How long can one live in the fear of being hurt. How long can we guard ourselves and think before we take every step.
It’s true that it hurts like hell when we take off all our masks , break down our walls for someone only to be let down again. It takes away all our energy but isn’t it better that we see the truth sooner than later.
If we feel scared of being vulnerable we will be alone forever because there will be nobody, around whom we can be our true selves. If we are looking for that one person to spend our time or lifetime with shouldn’t that one person make us feel accepted for who we are and not some pretend version of us we bring on dates to impress.
We could play mind games or act like we don’t care so that we don’t come across as needy. We may win the battle of impressing someone for one date or few dates but whom are we really fooling here? That person or ourselves? We are trying to say that the real version of us that expresses how he / she feels and trusts and gives his / her all to one person is not good enough. But then how will anyone love us if we are so ashamed of ourselves. Better be alone than in a situation where we have to manage what we say, when we say and how we feel all the time. It is better that we spend some time alone till we find someone who won’t reject us for being emotional and vulnerable around them but will respond to this brave gesture with respect and sensitivity.
If I were to tell you the one thing about him, that was hard to forget, it was his eyes. They shone brightly when he spoke about the things he loved, like when he was telling me about the songs he was working on. His face was otherwise calm and quiet. It was only his eyes that gave away the eagerness and intensity of the emotions he felt inside.
They had that infectious quality. We would be watching a movie, me snuggled cozily in his arms, slightly leaning on him and there would be that one funny moment in the movie. He would laugh and look at me. His eyes and face would just light up and there would be that pure moment when I just wanted to go ahead and kiss him.
Yet the first few times he tried to come close I felt like I just wanted to vanish. I didn’t want it to happen. I hoped we could just sit like that. That he would not try to take things forward. And the first time we kissed felt awkward like it was happening before I was ready for it and I could not feel anything. But the beautiful thing was that it only got better as we got familiar. The more we kissed the more I started loving the feeling of his lips gently sucking on mine and our tongues touching playfully. And I felt so comfortable in his arms that all my walls just melted away like they never existed.
And that was the thing about him. He was not the high that overcomes you suddenly and dies away as quickly as it came. His effect was gradual in a way that you would think that it means nothing to you but when you realise how he had affected you, it was a little too late to back away.
But why won’t she just stay calm and let things be
Why hold on too tightly to something then erase it all
Like a middle ground makes no sense
Swinging like a pendulum
from unbelievable happiness to unexplained grief
Though life is always good
In its own delicious way
It mixes the right amounts
Of moments of happiness and those of pain
If only she knew how to ride the waves
Instead of drowning herself in the highs and suffocating in the lows
If only she knew how
But the only way she knows is to throw it all away
Step away from the water
And watch longingly
From far far away