when you are trying to get a hold over your life and thoughts
out of nowhere
a realisation of reality comes to you and you are hit
by this wave of overpowering emotion
that makes your legs weak and your body tremble.
You shut your eyes tight and clutch yourself.
Because the only other alternative is to scream loudly and run away
to no place.
Because there is absolutely no one you know who can help you with this.
Because you can’t explain the extent of helplessness.
Because you are alone in your fall
and you are doing something that is your only shot
at making your life work and if anything goes wrong ,
you no longer have any alternate plans
there is no loved one out there who actually knows how deep in shit you actually are
and despite all this there is a child in you who doesn’t give a fuck and just wants to while the time away,
not care about bills or security or future.
Just do what she stubbornly wants to do
and then you look around and there’s no one else like you.
Everyone seems sorted.
Pretty girls with time to groom and chirp around
and people who are going around travelling and having fun and reading books
and doing regular jobs with a career plan
and going out for dinner with their gang or boyfriends or girlfriends
and knowing what’s coming next
and knowing how to love without screwing up or getting screwed…
not having to lie about themselves to anyone…
living a life where they know they always have a loved one to go and hold when things seem scary.
I don’t know.
May be this is an illusion.
May be no one really has that sense of security and instead of comforting me this thought scares me more
because that means this is how life is always going to be
and i don’t seem to be handling this well…
so does that mean that something is wrong with me mentally?
that it’s not my life after all..the one that’s screwed up is me…?