Good Mood Days :)

I am in a very good mood since the last two days. I am being able to acknowledge that there is something beautiful, something wonderful about every living person. Yes, I mean EVERY living person.

I know this sounds strange coming from a paranoid person like me. But I am starting to think that every person has a role to play in the world and in your story. The evil abuser, narcissist, sociopath, controlling mother, abusive husband, all of them were there in your life to change you in a certain way, to take you ahead in your story.

I feel today the need to nurture the best I can see in every person I speak to. I have a feeling that it will lead to something good. Not for the person, but for me. The feeling that I don’t have to live in suspicion but can love everyone and give everyone reason to smile is very liberating.  

So does this mean I want to take the risk again? I think it is more on the lines of what one friend with narcissistic personality disorder under treatment had told me. Don’t change yourself, but define your boundaries. So you will know when someone tries too hard to get past your boundary. All you would really have to do is ensure that no one gets past it. Don’t avoid, just know where to draw the line. Protect yourself but don’t avoid living because you fear getting hurt. Don’t tolerate when things turn bad, but don’t avoid the situation altogether. Just learn to raise your voice once in a while and fight for yourself.

I think these happy thoughts are a result of my good mood today 🙂 I don’t really know how long this will last, but I hope it lasts longer and brings real change in me 🙂

The bottom line is ………….. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST ……… The ruthless truth. Crib and complain all you want, but if you don’t like something, you have to change it. There is no other way. If you don’t change it then you are just weak and nature will eliminate you. So better just decide to fight because surviving is YOUR RIGHT!

Fighting our own way..

I want to help people in despair. I don’t want people to feel helpless. When I have the means I want to make a place where people can go to solve their problems. Where they will get whatever help they require and they pay by helping one other person in the place.

I have been getting one recurring dream since the past one year. A dream where there is a little 3 or 4 year old girl in my house (whom I’ve never seen in reality). For some reason no one else in the house notices her or gives her any attention. My mom and sister come and go, say something, but don’t bother much. And the girl just sits around somewhere unsmiling, unspeaking and I try to get her to talk, get her to laugh. I hold her, comfort her and try to ask her what she wants. She somehow means a lot to me. In one dream I was trying different pretty ear rings on her ears and asking her to look in the mirror. I was trying hard to make her happy, but she just looked on with a blank expression in her eyes. I don’t know what this dream means.

Some of us need monetary help, most of us need a listening ear, a word of advice or guidance or just answers to our questions. Others need encouragement and the assurance that they have a place to go to if their plan goes wrong somehow. The world is full of tormented souls, and manipulative people some of whom were themselves tormented in the past. Some people are lucky to find a way, some people are very brave, they fight tooth and nail.

And there are others bound by shackles, shackles that tighten their bonds around your ankle when the captor senses that you are trying to escape. But if you stand still, the shackles stay loose and seem to not bind you. What does one learn in this situation? Don’t we all learn to do what is good for us? Would you blame the captive for not trying to escape? Most do. It is sad but true. The captive lives in a world of rejection. Rejection from her captor who despises her for wanting to escape. Rejection from the world because she is such a coward she won’t fight for her rights.

Yet no one realizes that the decisions she takes are what she hopes will help her survive. She hopes, for only hope keeps us alive, but she cannot take a rash decision that will tighten the shackles around her for life.

But the judgmental people out there don’t understand that they are making things worse for her. I want to change this. I want to help her get out of this situation. I want to give her whatever it takes for her to come out victorious.

Life is not easy; I don’t say it should be. But why should it be terrible for some? Why a person should be mocked at for being meek when he or she has been taught that being meek is the right way to be. In my own home, my sister learnt from my narcissistic parent to be selfish and do things as she pleased. She learnt that worrying about hurting people’s feelings means she would have to sacrifice what she wants. I learnt from the codependent parent to try and guess the feelings of people and not dare to hurt them. Sacrificing your own wishes to avoid hurting the elders was looked at in high regard and I wanted to be the noble girl who took care of the happiness of the people around her. However thankfully I retained my self loving side that made me question this concept of sacrifice.

I try hard today to make myself more demanding and more straightforward. I try not to be afraid of the negative reaction from people. I try to take my own decisions and work on my own instead of giving in to the desire that someone should hold my hand and tell me how to do my work. But it is really hard because co-dependency creeps in silently without me realizing. But I keep trying and I will continue to try.

I just get angry that people judge based on what they themselves could do, or someone they know or read about could do. What they don’t realize is that every human being is different and unique. You cannot expect people to walk on the same path that worked for you. For some, it would be harder than others to walk on that path. But they are somehow judged if they refuse to take the path that others took to win their battle.

I wish people knew how to respect individuality.

I am rambling today; I am not in a good mood. I am going against my own advice and publishing more than one post today. But I cannot help it. I need this today. Not a good day. But I hope I will survive this and win my fight..

Just Something

Days when you want to go back to your abuser. You want to go back to being abused. Because you don’t have to take the responsibility and more importantly you will not be alone. It does not make any sense. I understand. But I am tired and I need help. I don’t know how long I can stand being like this. When will relief come my way, I feel like repeating what happened to me, I feel like I want to hurt others the same way. But it does not leave me feeling good. Is there a devil in me? I don’t know. I wish I got some help. Something somehow. Before I lose it. But I would like it if I go insane, it will get me help. But I am not insane, I live, I survive, I work perfectly fine. No one can see, nobody knows. But no, I don’t lose it, I am still the same. Why do I feel that I am breaking but I don’t break?

Baby Steps Towards Improvement..

I did it! Dad yelled at me, and I didn’t break down. I was chanting in my head this newly developed list of words I’ve made for myself.

Strong
Undeterred
Determined
Focused
Energetic
Sincere
Hardworking
Never Give Up!

It kept me sane to some extent. I am not angry OR feeling like hurting myself OR feeling helpless as would generally happen in this situation. I am quite composed in comparison. I am typing a blog post instead. 😀 I am getting better I think. Yes yes!

Though I still have that my life is not in my control thing. There is this interview coming up on 4th April, which I am not interested in giving. But he wants me to go. I tried to avoid once before by telling him that my boss didn’t want me to take leave from work on that day because we have an external audit. Not the right way of going about things I know. I should just tell him directly that I don’t want to go. But this brilliant idea of mine didn’t work anyway.

And today he yelled at me and said if I don’t want to go I should just say so. I was like, what the heck. I was thinking all along that I was being forced, hence I was going. I should have told him the truth immediately. I should have answered, “Yes! I don’t want to go!”

But I didn’t.

In my defence, it is not as easy as it seems.

He would have yelled at me and lectured me on all the reasons why he thinks I should go and wouldn’t stop till I gave in and said “Ok! I will go!”

And if I still didn’t give in then there would have been the taunts every day.

But you would say I never really tried it, how can I just assume and foretell? Valid point. But I just know this from countless previous experiences. And I managed to tolerate the yelling for a short time this time. But I am still not ready for the prolonged yelling that my “no” would have triggered. It scares me. Yes it does. I’ll admit it here. And all the emotional blackmail, taunts and extrapolating to unrelated situations that would have followed.

I know, I know. These are just excuses. I should just turn back, put my foot down and say, “I won’t go because I don’t want to. I am a 23 years old adult so I can take my own decisions!”

Yes sounds good. But no I still can’t do it. Call me a coward. I deserve it. But I can’t see how to do this. And that does leave a depressing feeling behind. But I don’t want to give up. I will keep trying may be…

Yet Again?

I felt stiff and cold. I walked upto his cabin once with the intention of entering but at the last minute I changed my mind and walked past the door. My face was flushed red even with the thought of facing him. Then I saw one of his subordinates walk in and I got the courage to go in. At least he wouldn’t be mean to me when other people were around. I went inside with the documents. He looked up from his phone and mouthed, “What?” very casually.

I found myself at ease suddenly. But I did not respond just nodded my head. He finished his call and asked me again, “Yes?” I was prepared for curtness. He was going to be curt and rude. Who likes to be treated like a stranger after such a close friendship, who likes to be ditched? His ego must be hurt. He must be trying to find ways to get back at me. “I just needed these issues closed, the Principal was not happy with the explanations you have provided”, I said, showing him the documents in my hand.

He looked at the documents for a while and asked for a few clarifications. I explained what the Principal had said. He did not react defensively. He didn’t stretch the matter. Only said, “Ok, it will be done. I may not be able to go the college today, but you will get it by the end of the day.”

I managed to smile and say, “Thank you!” and he replied with a polite nod.

I came out of his office lost and confused. This was not what I was prepared for. In fact this was so……invalidating. Almost like I would have preferred if he had been rude to me instead. Why was he so nice and polite and cooperative when he had every reason not to be? All these months I kept away from him, I had made this mental evil image for him and reminded myself everyday of what he had done to me. All the betrayal, all the hurt, all the horror and helplessness. The anger I had felt at him for putting me through so much trouble and fear. The numerous times I thought about hurting him. And yet today he seemed like a nice humane person. Was I then wrong all this time? Was he indeed a nice person?

I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. After having broken contact from him for so many months, I finally messaged him on my own, “How can you be so nice to me?” I texted.

I wanted to tell him that it confused me. If he was evil he should act evil, not be so sweet and cooperative. But I couldn’t tell him that. After a while he replied, “Because I love you. I did something which was not right. You showed me the right path and an opportunity to correct myself. I respect you for that. One rarely comes across such people and I am happy that I met one.”

I felt warmth and relief. But on another level I felt unsettled. Because he couldn’t be a good person. I had good reason to believe that before. The reason still holds. But I felt the hatred for him vanishing. I actually felt respect for him. But couldn’t this also be pretense? As always, maybe he just knows the right words to show that he is a good man.

I don’t know. I wish I understood. This is just another of those times when I fail. When I fumble in judging people because my heart believes and trusts easily. Each time I fall prey to it but this time I decided to write about it. Let’s hope now that I will hold on this time till my mind is more rational and I am sure about what I am doing…