Diary entry – 22nd May 2016

You probably don’t yet hate me,

You still waiting for me there,

‘coz you think I am the same girl,

The same push over who keeps coming back,

Who’s scared to leave, ‘coz she doesn’t want to be bad.

 

But I’m gone this time for good,

‘coz I’m tired now,

I tried to make things work,

But you just never thought it was enough,

So I’m gonna do the bad thing this time,

I am gonna just leave,

Let you deal with life alone.

 

I know you gave me good things,

And you lost a lot for me,

But I also know you were attached to losing,

You will never get what I mean,

Always think I am evil,

Be it, it’s good for you,

May be this way you will never miss me,

It’s never too late to learn life’s lessons,

May be this will make you stronger,

Start seeing things like a different person.

 

But I know I will always be the bad one,

Because I tried but I couldn’t be good to you,

It was too much for me to do,

I gotta live my own life too,

But somehow it could never happen with you.

 

I feel like a bad bad person leaving you,

‘coz you did what you could, it was all you understood,

But I am not in the power to save you now,

I am saving myself instead,

Hoping that you will hate me,

And move on,

But will also learn to live better,

Hoping that you will finally take what is yours,

‘coz no one else can help you really,

The game is all yours.

 

 

 

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Diary entry – 14th may 2016 – Part 2

The best thing about keeping a diary is the honesty.

You have to pretend all the time in front of the world. Act appropriate, filter your words so that people won’t judge you, filter your words so that the truth doesn’t hurt people, act as if being emotional is creepy. Being sad is dull and boring. You have to act all cheerful and interesting and talk only if you have good things to say about a situation. Otherwise you are being negative. Talk about yourself and you are being selfish. Listen to others all the time and you are being submissive.

So easy to forget your true self, your true thoughts in the midst of all this. But keeping a diary let’s you stay in touch with your true self. No more hidden emotions that even you are no longer aware of. Whatever you pretend to be in front of the world, you are still honest with yourself. And I think that is the single most important quality that every person should have. Honesty with themselves. Acceptance of all your own flaws, your own embarrassing emotions, desires, and needs. Acceptance of  what is good about you and also what is bad about you. As you see it. Not as somebody else sees it.

Acceptance helps you see the reality of the situation and work accordingly. I have seen way too many people lying to themselves and doing things that confuse them in the long run. Because they don’t understand why they are hurting, what they are missing. They compromise with themselves, switch off that thing inside that reminds them of what they really want and pretend that they are happy with the way things are.

Yet that thing inside never stays silent. You can try your best. You can ignore and try to enjoy every day of your life. But that thing inside will call you again. If you listen to it, you will try to do the right thing. If you don’t listen and suppress it, you will not only not do the right thing, but the regret you feel for it, will always be there inside even though you have forgotten or refuse to remember why.