Void

How do you fill the void left by a person? You can’t.

How do you make their pain go away?

You try to meet new people so they will come and replace them. So you don’t feel the pain anymore. But new people need to be able to create their own space or you will hurt them in trying to fit them in the wrong place.

That void can only be filled by that one person who is never coming back. But that is okay. You still have memories and lessons and funny stories and warm moments. They will fill that space. Not just yet though. I know those memories are painful right now but they will stay. Some weeks, months, years later you will tell the story of this person without feeling that pain and you will know that despite the final moments of bitterness, they did hold a special place. And they changed you and in many ways you will never be the same person again.

Worthy

Everything I do I wish to share with you,
The good, so you can see how worthy I am
And the bad, so you can see how i triumph despite what I face
As if that will suddenly change your mind as you see how wonderful i really am
And come back and tell me how much you admire me
As if that is all it takes
But the truth is there is no pleasing anyone
But it’s hard to sink
We want to feel lovable
We want to feel wanted
And in the absence of that our life feels meaningless
Like we must be imperfect rejected products
That must be thrown into the warehouse
For no one to see
For no one to work with
For no one to love
But pull apart, break into pieces for its utility
And then discard,
Left to die

may be so, I will agree. If I keep living my life to make myself worthy in your eyes. But what if one of those rejected samples were to escape the factory. Find its way to an antique store, an artist’s home. May be someone can give it a new meaning. I like to believe I may not belong in this world but I have to strive to make life meaningful. And may be then I will find some other friends who refuse to be “rejected” and somehow in how we strive to find meaning we could inspire each other and find our family.

Stone Walls

Can someone tell me why I want to cry?

Tell me why I want to die?

I know there is a reason in there somewhere,

I know something inside me is begging,

For something,

Something it knows it can never get,

Can someone tell me, how this feeling could end?

I want to know, was life supposed to be this way?

Was I supposed to come here for pain?

I have reached a dead end, so I cling to this wall.

I sit here holding my knees to my chest,

I take deep breaths,

I feel comfortable inside me and I hold on to it all,

Don’t move me, I’m comfortable now,

Don’t try to pull me back into the world,

This place is lonely,

But in these walls – I can trust,

These stone walls.

Erase

I’m erasing you now.

Every time I long for you, I erase you.

I hate your guts then I let you go.

I imagine running into you and turning away.

I want you to leave.

Be out already. For all the love we shared I was eventually nobody.

I know it was always one sided but it felt so real.

It’s hard to do it but I have to accept it so.

So be out of my thoughts already. You have no place in my life.

I want to make place for something new.

Something that deserves to stay because the guy i love, loves me too.

Gone

It’s over. He’s gone.

I’m saying good bye. I’m trying.

With one leg still in the door i keep looking as far away as i can

But my leg is stuck and he’s not about to pull me in.

It’s time for me to leave even though I can’t believe it.

I wish it meant more but I never belonged here. I was invited as a guest to spend a night and now that’s past.

I’m not needed at all and it’s time for me to take my broken insides, cry alone in pain and leave.

Holding on still..

I’m hanging by a thread. Wondering if I should let go and fall apart. Wondering if holding on is even worth it. Every branch, every straw I catch hold of, in the hope that it will save me, somehow turns out to be a curse, worse than the one before. I see pain everywhere. I only go on because I am afraid to die, even though death is inevitable for us all.

Momentum

Sometimes you have to take advantage of momentum and get more done when things are all falling in the right place. That would mean taking lesser breaks and focusing. Sometimes you have to listen to your body and take longer rests but keep going one baby step forward. I have realised that you can’t make too many hard rules in life. You have to be aware of what works in the moment.

But when you are feeling at your best, when your physical and mental health are in place – that’s when you should keep going without stopping. The momentum could take you to places you had never imagined was possible to reach in this lifetime.

Audience Of Two

This friend of mine was wondering today, if he should start vlogging instead of blogging because it seems that majority of people don’t like to read. And I said to him, “Why is so much dictated by what people want? What about what you want? Do you enjoy writing or making videos?” And as I passed on this pearl of wisdom, I realised that this was so applicable to me. I stopped writing here because every time I post i wait for people to like and comment and end up getting like two likes in 2 weeks. And that discourages me.

But hey, so what if only two people are reading what i write? I enjoy sharing my thoughts and two people enjoyed reading it. Why is that not comparable to a thousand people reading it. I am not trying to sell a book here. Why should everything we do, be about popularity and making money, isn’t it?

Creation could be so much easier if we decide to create for two people instead of a hundred people. Easier still when the two people are strangers i have never met but somehow resonated with something i said.

The Perils of “Taking”

I learnt a lesson through this heartbreak. I learnt that people don’t get into your lives by sharing your bed or by sharing troubles. Sometimes they get into your heart by lending a helping hand or by making you smile or by offering you a moment of being pampered even when you did not ask for it. I understand now why my mother did not like unnecessarily taking help from people. Someone offers you something they cooked. It seems harmless to eat it. But no, if they do it too often they will also have the power of withdrawing it and making you feel unloved.

I let this man drop me home on his bike, take me out for a walk or accompany me to the supermarket even when I was perfectly capable of doing these things on my own. These seemingly harmless little gestures hurt me the most when he chose to arbitrarily withdraw them completely after he found his new muse.

I think it is ok to accept gifts but if someone is making you used to gifts, then even the smallest of gestures will make you a captive of their whims. You may think you have no feelings for them but if they are making you smile, they also hold the power to make you cry.

If I sound cynical, I am cynical.

But I am taking a lesson from this. I could get used to gifts from myself. No one can take that away from me. May be not forever. But atleast for the next few months I want to get used to saying no to gestures from others. To rely solely on myself to find a reason to smile. So that when I let love in, it would be a gesture from me, not a risk I take to find affection or acceptance.