Baby Steps Towards Improvement..

I did it! Dad yelled at me, and I didn’t break down. I was chanting in my head this newly developed list of words I’ve made for myself.

Strong
Undeterred
Determined
Focused
Energetic
Sincere
Hardworking
Never Give Up!

It kept me sane to some extent. I am not angry OR feeling like hurting myself OR feeling helpless as would generally happen in this situation. I am quite composed in comparison. I am typing a blog post instead. 😀 I am getting better I think. Yes yes!

Though I still have that my life is not in my control thing. There is this interview coming up on 4th April, which I am not interested in giving. But he wants me to go. I tried to avoid once before by telling him that my boss didn’t want me to take leave from work on that day because we have an external audit. Not the right way of going about things I know. I should just tell him directly that I don’t want to go. But this brilliant idea of mine didn’t work anyway.

And today he yelled at me and said if I don’t want to go I should just say so. I was like, what the heck. I was thinking all along that I was being forced, hence I was going. I should have told him the truth immediately. I should have answered, “Yes! I don’t want to go!”

But I didn’t.

In my defence, it is not as easy as it seems.

He would have yelled at me and lectured me on all the reasons why he thinks I should go and wouldn’t stop till I gave in and said “Ok! I will go!”

And if I still didn’t give in then there would have been the taunts every day.

But you would say I never really tried it, how can I just assume and foretell? Valid point. But I just know this from countless previous experiences. And I managed to tolerate the yelling for a short time this time. But I am still not ready for the prolonged yelling that my “no” would have triggered. It scares me. Yes it does. I’ll admit it here. And all the emotional blackmail, taunts and extrapolating to unrelated situations that would have followed.

I know, I know. These are just excuses. I should just turn back, put my foot down and say, “I won’t go because I don’t want to. I am a 23 years old adult so I can take my own decisions!”

Yes sounds good. But no I still can’t do it. Call me a coward. I deserve it. But I can’t see how to do this. And that does leave a depressing feeling behind. But I don’t want to give up. I will keep trying may be…

My Blogging Tip #1 – Keep it short!

I hate reading long posts. Posts should always be short. Short enough for me to read in about five minutes.

In those five minutes I should learn something new, or develop a new perspective or just feel an emotion, be touched somehow, it could be laughter or extreme sadness or anything.

Of course, if it’s a story, then I may be even read a post that will take me ten minutes. But for all other posts I can only read about 500 words, not more. I start shutting off, I close the page or I just look at how much more there is to read and lose interest.

I know I’ve been blogging for only a month now, so I’m no one to give judgments. But this comes more from the experience of reading posts and articles. Especially now that I am following quite a few blogs by email, I click on every email notification I get for a new post. But I don’t finish the long ones. I don’t have all day. I work, I get phone calls, I have studies and in the middle of all of that I read blog posts to get refreshed or feel better in some way.

So, when I learn something, I feel better. When I am touched by a story or a thought I get a new perspective to life, so I feel enlightened. If I don’t get any of this in the first one minute, I stop reading, because there are other better posts waiting in my email.

I am not writing this because I want to criticize people. It is just my observation. A point that I thought I should note for my future posts. Just thought it would be a good idea to share it here as well. Have a good day 🙂

Craving for freedom

Trapped like a caged bird,
It’s suffocating, how this is,
I want to get away; I want to feel happy again,
I’ve felt it, felt it before don’t know when,
The fresh happiness and unadulterated pain,
Life is long and vain,
I am trapped, I crave for control,
Control over my own life,
I crave to do the things,
That I have dreamed,
Set set set me free,
It is too much to bear
Too much pain
Love is but a farce,
There is no such thing,
They all just take away a little of me from me,
The love as I had thought of, does not exist,
I was but a fool to bond with humans,
They don’t care, they don’t care,
Let me be sometimes, I have life in me,
Sacrifice sacrifice,
This will last how long,
I am crushed in pain,
Life is still just the same,
Forever,
I am trapped in this forlorn cage,
Help me, help me,
Someone please, before I go insane.

Loneliness or solitude? Which way will I go, which way will I end up? I don’t know, I wish I did know. I like people, but I am paranoid about them. I have to learn to bond with people without having to live for them. But how? I always fail. People either hate me or make me their slave. There are times when I hang by a thread. Just a phase, just a phase. But its hard to know it when you r in it. But I tell myself, it will pass.

I’m Addicted :)

I have started to feel this compulsive need to write. I am not sure if it is turning into a habit. I think writing a blog post in wordpress is kind of gratifying. More people read your blog. People “like” it or “follow” it. It’s kind of delightful when I find an email informing me that a certain blogger has decided to follow my posts.
And then you want more. Haha ……… that’s where the addiction begins I think. Now suddenly I want more people to check out my posts. I want more responses. I read other people’s blogs, I “like” them if I think it’s good, and then I start hoping that they notice my blog too. I wait for responses.
Suddenly just one or two likes are not good enough. I want more people to notice. I want more people to read and tell me what they think of what I write. I check my blog more frequently because I want to know how many people might have read my posts.
I start reading more and more of other blogs, I try to find good ones and “like” or “follow” them all. In a way when a good blogger appreciates something I write somehow it is more valuable :P. The more I read blogs of other people the more inspired I get to write something worth reading like they have written, and then all day I think about what I could possibly write. Then I post it and this time I check several times to see if anyone has read the post yet.
All day, no likes, no comments, no new followers. Late night I get one new follower who also posts a comment and I am on top of the world. I celebrate. I am too eager to reply to her.
And then I think, “Gosh! I am desperate.” 😛
Yes I am late to join this place, but I am definitely addicted now 😀

Yet Again?

I felt stiff and cold. I walked upto his cabin once with the intention of entering but at the last minute I changed my mind and walked past the door. My face was flushed red even with the thought of facing him. Then I saw one of his subordinates walk in and I got the courage to go in. At least he wouldn’t be mean to me when other people were around. I went inside with the documents. He looked up from his phone and mouthed, “What?” very casually.

I found myself at ease suddenly. But I did not respond just nodded my head. He finished his call and asked me again, “Yes?” I was prepared for curtness. He was going to be curt and rude. Who likes to be treated like a stranger after such a close friendship, who likes to be ditched? His ego must be hurt. He must be trying to find ways to get back at me. “I just needed these issues closed, the Principal was not happy with the explanations you have provided”, I said, showing him the documents in my hand.

He looked at the documents for a while and asked for a few clarifications. I explained what the Principal had said. He did not react defensively. He didn’t stretch the matter. Only said, “Ok, it will be done. I may not be able to go the college today, but you will get it by the end of the day.”

I managed to smile and say, “Thank you!” and he replied with a polite nod.

I came out of his office lost and confused. This was not what I was prepared for. In fact this was so……invalidating. Almost like I would have preferred if he had been rude to me instead. Why was he so nice and polite and cooperative when he had every reason not to be? All these months I kept away from him, I had made this mental evil image for him and reminded myself everyday of what he had done to me. All the betrayal, all the hurt, all the horror and helplessness. The anger I had felt at him for putting me through so much trouble and fear. The numerous times I thought about hurting him. And yet today he seemed like a nice humane person. Was I then wrong all this time? Was he indeed a nice person?

I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. After having broken contact from him for so many months, I finally messaged him on my own, “How can you be so nice to me?” I texted.

I wanted to tell him that it confused me. If he was evil he should act evil, not be so sweet and cooperative. But I couldn’t tell him that. After a while he replied, “Because I love you. I did something which was not right. You showed me the right path and an opportunity to correct myself. I respect you for that. One rarely comes across such people and I am happy that I met one.”

I felt warmth and relief. But on another level I felt unsettled. Because he couldn’t be a good person. I had good reason to believe that before. The reason still holds. But I felt the hatred for him vanishing. I actually felt respect for him. But couldn’t this also be pretense? As always, maybe he just knows the right words to show that he is a good man.

I don’t know. I wish I understood. This is just another of those times when I fail. When I fumble in judging people because my heart believes and trusts easily. Each time I fall prey to it but this time I decided to write about it. Let’s hope now that I will hold on this time till my mind is more rational and I am sure about what I am doing…

When “bad” people offer to help

What do we do when someone has been really nice and helpful to us; when someone has been there for us when no one else was there? We tell them that we are obliged to them. We look at the people with high regard, develop a certain trust for them, and try to help them too when they seem to be in need or try to do something that would make them happy, just to give back what we got from them.

But what do we do when the same people turn nasty. Do things that hurt you, make you sacrifice what is important to you, because you need to be there for them now. Get you to come back to them for more and more help? Tell you that you need to be there because they have no one else? What do you do? Stay with them and suffer because you had promised you will always be there? Or turn into an ungrateful bitch, forget all promises and everything they had done for you and just desert them; leave them to die alone.

Are those people really suffering? Or are they plain manipulative like some say? Don’t manipulative people get lonely too? But am I obliged to lose my sense of self, to make them happy? What if you have manipulative parents who worked hard and sacrificed so that they earned the right to decide how you live your life? If you desert them now, they lose their purpose for living. You become the reason for their breakdown. How can you be a good person if you ditch your own parents? People who have done so much and lost so much for you?

Worse still, what do you do when you already know that the person is not a good person, but he is the only person who can help you with your problem or the only person who has offered to help? Have you ever been in this situation? Where you are desperate for something and the only way you can achieve it is by receiving help from a person you don’t like much?

This is why I hate taking help from people. I freak out when I realize that the only way out of a situation is to take help from someone. I prefer to walk alone, my own way. I make many mistakes, but at least I am not obliged to suffer. Am I wrong? I make grave mistakes sometimes. People call me high headed and arrogant for not listening to them. We are social animals with our own individual unique gifts. We all have to help each other with whatever gifts we have. I agree with this. I am willing to help, but I am not able to bear the consequences of taking help from people. When I make mistakes I cry because it proves to me that I am not capable, that I need to please people, submit myself to them, take their help. It is something I hate. But am I destined to be like this? How do others sail through life, getting things the way they want? Am I missing something?

This post is a question to anyone who reads this. Do you feel this way too? What is the solution for this? Please comment and tell me if you have an answer. If I ever get an answer to this myself, I will surely post it here for the benefit of whoever reads this. Thank you.

Escape

It was full moon. Summer. Around two in the night. The air was still. Outside the trees stood dark and still, an occasional light breeze stirring a few leaves, but you would notice it only if you were watching since a long time. 
And the longer you watched the trees, the more convinced you would get that they had life, and secrets. They knew, they understood a lot of things. But for some reason they preferred to be on their own, watching from a distance, pretending innocence. 
The moon shone into the room through the open window. She sat there at the window, her head resting on the palm of her right hand, elbow on the white marble window sill. Her left hand hand half hanging out of the window as if to catch invisible raindrops. In the silver moonlight, her skin otherwise dusky seemed pale and white. She sat like that in her room, door closed to shut her for the time being from what went on in the rest of the house. Her eyes watched the shadow of the leaves, on the ground three floors below, through the gap between her fingers. She was a girl of twelve. 
Outside her room the voices had ceased. There was no more shouting, no more noise of breaking glass, no more whining. She felt heavy. Something inside her wanted to sob bitterly, loudly, wail through the quiet neighbourhood. But she sat still. Willing the tears to come. The sob struggled up her throat but got lost somewhere on the way before it could reach her eyes. The tears wouldn’t come. 
And she continued to sit there. On the surface, her face looked calm, though her eyes glinted in the moonlight, giving away the rage that she felt within. Her eyes were now focused on the palm of her left hand. They followed the pattern of lines on it. A dark line ran down from the top left and stopped somewhere before it reached the bottom right. She couldn’t stop looking at it……………… 
Fresh red blood trickled out as she finished drawing a shallow slit over the line with a blade. She bent her palm a little to feel the pain – the thin red line was slowly dotted by small drops of blood till it was transformed into a thick uneven line and blood trickled down the side of her hand. 
At the same time, two little drops of tears trickled down the sides of her eyes as she cringed in pain. And then she wept. Softly. Once she gasped loudly for breath. But she shut her mouth with her free hand to stifle the sound. Allowing herself only to wail softly. 
For a long time she let the tears flow out noiselessly till her eyes were finally dry again — and the blood had stopped soaking the handkerchief she held against her palm. 
Then she hid away the handkerchief that she would dispose off later, pulled a blanket over herself and shut her eyes to get some sleep before another miserable day would begin.

(I have reposted this from my own blog at blogspot http://www.itsnevertheend.blogspot.com)

The Distorted Learning Curve

Today I noticed a lady at my workplace looking really tired and worn out. As general courtesy I asked her if she was all right.

“I am fine,” she replied, “just that I didn’t get to sleep much last night. I had to work on my daughter’s school project; these kids have so much to do. And I had completely forgotten that she had to submit it today..”

“You mean you made your daughter’s project report?” I asked surprised.

“Yes, these children are given a lot of project work these days; I don’t know why they give the little children such difficult work. It is such a headache for parents!” she said disapprovingly.

“But isn’t the project meant for the children. Don’t you think you should just let her work on it?” I tried to reason with her.

“But she is so little. How will she know what to do?” She asked perplexed, as if that was an answer that was understood.

“No what I meant was, let her use her head, let her try something on her own. You can help her but let her do the work. Let her work on the project at her level of understanding. It doesn’t have to be the best, but she will learn something isn’t it?” I tried again.

“Yeah, I know got what you are saying, but all other children make such wonderful projects then the teacher will give her low grades.”

“You mean their parents make wonderful projects.” I smiled and said. She smiled back. “That’s how it is dear; there is so much competition at such a young age!”

I just smiled and said nothing. I realized there was no point reasoning. The whole thing was wrong at so many levels.

What was the child learning by watching her mother complete her project for her and taking credit for it in school? The project in my opinion was well meant. It would have pushed the child to think; maybe she would have spent some time struggling over it. May be she would have come up with useless ideas or pestered her mother with lots of questions. May be this particular project would not have turned out fancy but she would certainly have used her brain a lot. Don’t these parents know that a child’s brain is still developing a lot till the age of 7. If she uses the creative part of her brain at this point, she will certainly be very creative when she grows up.

But here, all she really learnt was how to copy the best stuff off the internet and stick them together on paper, take credit and be appreciated. In fact she was not even doing that. She was just watching her mother do all the work. How would this child grow up to feel capable? She would always grope for someone to help her out when faced with a tough problem in life. She would never be able to think that she should sit and brainstorm for possible solutions, because since her childhood she has been taught that she should ask someone else to do her work when she can’t do it on her own.

But is the mother wrong. I think she is, but let us try to understand the situation from her point of view. She didn’t want her child to take a bad project report to school. Why not? May be because she didn’t want her child to feel left out when all others were submitting fancy projects. Valid. But wouldn’t the child learn from what she saw and come back and think of better ideas for her next project. Isn’t that the process of learning? Isn’t it more important that you help your child back on her feet when she falls instead of not letting her walk on her own for fear that she may fall? But the mother can still argue that the school teacher would compare and give the child low marks. Then the child would get used to getting low marks and will never strive hard to be the best. But isn’t this the root of all evil in education system? Striving for marks and not learning!!! Why should there be marks at all at this age?

And competition? While I am personally against the spirit of competition at any level, others may not agree with me, which is fine. But competition at this age? When children should be focusing on learning, understanding, improving, thinking creatively and not limiting their thought process to getting good marks?

Sadly that has become the state of child development today. Instead of helping our children become capable and confident, we teach them to live superficially. We teach them to give value to marks that are a representative of their intelligence as against learning the hard way that may fetch them low marks but will make them much more intelligent.

I think the education system must work on spontaneity. Don’t ask the children to get the work done from home. Ask them to spend more time in school and give them on the spot assignments. Let them roam freely in school and come up with ideas. Let them experiment with their color pencils and crayons and make clumsy drawings. Let them fiddle with paper, scissors and glue and try to make anything they want. Let the older students look through books in the library and search for their answers. Let them get curious, let them come to you asking for answers and wanting to learn ways of doing something. When you teach them now they will remember the lesson for life. That’s the way anyone would learn. Let the parents not worry about the child’s marks and position in the competitive world at least till the age of 11 or 12. Let the child develop his intelligence and not his stature. Once you have taken care of the intelligence I can assure anyone that the child will take care of his future. Because this child would be trained to tackle problems not by knowing all the solutions in the world, but by his ability, and more importantly, confidence of being able to find a solution when he needs it.

I wish parents and teachers understood this. I wish I could do something that would show people how important this is.

A Useful Link

Today at work I was feeling particularly lethargic and bored. I think it was because I didn’t get to have sandwich in the morning. Yeah, I love sandwiches 🙂 But when I called up the canteen fellow he told me there was no bread available 😦

Any way, so I was telling you that I was feeling really lethargic and couldn’t get myself to work. I kept browsing through the internet and entering in and out of chatrooms. If not that, I found myself trying to find stuff to eat in my bag, but I was certainly not doing my work!

As usual I was beginning to feel useless and helpless because I like being a hardworking and sincere employee, not an employee who comes to work and wastes company resources without getting anything productive done. So I was not only feeling lethargic but also guilty and helpless. I realised that I had sunk into a low mood. That’s when I decided to google, “How to get myself out of don’t feel like working mood”. (Now please don’t judge me, I know it sounds really lame. But I was really helpless. Believe me!)

And I chanced upon this really awesome link. Dave Navarro, whoever he is, seems like a very sensitive and intelligent person. He empathizes really well with people who feel like me and also gives an awesome solution that worked for me instantly. Also, it is not one of those links that are full of promises and end with an advertisement for some ebook on how you can help yourself. This guy has really given useful advice free of cost and has actually requested everyone to share the link with as many people as we can. So here I am sharing it with you 🙂

http://www.rockyourday.com/how-to-train-yourself-to-be-in-the-mood-you-want/

Hope it helps you. All the best 🙂