then in emotional moments I have asked myself several times what this meant.
I never got my answer. All I know is that it was one of those nights when it was not me but the universe that had planned and made sure that I met this person and it has been so far the most beautiful night of my life.

Escape 2

As I climbed the stairs, I became acutely aware of the fact that this was a date, not a casual networking meet where the guy flirts and I try to keep it business. I had agreed for this one to be a date and that made me feel conscious. Did I look ok, was my hairdo looking awkward. I was split into one cold and practical person who thought this was just a casual meeting with a musician who she really wanted to connect with and another person who was looking forward to a date and wanted to leave this person with good memories about her.

As he walked towards me to greet me I froze because I had to recondition myself to be warm and friendly and not cold and distant. I was expecting a quick friendly hug but he wrapped his arms around me and held me close for a second and I was pleasantly surprised by the hug and by myself. Usually hugs make me want to push away the person and build a wall that he must not cross. But this time I didn’t feel repelled at all. It didn’t feel like I must just tolerate and get past the hug for the sake of politeness.

And so that night I genuinely smiled and felt amazement at this warm and positive person who seemed to be wanting a casual emotionless relationship for fear of emotional investment. Yet his actions showed warmth, respect and a desire to have something more meaningful with someone than just physical intimacy. There was no false flattery, no manipulation or deceit nor direct comments on physical desires that I had seen so far. He seemed to have little experience with the ways of someone who wants to have a casual fling with a girl.

And so I genuinely smiled and felt positive and didn’t hold myself back. We spoke about music, he shared his story of how he learnt to play the keyboard in his childhood and when he started to feel good about it, how he learnt to play with two hands in few days’ time because he got a second chance to play in a college band after getting rejected once, his relation with his parents, things that are important to him, how he respected my decision to leave my job and take up music full time, how he thought I could improve my singing. We spoke a lot about music and we wouldn’t stop talking. There were hardly any pauses. What I didn’t realise then was I was getting quietly impressed by his determined nature, his proficiency in music, his sense of affection towards his friends and sense of responsibility towards his parents. At that point of time all I noticed was some feelings of amusement at how he kept affirming that we had spent so long talking without realising the time so it meant that we had a good date and how he was surprised by my choice of location for the date/meeting. It seemed to have overwhelmed him and his fear somehow amused me because I considered myself immune to being affected by feelings.

As we took a walk in the neighbourhood of the restaurant he asked me if he could hold my hand and I laughed. Who asks. My ex would sort of just make our hands subtly bump into each other and suddenly hold it tight. And I would get pleasantly surprised. That warm memory of holding hands was somehow very special to me and since we broke up I would pull away when someone would try to hold my hand. But my ex was no longer special and this guy had asked so politely. You don’t discourage when someone treats a girl with so much respect. I was used to people who spoke of respecting the girls in their lives yet their actions showed a sense of entitlement and dominance. The irony made me laugh though I shyly said yes.

“Why did you laugh when I asked?” He enquired as we walked side by side holding hands.
“Because you asked. I’m not used to it.” I replied simply. It was hard to go into complex explanation. It didn’t seem apt for the sweet moment we were having.

“Don’t worry. I don’t have that kind of feelings for you. I just find you physically attractive.” Despite myself, despite things being already clear between us, my heart sank. So he didn’t find me attractive as a person. As a person I could be anyone it didn’t matter to him as long as there was a possibility of physical intimacy.

“You smell good. I guess I am being upfront but this is how I am. I find you physically attractive. There was a moment there when I wanted to kiss you.”
I smiled.
“Can I? Can I kiss you?” he asked.
“No.” I said. The thought of kissing felt too much suddenly.
He didn’t protest. No expression of disappointment. No subtle attempts to guilt me into saying yes. Usually I would’ve given in to guilt and distanced myself later. That’s me. I play my part obediently in a show run by the opposite person without asking questions. And one day it gets too much and I close the book without warning. This is what I was used to. It allowed me to remain a cold unattached observer able to walk out the moment I chose to do so. But this guy was treating me with respect while simultaneously telling me that I as a person meant nothing. Why did I not protest? Why did I not speak my mind? Because I was confused about what was hurting and what was endearing. And I was afraid I would say something that would drive him away. After getting abandoned once I had carefully made sure that I would never be the one getting abandoned, I would be the bird that flies away when she chose to, not the other way round. Never the other way round.

I booked a cab and literally wanted to run away from there before I said anything to ruin the beautiful night. As I was taking leave he hugged me and yet again it felt so warm and safe. He held on a second longer and kissed my forehead. I looked at him surprised and he looked away with a slight smile that he couldn’t hide. And yet again that exposed his pure affectionate side that I found so endearing.

As the cab drove away I closed my eyes and held on to that hug and kiss for as long as I could. Because I knew from experience that it would not last forever. Did he know he had shown affection and respect to a person who had only experienced lust, deceit, force and violation? There was only one other person who had done this before and he too had changed when the break up left him with feeling only hatred and occasional longing for physical intimacy alone. Did he realise that he had stirred emotions in a heart that since then only smirked and felt disgust when men expressed their emotions for her. It was hard for him to understand. But it was getting difficult for her to dismiss him and forget. That made him dangerous. Beautiful though that night was she knew that he had opened some doors she had locked away forever and she didn’t have the freedom to just fly away when the time comes. So she had to escape now before it was too late.