Stronger Still..

The restlessness
The anguish
Caused by his walking in and leaving
The hope that rose in her heart and got quashed once again
As if life is attempting just that
Take the hope out once and for all from her heart
Hurt her so much that she dare not hope
She must give in to fate
and say whatever you say
You lead the way
But she’s stronger than fate knows
She can wait
She can live with the pain
She refuses to give up on this dream
As she never ever gave up on any dream
May be he’s not the one
May be she is going to have her heart broken countless times
And cry in pain
but she will never give up and give in
She will learn to be stronger still.

My Fort Is My Heaven.

Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
Is love
nothing else
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
anymore no
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.

When does it get better?

I didn’t know this growing up. But I was always in a state of longing for something. Something that would come and change everything. Make my life good. And I could breathe a sigh of relief. Then I figured I need to leave my home, because that was after all the source of all negativity. But no, you cannot detach yourself that easily. Your family has control over your head even from miles away.

Any way…no one knows my struggle. And today I meet people who judge me for my decisions and for how far behind I am. What do they know.

The fight all my life was
For getting into the game
But now that I am here
I am far behind
The last person running
New players have entered
And they mock me
Because they are already running faster
I have after all grown old
And I have baggage to carry
So I am running , dragging
But I am slow
And I take too many breaks
It’s not good , because
no one here is going to listen to my reasons
I am all alone again
I am on the path of my dreams
But I have no friends

Last straw

You were the last straw
It’s too much of a responsibility for you I know
Being told that
You were just looking for a day’s fun
But I was letting myself get swayed by your pretence
Foolish though it was
That hidden part of me that still had hope
Peeking through half closed doors
One last time
But now that door is shut
That last time was enough confirmation
That it need not resurface ever in this life time
This is what life has planned for me
The sooner I accept the sooner I can begin
To love myself
To gift myself with what delights me
To take myself out on a date and be happy
To be my own companion
I hope this relationship lasts.

Dirt

You broke my heart
Like no one ever did before
I didn’t know you well
Yet I thought i’d be safe with you
My mistake
Must be something about how you spoke
Your charms

But you threw me away
like dirt
you treated me in a way
That i would never want any guy to touch me ever again

Because i realised that displays of affection, those smiles,
that feeling of connecting over something that’s important to us both
were nothing but ruses
meant to pave a path for you
to treat me like dirt, momentary relief

nothing else
nothing more
whatever I may want to believe
this is all i’ll ever mean to a guy
Dirt

Risk

I knew
I always knew the risk
I knew
I knew it was not easy

But I also knew the risk

Of not trying ever,
The risk of losing
That ray of hope

It was not worth it
Just to stay safe
It didn’t make any sense

I had to jump
Even if it meant
Falling Hurting
Losing everything

But
I had nothing to start with
Nothing but hope
And a message from someone

That nothing mattered

Only
Living without ever giving up
Living in the best way possible
With whatever we have.

Float

Some days are going to be like this
It’ll feel as if everything’s out of your reach
I feel as if I have lost all that I worked for
All that I held dear
But does it ever really go away

I have sunk a bit out of it’s reach
Down here it’s gloomy, nothing is clear
I’m used to staying sad this way
Habits are more comfortable sometimes
Familiar even if toxic

Sometimes we have to fight with ourselves
To not be sad
Seems so ironic
But it’s also beautiful, depends on how we see it
Sadness often paints a beautiful picture
And like every drowning man needs to know
All we need to do is not fight, but float

Float with the darkness, float with the pain,
Till we are back on the surface
And we can see the sunlight once again.

Moving on

You and I we both know that things have changed
The people we were in the past, we are not the same
The faces and names are cues to memories we hold dear
But the reality is, those people are no longer here
Life shaped us in different ways when we moved apart
There are no regrets now just a suspended emotion
An acknowledgement , that our paths once crossed

Stepping away..

But why won’t she just stay calm and let things be
Why hold on too tightly to something then erase it all
Like a middle ground makes no sense
Swinging like a pendulum
from unbelievable happiness to unexplained grief
Though life is always good
In its own delicious way
It mixes the right amounts
Of moments of happiness and those of pain
If only she knew how to ride the waves
Of love
Instead of drowning herself in the highs and suffocating in the lows
If only she knew how
But the only way she knows is to throw it all away
Step away from the water
And watch longingly
From far far away