Random thoughts of a dreamer

Some random thoughts

Thought 1: I don’t know what life will be like when I grow old. May be I’ll be bed ridden, may be I won’t remember anything. May be I won’t grow old. May be I won’t live that long. But today I can say one thing confidently. I would’ve lived well. Every day since first stepped out of my home, has been a journey towards self discovery and every day since I quit my job has been a life of living my passion. May be I haven’t reached where I wish to be yet. But that doesn’t matter. The fact that I am on the journey now, that itself gives me peace. So even if I die today, I won’t have any regrets of not having done something. I am doing everything I can.

Thought 2: When someone tells you that they are taking the risk of pursuing their dreams, most people get judgemental. They tell them they are not ready yet, that they should take it slow. They need to learn this and improve that before they can even start.

That person has decided to take the risk, why make them look back? Help them make it work. Or don’t say anything. Why discourage?

Instead why not do this. Tell that person they are amazing for having taken this decision. If you can, guide them as to what can be done next. Applaud them every time they achieve a small success. This way you will give them the strength to continue. And persistence is all it really takes.

Thought 3: As a performer , when I put myself out there on the stage for the audience to judge, sometimes I lose sight of my goal. Pleasing the audience becomes my sole aim. Then in moments of peace, by meditating or clearing my head, I realise that my goal was to perfect my ability to sing and my understanding of music. My goal is to become a musician and a singer that I can listen to and feel proud of. And my goal is to spend my lifetime on this path. So may be the audience didn’t like me today, but it’s not supposed to happen in a day. May be pleasing the audience is the short term requirement that is important. But if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean there is no other way of achieving my main goal. The focus should be on working on my main goal every day and one of life’s miracles will unfold and I will find a way to make it happen. I know this sounds like a fantasy. But I have experienced this. Doors do open in ways we would never imagine. As long as we spend some time working on our dreams every day or every alternate day, we can be assured that doors will appear to new paths.

Thought 4: Plans can go haywire. What worked for the last 5 days may stop working now. You may lose things unexpectedly. You may have to start from scratch and it may all seem like a waste. But all of this will add up. So keep planning, keep trying new ways, keep restarting and keep retrying old ideas in new ways. You will be happy about it one day.

That’s it for today. I am not going to promise that I’ll write every day. Because I never keep that promise. But I am happy that whenever i write these days, it’s because I am very happy and I want to share my happiness unlike old days. I am glad that this blog is one place where part of my journey from difficult times to happy times is recorded for me as a reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am today! Thank you God, Thank you Universe, thank you bloggers, thank you Music, Thank you to myself for bringing me this far :). Good day and Merry Christmas!!!


Getting out of the rut

I think I am doing these days all the things that I should have done as a child but couldn’t do because of restrictions. And my greatest fear always is whether I can afford them right now as an adult.

It helps to talk to myself as a more mature version of myself. I imagine that Asmira from five years later is standing right there, watching me and telling me that it’s ok, there is a much better life on the other side and I am going to be much more peaceful and full of wisdom. I just have to hang in there and keep giving it my best shot.

And sometimes when I am stuck in a rut I imagine that I am watching myself and giving advice as I would give to my best friend if she was in my situation. One always thinks with a clearer mind while giving advice to others and this helps me to do exactly that. And then I force myself to follow my own advice as I would’ve forced my friend. Like I tell myself, “Girl, you need to first get up and take a walk” or “Girl, you need to first make that phone call before you worry about anything else!”.

Sitting at home and not having to go every day to work feels very unnerving because there is nothing to discipline you. You could just sit there, doing nothing and watching movies without paying heed to that nagging sensation that precious time is getting wasted. And the possibility of falling into that chasm and never recovering is very scary. Also the fear that all your efforts are ill-advised and you are wasting time without realising it. There is no sense of security. I don’t have any idea how things are going to work out. No concrete plan. Some vague plan is there about learning digital marketing or data analytics while continuing to work on music. But no concrete schedule or result that would give assurance that things will work out.

I have taken a leap. A premature leap perhaps. But it’s already done. As they say, there is no right or wrong decision. You take a decision and you make it work. Instead of wondering whether I made a mistake or whether things will work out. I have to decide to make it work somehow by doing whatever it takes. And most importantly never stop however hopeless it may seem to be.

The never ending loop

Feeling good for nothing.
Mood swings.
Making each day work.
Sticking to the plan.
Not sticking to the plan.
Feeling everything tumbling down.
Getting a grip and making a new plan.
Sticking to new plan.
False hopes.
Stumbling over an unseen problem.
Falling sick.
Stop Following plan.
Lose your grip.
Realise how much time you have spent and how much you have really achieved.
Getting up and trying again any way because you have no choice.
Calling it brave.
Telling yourself that you finally have it figured out.
Depression strikes yet again.
Chuck everything try to reset things.
Realise that it’s too late.
Go back to square one.
Make a plan.
And the cycle continues.

I am really stuck in this loop. But if there is anything that MBA has taught me, it is that at first nailing the project seemed like an impossible task to everyone. But those who stuck on and kept working on it without giving up somehow did nail it. And I was always one of those who got intimidated, who felt this was impossible to do. The solution always seems simple when someone gives it to you.

But what I learnt was that not giving up and consistently trying something was the way to go. A solution has to come out.

And so I shall go back to my never ending loop with this one ray of hope that may be not giving up will somehow magically give a solution. May be.

Negativity talking..

So here’s an update for all those who were following my blog from the start. In case you still read my posts, I got through with my goal of completing my MBA and finding a job away from home. I was finally financially independent as I had always wanted to be. But I couldn’t really get myself to work as a manager. My heart was always on pursuing the things I am really passionate about – music, psychology, working against child abuse. If any of my old followers are still reading, you know how much these things meant to me.

I finally got the opportunity to start working on my music passion. And I guess I got too involved with it. Too carried away. I don’t know. I just couldn’t see myself struggling to work in corporate anymore. I just didn’t belong in the position that I was holding in my previous company. Didn’t feel I could do justice to my job. On the other hand I was doing fairly well as a singer. Not financially. I was not earning anything, but I was having progress, I knew that this was one place where I could contribute. I truly had some potential here even though I was not qualified.

So eventually I quit my job. Thought that somehow I would find a way of earning through music itself, because I wanted to be genuine. I didn’t want to be that fake MBA person that was just wasting the time of the company because they needed money to pay off their loans. So I tried to take the honest path. I told myself, I am being honest so a path will open up. Because that’s what I believed. That if we are true to ourselves and if we have the courage then somehow we will find a way to make it work.

But as on today, I feel stuck. I don’t think music can start earning so soon. I need to give it more time.

Just remembering how I used to write motivating posts on how every small step matters and how one must never give up on their dreams. Keep trying, keep working, one step at a time. It made sense then because saying that gave me hope. But I don’t know what I would say to that young girl who wrote all that. Is the future really bright? Is their truly an escape?

Or do we really come with a destiny? May be not all are destined to find happiness and the better thing to do is to just resign to fate? May be I should never have dreamt of a better life, may be I should’ve stuck to the job where I could at least contributed something. May be I should’ve stayed with my parents and accepted that freedom and pursuit of happiness was not in my destiny? But I did, I made the choice of getting into a field not meant for me, just so that I could escape from home. And I guess I was wrong, it was not an escape. May be once we started going downhill, once one thing goes wrong and we stumble, may be we just keep tumbling and falling and getting weak and eventually have the big fall?

I don’t know. This is not a hopeful or positive or motivating blog post. This is just a honest, very honest thought flow that is probably good for nothing, just like the writer of this post..

Peace and Happiness

I like to make life simple and restful for people. When people are in my company I like to make them comfortable and I like to make them feel good about themselves. I like it when everyone around me is smiling and happy and laughing about something. Yet people end up with jealousy, anger, deceit, hatred, hurt. I wonder why they like it. Why can’t they live and let live. I wish a life like that was possible. I will always strive for it while I live.


Some days it feels as if your life and everything else,
is just slipping
from you,
Somewhere sometime you lost something,
And you madly seek it
But it doesn’t come,
Nor do you understand what it is that you seek
You want to get away from it all
And move on
Live a healthy life
As you so deserve
But it is not easy
And you keep falling back
I want to stand steady
And walk
Because there is still so much
I wish to do
I deserve a chance
To find happiness
And to pursue
What I dream
And dreamt
I wait for it
To turn right
To materialise
And give me a chance
But I hope I manage
To do it right

I just typed down whatever words came to my mind. This was not an attempt at poetry or writing, it was just thinking of words and typing the first word or sentence that came to my mind. I kind of liked the result so I am posting it.

Questions in my mind..

I ask myself today like I have asked several times before if there is a true moving on or is it just fading out and fading in at intervals?

Will I ever live a normal life? Or will I always live my life in suspicion and mistrust? Is this the normal way to live? When people say “trust me” why do they say it so easily? How can you really know that a person who keeps your trust once will keep your trust always?

Will I always be this damaged and paranoid? Will I always feel out of touch with the people in the room and have flashbacks of past pathetic memories? Am I the only one like this? Everyone has something to be sad about, then why am I the only one like this? Is there a secret that I don’t know?

Do I think like this because I think of myself as the victim? Is that it? When I stop thinking of myself as a victim and feel strong and in control suddenly? Do we all just consider our own stories to be the most important? Do we feel the need to be considered important even if it is for a pathetic reason?

Is this all because I think a lot? Should I stop thinking?
Keep my mind blank? Is it the same as pretending my feelings don’t exist? Will I be dissociating or doing something harmful by living by the assumption that there is nothing really that I feel bad about and I should focus on my present?

Do I make a big deal about things? If so why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to do this?

Will I ever get true love? Will the man allow me the freedom I need? Will I always be in the fear of losing my freedom? Will I be able to truly love anyone? Will I be able to commit my life to another person? What is love without trust and yet am I capable of trusting? Will I be lonely and detached forever? Am I permanently damaged somehow? Or is it all just in my head? Why does it change everyday?

Does all this matter at all? Does life matter at all? Do all the rules, culture, principles and laws mean anything? Does it really matter if I am a psychopath and get pleasure by killing and torturing people? Are we really punished for our sins or blessed for our good deeds or are all these just created in our minds so that we can find meaning in life?

Is there any meaning in life? Does my existence matter?

Why should I care? Why DO I care?


Never lose sight of your goal. NEVER EVER. Never let go of your dreams.

If your goal seems impossible to achieve, it means you are not willing to try hard enough. IF you have a goal THEN you need to make a PLAN to achieve that goal. Things may not always work out according to that plan, that’s OK. We can always tweak the plan because the plan is not important. Our goal, our VISION of where we want to reach in life IS important.  

Whatever path we take, whether it is long or short, whether it is straightforward or twisted, CAN always lead to your goal. Perhaps the long and twisted path will let you pick up along the way something that will make it easier for you to face the HARDER problems you are going to face when you are CLOSER to your goal. The reasons why you needed to take that twisted path will all be clear then. For now don’t question, just take whatever you get along the way, and keep thinking how you can use what you HAVE to reach where you want to BE.

What you really need is the FAITH in yourself, the faith that YOU will never give up. Because if YOU don’t give up, if you KEEP TRYING again and again and again AND again, you will surely succeed. LUCK can run out ONCE, luck can run out TWICE. But luck DOES NOT run out every time. Only the person who is truly passionate for his dreams to come true WILL have the patience to wait for the one time that luck WILL work in his favour. He is ready to take any test, even if it means waiting in agonizing uncertainty. Because he BELIEVES that the present situation may be uncertain but his GOAL is still important to him and he KNOWS he is going to get there some day ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.          

Nothing can come between you and your dreams. Nothing really. People who tell you that you cannot achieve your dreams are SHORT SIGHTED. But you must keep your vision far ALWAYS. Remember if your dream, you goal means something to you, then your every action, every step, every decision should be taken with an eye on your goal. ALWAYS. What you are doing today may not seem in any way related to what you wish to do in future. But if you stop in your tracks for this reason, you will never reach the destination. Keep walking; keep doing your best in whatever you do. Sometime in your life you will see how it all fits in the bigger picture. Each and every thing you did in life, each and every event, each and every person left something behind for you to use to achieve your goal. It is up to you whether you get stuck or you take what you were given and try to find ways of using it to move closer to your goal.

If your dream really means so much to you, then be willing to face every set back you face on your way. Haven’t we all heard the saying “When life throws lemons at you make lemonade”. Those are only WORDS if you like it that way or they can be the story of YOUR LIFE if you wish to make it that. It is all in YOUR hands.

Good Mood Days :)

I am in a very good mood since the last two days. I am being able to acknowledge that there is something beautiful, something wonderful about every living person. Yes, I mean EVERY living person.

I know this sounds strange coming from a paranoid person like me. But I am starting to think that every person has a role to play in the world and in your story. The evil abuser, narcissist, sociopath, controlling mother, abusive husband, all of them were there in your life to change you in a certain way, to take you ahead in your story.

I feel today the need to nurture the best I can see in every person I speak to. I have a feeling that it will lead to something good. Not for the person, but for me. The feeling that I don’t have to live in suspicion but can love everyone and give everyone reason to smile is very liberating.  

So does this mean I want to take the risk again? I think it is more on the lines of what one friend with narcissistic personality disorder under treatment had told me. Don’t change yourself, but define your boundaries. So you will know when someone tries too hard to get past your boundary. All you would really have to do is ensure that no one gets past it. Don’t avoid, just know where to draw the line. Protect yourself but don’t avoid living because you fear getting hurt. Don’t tolerate when things turn bad, but don’t avoid the situation altogether. Just learn to raise your voice once in a while and fight for yourself.

I think these happy thoughts are a result of my good mood today 🙂 I don’t really know how long this will last, but I hope it lasts longer and brings real change in me 🙂