Peace and Happiness

I like to make life simple and restful for people. When people are in my company I like to make them comfortable and I like to make them feel good about themselves. I like it when everyone around me is smiling and happy and laughing about something. Yet people end up with jealousy, anger, deceit, hatred, hurt. I wonder why they like it. Why can’t they live and let live. I wish a life like that was possible. I will always strive for it while I live.

Dreams..

Never lose sight of your goal. NEVER EVER. Never let go of your dreams.

If your goal seems impossible to achieve, it means you are not willing to try hard enough. IF you have a goal THEN you need to make a PLAN to achieve that goal. Things may not always work out according to that plan, that’s OK. We can always tweak the plan because the plan is not important. Our goal, our VISION of where we want to reach in life IS important.  

Whatever path we take, whether it is long or short, whether it is straightforward or twisted, CAN always lead to your goal. Perhaps the long and twisted path will let you pick up along the way something that will make it easier for you to face the HARDER problems you are going to face when you are CLOSER to your goal. The reasons why you needed to take that twisted path will all be clear then. For now don’t question, just take whatever you get along the way, and keep thinking how you can use what you HAVE to reach where you want to BE.

What you really need is the FAITH in yourself, the faith that YOU will never give up. Because if YOU don’t give up, if you KEEP TRYING again and again and again AND again, you will surely succeed. LUCK can run out ONCE, luck can run out TWICE. But luck DOES NOT run out every time. Only the person who is truly passionate for his dreams to come true WILL have the patience to wait for the one time that luck WILL work in his favour. He is ready to take any test, even if it means waiting in agonizing uncertainty. Because he BELIEVES that the present situation may be uncertain but his GOAL is still important to him and he KNOWS he is going to get there some day ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.          

Nothing can come between you and your dreams. Nothing really. People who tell you that you cannot achieve your dreams are SHORT SIGHTED. But you must keep your vision far ALWAYS. Remember if your dream, you goal means something to you, then your every action, every step, every decision should be taken with an eye on your goal. ALWAYS. What you are doing today may not seem in any way related to what you wish to do in future. But if you stop in your tracks for this reason, you will never reach the destination. Keep walking; keep doing your best in whatever you do. Sometime in your life you will see how it all fits in the bigger picture. Each and every thing you did in life, each and every event, each and every person left something behind for you to use to achieve your goal. It is up to you whether you get stuck or you take what you were given and try to find ways of using it to move closer to your goal.

If your dream really means so much to you, then be willing to face every set back you face on your way. Haven’t we all heard the saying “When life throws lemons at you make lemonade”. Those are only WORDS if you like it that way or they can be the story of YOUR LIFE if you wish to make it that. It is all in YOUR hands.

Good Mood Days :)

I am in a very good mood since the last two days. I am being able to acknowledge that there is something beautiful, something wonderful about every living person. Yes, I mean EVERY living person.

I know this sounds strange coming from a paranoid person like me. But I am starting to think that every person has a role to play in the world and in your story. The evil abuser, narcissist, sociopath, controlling mother, abusive husband, all of them were there in your life to change you in a certain way, to take you ahead in your story.

I feel today the need to nurture the best I can see in every person I speak to. I have a feeling that it will lead to something good. Not for the person, but for me. The feeling that I don’t have to live in suspicion but can love everyone and give everyone reason to smile is very liberating.  

So does this mean I want to take the risk again? I think it is more on the lines of what one friend with narcissistic personality disorder under treatment had told me. Don’t change yourself, but define your boundaries. So you will know when someone tries too hard to get past your boundary. All you would really have to do is ensure that no one gets past it. Don’t avoid, just know where to draw the line. Protect yourself but don’t avoid living because you fear getting hurt. Don’t tolerate when things turn bad, but don’t avoid the situation altogether. Just learn to raise your voice once in a while and fight for yourself.

I think these happy thoughts are a result of my good mood today 🙂 I don’t really know how long this will last, but I hope it lasts longer and brings real change in me 🙂

Fighting our own way..

I want to help people in despair. I don’t want people to feel helpless. When I have the means I want to make a place where people can go to solve their problems. Where they will get whatever help they require and they pay by helping one other person in the place.

I have been getting one recurring dream since the past one year. A dream where there is a little 3 or 4 year old girl in my house (whom I’ve never seen in reality). For some reason no one else in the house notices her or gives her any attention. My mom and sister come and go, say something, but don’t bother much. And the girl just sits around somewhere unsmiling, unspeaking and I try to get her to talk, get her to laugh. I hold her, comfort her and try to ask her what she wants. She somehow means a lot to me. In one dream I was trying different pretty ear rings on her ears and asking her to look in the mirror. I was trying hard to make her happy, but she just looked on with a blank expression in her eyes. I don’t know what this dream means.

Some of us need monetary help, most of us need a listening ear, a word of advice or guidance or just answers to our questions. Others need encouragement and the assurance that they have a place to go to if their plan goes wrong somehow. The world is full of tormented souls, and manipulative people some of whom were themselves tormented in the past. Some people are lucky to find a way, some people are very brave, they fight tooth and nail.

And there are others bound by shackles, shackles that tighten their bonds around your ankle when the captor senses that you are trying to escape. But if you stand still, the shackles stay loose and seem to not bind you. What does one learn in this situation? Don’t we all learn to do what is good for us? Would you blame the captive for not trying to escape? Most do. It is sad but true. The captive lives in a world of rejection. Rejection from her captor who despises her for wanting to escape. Rejection from the world because she is such a coward she won’t fight for her rights.

Yet no one realizes that the decisions she takes are what she hopes will help her survive. She hopes, for only hope keeps us alive, but she cannot take a rash decision that will tighten the shackles around her for life.

But the judgmental people out there don’t understand that they are making things worse for her. I want to change this. I want to help her get out of this situation. I want to give her whatever it takes for her to come out victorious.

Life is not easy; I don’t say it should be. But why should it be terrible for some? Why a person should be mocked at for being meek when he or she has been taught that being meek is the right way to be. In my own home, my sister learnt from my narcissistic parent to be selfish and do things as she pleased. She learnt that worrying about hurting people’s feelings means she would have to sacrifice what she wants. I learnt from the codependent parent to try and guess the feelings of people and not dare to hurt them. Sacrificing your own wishes to avoid hurting the elders was looked at in high regard and I wanted to be the noble girl who took care of the happiness of the people around her. However thankfully I retained my self loving side that made me question this concept of sacrifice.

I try hard today to make myself more demanding and more straightforward. I try not to be afraid of the negative reaction from people. I try to take my own decisions and work on my own instead of giving in to the desire that someone should hold my hand and tell me how to do my work. But it is really hard because co-dependency creeps in silently without me realizing. But I keep trying and I will continue to try.

I just get angry that people judge based on what they themselves could do, or someone they know or read about could do. What they don’t realize is that every human being is different and unique. You cannot expect people to walk on the same path that worked for you. For some, it would be harder than others to walk on that path. But they are somehow judged if they refuse to take the path that others took to win their battle.

I wish people knew how to respect individuality.

I am rambling today; I am not in a good mood. I am going against my own advice and publishing more than one post today. But I cannot help it. I need this today. Not a good day. But I hope I will survive this and win my fight..

Just Something

Days when you want to go back to your abuser. You want to go back to being abused. Because you don’t have to take the responsibility and more importantly you will not be alone. It does not make any sense. I understand. But I am tired and I need help. I don’t know how long I can stand being like this. When will relief come my way, I feel like repeating what happened to me, I feel like I want to hurt others the same way. But it does not leave me feeling good. Is there a devil in me? I don’t know. I wish I got some help. Something somehow. Before I lose it. But I would like it if I go insane, it will get me help. But I am not insane, I live, I survive, I work perfectly fine. No one can see, nobody knows. But no, I don’t lose it, I am still the same. Why do I feel that I am breaking but I don’t break?

Baby Steps Towards Improvement..

I did it! Dad yelled at me, and I didn’t break down. I was chanting in my head this newly developed list of words I’ve made for myself.

Strong
Undeterred
Determined
Focused
Energetic
Sincere
Hardworking
Never Give Up!

It kept me sane to some extent. I am not angry OR feeling like hurting myself OR feeling helpless as would generally happen in this situation. I am quite composed in comparison. I am typing a blog post instead. 😀 I am getting better I think. Yes yes!

Though I still have that my life is not in my control thing. There is this interview coming up on 4th April, which I am not interested in giving. But he wants me to go. I tried to avoid once before by telling him that my boss didn’t want me to take leave from work on that day because we have an external audit. Not the right way of going about things I know. I should just tell him directly that I don’t want to go. But this brilliant idea of mine didn’t work anyway.

And today he yelled at me and said if I don’t want to go I should just say so. I was like, what the heck. I was thinking all along that I was being forced, hence I was going. I should have told him the truth immediately. I should have answered, “Yes! I don’t want to go!”

But I didn’t.

In my defence, it is not as easy as it seems.

He would have yelled at me and lectured me on all the reasons why he thinks I should go and wouldn’t stop till I gave in and said “Ok! I will go!”

And if I still didn’t give in then there would have been the taunts every day.

But you would say I never really tried it, how can I just assume and foretell? Valid point. But I just know this from countless previous experiences. And I managed to tolerate the yelling for a short time this time. But I am still not ready for the prolonged yelling that my “no” would have triggered. It scares me. Yes it does. I’ll admit it here. And all the emotional blackmail, taunts and extrapolating to unrelated situations that would have followed.

I know, I know. These are just excuses. I should just turn back, put my foot down and say, “I won’t go because I don’t want to. I am a 23 years old adult so I can take my own decisions!”

Yes sounds good. But no I still can’t do it. Call me a coward. I deserve it. But I can’t see how to do this. And that does leave a depressing feeling behind. But I don’t want to give up. I will keep trying may be…

Craving for freedom

Trapped like a caged bird,
It’s suffocating, how this is,
I want to get away; I want to feel happy again,
I’ve felt it, felt it before don’t know when,
The fresh happiness and unadulterated pain,
Life is long and vain,
I am trapped, I crave for control,
Control over my own life,
I crave to do the things,
That I have dreamed,
Set set set me free,
It is too much to bear
Too much pain
Love is but a farce,
There is no such thing,
They all just take away a little of me from me,
The love as I had thought of, does not exist,
I was but a fool to bond with humans,
They don’t care, they don’t care,
Let me be sometimes, I have life in me,
Sacrifice sacrifice,
This will last how long,
I am crushed in pain,
Life is still just the same,
Forever,
I am trapped in this forlorn cage,
Help me, help me,
Someone please, before I go insane.

Loneliness or solitude? Which way will I go, which way will I end up? I don’t know, I wish I did know. I like people, but I am paranoid about them. I have to learn to bond with people without having to live for them. But how? I always fail. People either hate me or make me their slave. There are times when I hang by a thread. Just a phase, just a phase. But its hard to know it when you r in it. But I tell myself, it will pass.

I’m Addicted :)

I have started to feel this compulsive need to write. I am not sure if it is turning into a habit. I think writing a blog post in wordpress is kind of gratifying. More people read your blog. People “like” it or “follow” it. It’s kind of delightful when I find an email informing me that a certain blogger has decided to follow my posts.
And then you want more. Haha ……… that’s where the addiction begins I think. Now suddenly I want more people to check out my posts. I want more responses. I read other people’s blogs, I “like” them if I think it’s good, and then I start hoping that they notice my blog too. I wait for responses.
Suddenly just one or two likes are not good enough. I want more people to notice. I want more people to read and tell me what they think of what I write. I check my blog more frequently because I want to know how many people might have read my posts.
I start reading more and more of other blogs, I try to find good ones and “like” or “follow” them all. In a way when a good blogger appreciates something I write somehow it is more valuable :P. The more I read blogs of other people the more inspired I get to write something worth reading like they have written, and then all day I think about what I could possibly write. Then I post it and this time I check several times to see if anyone has read the post yet.
All day, no likes, no comments, no new followers. Late night I get one new follower who also posts a comment and I am on top of the world. I celebrate. I am too eager to reply to her.
And then I think, “Gosh! I am desperate.” 😛
Yes I am late to join this place, but I am definitely addicted now 😀

When “bad” people offer to help

What do we do when someone has been really nice and helpful to us; when someone has been there for us when no one else was there? We tell them that we are obliged to them. We look at the people with high regard, develop a certain trust for them, and try to help them too when they seem to be in need or try to do something that would make them happy, just to give back what we got from them.

But what do we do when the same people turn nasty. Do things that hurt you, make you sacrifice what is important to you, because you need to be there for them now. Get you to come back to them for more and more help? Tell you that you need to be there because they have no one else? What do you do? Stay with them and suffer because you had promised you will always be there? Or turn into an ungrateful bitch, forget all promises and everything they had done for you and just desert them; leave them to die alone.

Are those people really suffering? Or are they plain manipulative like some say? Don’t manipulative people get lonely too? But am I obliged to lose my sense of self, to make them happy? What if you have manipulative parents who worked hard and sacrificed so that they earned the right to decide how you live your life? If you desert them now, they lose their purpose for living. You become the reason for their breakdown. How can you be a good person if you ditch your own parents? People who have done so much and lost so much for you?

Worse still, what do you do when you already know that the person is not a good person, but he is the only person who can help you with your problem or the only person who has offered to help? Have you ever been in this situation? Where you are desperate for something and the only way you can achieve it is by receiving help from a person you don’t like much?

This is why I hate taking help from people. I freak out when I realize that the only way out of a situation is to take help from someone. I prefer to walk alone, my own way. I make many mistakes, but at least I am not obliged to suffer. Am I wrong? I make grave mistakes sometimes. People call me high headed and arrogant for not listening to them. We are social animals with our own individual unique gifts. We all have to help each other with whatever gifts we have. I agree with this. I am willing to help, but I am not able to bear the consequences of taking help from people. When I make mistakes I cry because it proves to me that I am not capable, that I need to please people, submit myself to them, take their help. It is something I hate. But am I destined to be like this? How do others sail through life, getting things the way they want? Am I missing something?

This post is a question to anyone who reads this. Do you feel this way too? What is the solution for this? Please comment and tell me if you have an answer. If I ever get an answer to this myself, I will surely post it here for the benefit of whoever reads this. Thank you.