Good Mood Days :)

I am in a very good mood since the last two days. I am being able to acknowledge that there is something beautiful, something wonderful about every living person. Yes, I mean EVERY living person.

I know this sounds strange coming from a paranoid person like me. But I am starting to think that every person has a role to play in the world and in your story. The evil abuser, narcissist, sociopath, controlling mother, abusive husband, all of them were there in your life to change you in a certain way, to take you ahead in your story.

I feel today the need to nurture the best I can see in every person I speak to. I have a feeling that it will lead to something good. Not for the person, but for me. The feeling that I don’t have to live in suspicion but can love everyone and give everyone reason to smile is very liberating.  

So does this mean I want to take the risk again? I think it is more on the lines of what one friend with narcissistic personality disorder under treatment had told me. Don’t change yourself, but define your boundaries. So you will know when someone tries too hard to get past your boundary. All you would really have to do is ensure that no one gets past it. Don’t avoid, just know where to draw the line. Protect yourself but don’t avoid living because you fear getting hurt. Don’t tolerate when things turn bad, but don’t avoid the situation altogether. Just learn to raise your voice once in a while and fight for yourself.

I think these happy thoughts are a result of my good mood today 🙂 I don’t really know how long this will last, but I hope it lasts longer and brings real change in me 🙂

The bottom line is ………….. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST ……… The ruthless truth. Crib and complain all you want, but if you don’t like something, you have to change it. There is no other way. If you don’t change it then you are just weak and nature will eliminate you. So better just decide to fight because surviving is YOUR RIGHT!

Fighting our own way..

I want to help people in despair. I don’t want people to feel helpless. When I have the means I want to make a place where people can go to solve their problems. Where they will get whatever help they require and they pay by helping one other person in the place.

I have been getting one recurring dream since the past one year. A dream where there is a little 3 or 4 year old girl in my house (whom I’ve never seen in reality). For some reason no one else in the house notices her or gives her any attention. My mom and sister come and go, say something, but don’t bother much. And the girl just sits around somewhere unsmiling, unspeaking and I try to get her to talk, get her to laugh. I hold her, comfort her and try to ask her what she wants. She somehow means a lot to me. In one dream I was trying different pretty ear rings on her ears and asking her to look in the mirror. I was trying hard to make her happy, but she just looked on with a blank expression in her eyes. I don’t know what this dream means.

Some of us need monetary help, most of us need a listening ear, a word of advice or guidance or just answers to our questions. Others need encouragement and the assurance that they have a place to go to if their plan goes wrong somehow. The world is full of tormented souls, and manipulative people some of whom were themselves tormented in the past. Some people are lucky to find a way, some people are very brave, they fight tooth and nail.

And there are others bound by shackles, shackles that tighten their bonds around your ankle when the captor senses that you are trying to escape. But if you stand still, the shackles stay loose and seem to not bind you. What does one learn in this situation? Don’t we all learn to do what is good for us? Would you blame the captive for not trying to escape? Most do. It is sad but true. The captive lives in a world of rejection. Rejection from her captor who despises her for wanting to escape. Rejection from the world because she is such a coward she won’t fight for her rights.

Yet no one realizes that the decisions she takes are what she hopes will help her survive. She hopes, for only hope keeps us alive, but she cannot take a rash decision that will tighten the shackles around her for life.

But the judgmental people out there don’t understand that they are making things worse for her. I want to change this. I want to help her get out of this situation. I want to give her whatever it takes for her to come out victorious.

Life is not easy; I don’t say it should be. But why should it be terrible for some? Why a person should be mocked at for being meek when he or she has been taught that being meek is the right way to be. In my own home, my sister learnt from my narcissistic parent to be selfish and do things as she pleased. She learnt that worrying about hurting people’s feelings means she would have to sacrifice what she wants. I learnt from the codependent parent to try and guess the feelings of people and not dare to hurt them. Sacrificing your own wishes to avoid hurting the elders was looked at in high regard and I wanted to be the noble girl who took care of the happiness of the people around her. However thankfully I retained my self loving side that made me question this concept of sacrifice.

I try hard today to make myself more demanding and more straightforward. I try not to be afraid of the negative reaction from people. I try to take my own decisions and work on my own instead of giving in to the desire that someone should hold my hand and tell me how to do my work. But it is really hard because co-dependency creeps in silently without me realizing. But I keep trying and I will continue to try.

I just get angry that people judge based on what they themselves could do, or someone they know or read about could do. What they don’t realize is that every human being is different and unique. You cannot expect people to walk on the same path that worked for you. For some, it would be harder than others to walk on that path. But they are somehow judged if they refuse to take the path that others took to win their battle.

I wish people knew how to respect individuality.

I am rambling today; I am not in a good mood. I am going against my own advice and publishing more than one post today. But I cannot help it. I need this today. Not a good day. But I hope I will survive this and win my fight..

Just Something

Days when you want to go back to your abuser. You want to go back to being abused. Because you don’t have to take the responsibility and more importantly you will not be alone. It does not make any sense. I understand. But I am tired and I need help. I don’t know how long I can stand being like this. When will relief come my way, I feel like repeating what happened to me, I feel like I want to hurt others the same way. But it does not leave me feeling good. Is there a devil in me? I don’t know. I wish I got some help. Something somehow. Before I lose it. But I would like it if I go insane, it will get me help. But I am not insane, I live, I survive, I work perfectly fine. No one can see, nobody knows. But no, I don’t lose it, I am still the same. Why do I feel that I am breaking but I don’t break?


She stood on the terrace and watched the lightening strike again and again. As the rain fell heavier and heavier she allowed herself to soak in the water. Cold water trickled through her whole body. Tears mingled with the water that flowed down her face. She was beginning to shiver slightly. But she just stood that way – hands outstretched face upwards and crying like she was begging for mercy and God just roared back in reply. Tired she just closed her eyes, God would take her back with him, she didn’t belong on earth.

She started falling backward. She splashed into water and fell deeper and deeper into it. There was water all around her now, she couldn’t open her eyes , she just kept falling deeper and deeper into the water. There was no landing , no floating, the water was bottomless. she just kept falling. Then she realized that she couldn’t breathe in water. She tried but there was no oxygen flowing in. Only water. She started choking. She gasped for air and woke up.

She was on the cold stone of her terrace. She was still wet, the stone was also wet. But it had stopped raining. She had stopped crying. Her face felt sticky and filthy. She felt like a complete mess, unclean both physically and spiritually. Nothing was clean about her. Her bones were in pain. Her head was throbbing. She felt heavy and immobile. The stone was very cold but she couldn’t get up. She had lost command over her body. She couldn’t make it move. She couldn’t get up.

She started weeping again, weeping and wailing. She wanted someone to hold her hand , hug her. But she was too dirty for anyone to touch her. She was abandoned and alone.

My Blogging Tip #2 – Limit the Number of Posts per Day

Why? Why? Because when I get many email updates for the same blog in one day, I read only the latest one. It is not to say that I don’t want to read the other posts, but after one post, I decide that I will read the remaining later. And later never comes.

And I’ve been doing this since almost a month. I feel guilty that I did not read all those posts, but then I have only this much time in one day 😦 and there are so many good bloggers out there!

I experienced this with my blog too. On Thursday morning I published one post. I was happy about it. I was looking forward to seeing what people would think about it. But by evening, something happened that made me all emotional and unstable. I really needed to vent out and I did. I wrote a poem without thinking much. Just wrote whatever I felt like writing. It almost felt like my hands were typing independently without inputs from my brain 😛

At the end of it I had a poem. And I badly wanted people to read that one, because this blog is the only place where I can talk openly about those feelings. So tada, by late evening, there was another post! A lot of people read and “liked” it. I got some new followers. It made me feel really good. Some of the people who liked that post are blogging on topics that I really relate to. So I am really glad I posted that poem.

But the post before that. Poor thing. No one cares about it now. Hehe. So well that’s the thing. To do every post on your blog justice, you have to give readers time to read. Publishing one or at most two posts per day is what I would recommend if you want to do justice to each of your posts.

Again this is not criticizing anybody. This is just my objective observation and inference based on that. People are free to tell me if they disagree or have experienced otherwise.

Hope this helps. Have a good day 🙂


Hurt yourself
For the pain you have done her.
She was not happy to see you,
You reminded her of her pain….
You were the cause, you were the cause of hurt for her,
You are not good,
Someone was hurt because you did not care,
I cannot smile now, because I don’t deserve the happiness,
I feel so alone, what have I done?
Help me, will you?
Accept my reason,
Tell me it is going to be good,
That by gones are by gones,
Don’t matter now,
But don’t they?
She was hurt when she saw me,
I could see it in her eyes,
The hesitation, the desire to avoid me,
She knows, that I stole what was hers,
I had not wished it,
But she knows I am the one,
It does not go down well with her,
Seeing me,
I am such a pain,
And she is not wrong,
I deserve to be despised,
And cringe in pain……….

How to negotiate for lower prices at work (For awkward people like me)

If you are anything like me, you probably get really uncomfortable asking for favors or a concession in costs from anyone and avoid it was much as you can.

Unfortunately for me, yesterday my boss insisted that I negotiate the rates with a training organization for training some of the employees in my company. I was in a soup. I could see how the conversation would end with them refusing point blank, and my boss considering me a failure. (Catastrophizing?)

It left me feeling angry with him, because it was so much easier for him to do it. He can always get his way with people. Then why trouble me? Anyway, I am glad now that he left it to me 😀 Once in a while I think I need to get pushed into the waters. Only then I bother learning how to swim 😛

So here I have detailed what I learnt about how to negotiate prices, may be it will help some of you too. May be you will think it is all wrong, I would appreciate if you correct me then!

How I prepared:
1. I googled, “How to negotiate for a lower price.” You know me 😀 ….. But there are quite a few good articles out there. What I learnt from those?
i. Don’t underestimate your power as the buyer. You have the right to demand a lower price.
ii. They are used to people negotiating with them, so don’t be embarrassed. Be shameless and ask for shamelessly low prices
iii. On the same lines, always quote lower than the price you want, because they are going to try and reach a midway price.
iv. Show that you are interested in buying but also give a reason for hesitation, which makes them want to take that extra effort to keep you in the deal.
v. One interesting tip that I did not get to use – If both fall silent during the negotiation, let him fill the silence, because he will end up blurting out a reason why he won’t reduce the rates or he may end up giving in to fill the uncomfortable silence (sly this one, I know! Poor fellow)

2. Next, I made a list of reasons why we should get a lower price.
i. We would be sending more number of employees for training
ii. We are sending our applications early, so we should get the early bird benefit (so said my boss)
iii. We have already sent employees for training in the past and since this is useful for us, we would be regular clients

3. The above point helps us to convince ourselves that we deserve the price discount. That brings me to the next step, which is keep yourself in the right state of mind. Yes. The state of mind that you really need the discount and you deserve it and it would be unfair of him to suggest that there won’t be a discount. It comes through when you talk.

4. Go ahead and call!

So below I tried to recollect my conversation and note it down. Not all of the above points helped. But the process helped me to speak confidently, which I think helped me sound authoritative.

Me: Hello? Sir, is this Mr. Peter*?
Peter: Yes, Speaking
Me: Sir, this is Radhika* from AAA* Inspectors Ltd.
Peter: Yes, Radhika!
Me: Sir, if you remember, we had sent 2 inspectors to the symposium you had arranged last month
Peter: Yes yes, I remember
Me: Sir, some days ago I got another email from XYZ* about a training on painting and coating inspection. We are very much interested in that course as we have many inspectors
Peter: (interrupted) Yes, I know a large base of inspectors!
Me: Exactly sir, and we would definitely like to give them this training. But I wanted to know if it is possible to get a concession in fees? Then I will be able to arrange for more number of inspectors to attend the training.
Peter: A concession in fees can be made. How many inspectors will be attending?
Me: about 8 may be.
Peter: Oh wow, 8 is a lot. May be we can give a concession of upto 10%.
Me: 10%? Ok ok that’s great! (writes down on a piece of paper). Sir, I also wanted to know, if we are able to increase the number of inspectors still further will there be any more concession?
Peter: uhhh, Radhika see, world wide recognized course like ABC cost as much as Rs. 90,000. And we are charging only Rs. 18,000 even though our course is much better than theirs. We must start giving value to good courses conducted in India.
Me: Yes sir, I agree that this is the scenario today. In fact, even here the fact that this course is not recognized among our clients like ABC’s courses was cause for some hesitation
Peter: but Radhika, even though ABC is more recognized you will see, people trained by them don’t really know so much. Whereas our course is definitely more value adding. ABC is keeping a high rate solely on the basis of the value attached to their name. Whereas we are losing on the profit margin. We are providing course material like notes and CDs too as take away. There is very little scope for cost reduction.
Me: (after listening intently) Yes definitely sir, we have a lot of faith in your trainers, which is why we are trying to send maximum of our inspectors for this training.
Peter: (Interrupted again) Ok, let me see ….. if 10 inspectors will attend, we will decrease cost from 18,000 per head to 15,000 per head.
Me: Oh ok sir, that would be brilliant! Thank you so much sir!
Peter: you are welcome dear
Me: Sir, can you send an email or something confirming the cost?
Peter: Just go ahead and send the amount with the filled up forms. I will endorse it don’t worry!
Me: Ok sir, thank you, thanks a lot !!! 🙂

And that is how I successfully managed to reduce the rates for my company and keep my boss happy 😀 …… Do you think this was a result of my preparation? Or just beginner’s luck? Is beginner’s luck a real thing? I have had many instances for sure, but that discussion would be for a different post.

One mistake I made, that one should avoid: I should have been aware of what price I wanted to bargain to. Oh yes, that’s obvious. But my boss only asked me to negotiate the price. He didn’t tell me negotiate to what price. So if the man had asked me what was the price I would like it for, I would have been clueless. Heehee.

Is the above advice correct? I would certainly like feedback on whether all my better experienced readers agree with what I have written or they think this is plain bull shit 😀

Thanks for reading, hope you found it helpful. Good day! 🙂

* Name changed to protect identity 😉