Escape 2

As I climbed the stairs, I became acutely aware of the fact that this was a date, not a casual networking meet where the guy flirts and I try to keep it business. I had agreed for this one to be a date and that made me feel conscious. Did I look ok, was my hairdo looking awkward. I was split into one cold and practical person who thought this was just a casual meeting with a musician who she really wanted to connect with and another person who was looking forward to a date and wanted to leave this person with good memories about her.

As he walked towards me to greet me I froze because I had to recondition myself to be warm and friendly and not cold and distant. I was expecting a quick friendly hug but he wrapped his arms around me and held me close for a second and I was pleasantly surprised by the hug and by myself. Usually hugs make me want to push away the person and build a wall that he must not cross. But this time I didn’t feel repelled at all. It didn’t feel like I must just tolerate and get past the hug for the sake of politeness.

And so that night I genuinely smiled and felt amazement at this warm and positive person who seemed to be wanting a casual emotionless relationship for fear of emotional investment. Yet his actions showed warmth, respect and a desire to have something more meaningful with someone than just physical intimacy. There was no false flattery, no manipulation or deceit nor direct comments on physical desires that I had seen so far. He seemed to have little experience with the ways of someone who wants to have a casual fling with a girl.

And so I genuinely smiled and felt positive and didn’t hold myself back. We spoke about music, he shared his story of how he learnt to play the keyboard in his childhood and when he started to feel good about it, how he learnt to play with two hands in few days’ time because he got a second chance to play in a college band after getting rejected once, his relation with his parents, things that are important to him, how he respected my decision to leave my job and take up music full time, how he thought I could improve my singing. We spoke a lot about music and we wouldn’t stop talking. There were hardly any pauses. What I didn’t realise then was I was getting quietly impressed by his determined nature, his proficiency in music, his sense of affection towards his friends and sense of responsibility towards his parents. At that point of time all I noticed was some feelings of amusement at how he kept affirming that we had spent so long talking without realising the time so it meant that we had a good date and how he was surprised by my choice of location for the date/meeting. It seemed to have overwhelmed him and his fear somehow amused me because I considered myself immune to being affected by feelings.

As we took a walk in the neighbourhood of the restaurant he asked me if he could hold my hand and I laughed. Who asks. My ex would sort of just make our hands subtly bump into each other and suddenly hold it tight. And I would get pleasantly surprised. That warm memory of holding hands was somehow very special to me and since we broke up I would pull away when someone would try to hold my hand. But my ex was no longer special and this guy had asked so politely. You don’t discourage when someone treats a girl with so much respect. I was used to people who spoke of respecting the girls in their lives yet their actions showed a sense of entitlement and dominance. The irony made me laugh though I shyly said yes.

“Why did you laugh when I asked?” He enquired as we walked side by side holding hands.
“Because you asked. I’m not used to it.” I replied simply. It was hard to go into complex explanation. It didn’t seem apt for the sweet moment we were having.

“Don’t worry. I don’t have that kind of feelings for you. I just find you physically attractive.” Despite myself, despite things being already clear between us, my heart sank. So he didn’t find me attractive as a person. As a person I could be anyone it didn’t matter to him as long as there was a possibility of physical intimacy.

“You smell good. I guess I am being upfront but this is how I am. I find you physically attractive. There was a moment there when I wanted to kiss you.”
I smiled.
“Can I? Can I kiss you?” he asked.
“No.” I said. The thought of kissing felt too much suddenly.
He didn’t protest. No expression of disappointment. No subtle attempts to guilt me into saying yes. Usually I would’ve given in to guilt and distanced myself later. That’s me. I play my part obediently in a show run by the opposite person without asking questions. And one day it gets too much and I close the book without warning. This is what I was used to. It allowed me to remain a cold unattached observer able to walk out the moment I chose to do so. But this guy was treating me with respect while simultaneously telling me that I as a person meant nothing. Why did I not protest? Why did I not speak my mind? Because I was confused about what was hurting and what was endearing. And I was afraid I would say something that would drive him away. After getting abandoned once I had carefully made sure that I would never be the one getting abandoned, I would be the bird that flies away when she chose to, not the other way round. Never the other way round.

I booked a cab and literally wanted to run away from there before I said anything to ruin the beautiful night. As I was taking leave he hugged me and yet again it felt so warm and safe. He held on a second longer and kissed my forehead. I looked at him surprised and he looked away with a slight smile that he couldn’t hide. And yet again that exposed his pure affectionate side that I found so endearing.

As the cab drove away I closed my eyes and held on to that hug and kiss for as long as I could. Because I knew from experience that it would not last forever. Did he know he had shown affection and respect to a person who had only experienced lust, deceit, force and violation? There was only one other person who had done this before and he too had changed when the break up left him with feeling only hatred and occasional longing for physical intimacy alone. Did he realise that he had stirred emotions in a heart that since then only smirked and felt disgust when men expressed their emotions for her. It was hard for him to understand. But it was getting difficult for her to dismiss him and forget. That made him dangerous. Beautiful though that night was she knew that he had opened some doors she had locked away forever and she didn’t have the freedom to just fly away when the time comes. So she had to escape now before it was too late.


Diary entry – 22nd May 2016

You probably don’t yet hate me,

You still waiting for me there,

‘coz you think I am the same girl,

The same push over who keeps coming back,

Who’s scared to leave, ‘coz she doesn’t want to be bad.


But I’m gone this time for good,

‘coz I’m tired now,

I tried to make things work,

But you just never thought it was enough,

So I’m gonna do the bad thing this time,

I am gonna just leave,

Let you deal with life alone.


I know you gave me good things,

And you lost a lot for me,

But I also know you were attached to losing,

You will never get what I mean,

Always think I am evil,

Be it, it’s good for you,

May be this way you will never miss me,

It’s never too late to learn life’s lessons,

May be this will make you stronger,

Start seeing things like a different person.


But I know I will always be the bad one,

Because I tried but I couldn’t be good to you,

It was too much for me to do,

I gotta live my own life too,

But somehow it could never happen with you.


I feel like a bad bad person leaving you,

‘coz you did what you could, it was all you understood,

But I am not in the power to save you now,

I am saving myself instead,

Hoping that you will hate me,

And move on,

But will also learn to live better,

Hoping that you will finally take what is yours,

‘coz no one else can help you really,

The game is all yours.




Diary entry – 14th may 2016 – Part 2

The best thing about keeping a diary is the honesty.

You have to pretend all the time in front of the world. Act appropriate, filter your words so that people won’t judge you, filter your words so that the truth doesn’t hurt people, act as if being emotional is creepy. Being sad is dull and boring. You have to act all cheerful and interesting and talk only if you have good things to say about a situation. Otherwise you are being negative. Talk about yourself and you are being selfish. Listen to others all the time and you are being submissive.

So easy to forget your true self, your true thoughts in the midst of all this. But keeping a diary let’s you stay in touch with your true self. No more hidden emotions that even you are no longer aware of. Whatever you pretend to be in front of the world, you are still honest with yourself. And I think that is the single most important quality that every person should have. Honesty with themselves. Acceptance of all your own flaws, your own embarrassing emotions, desires, and needs. Acceptance of  what is good about you and also what is bad about you. As you see it. Not as somebody else sees it.

Acceptance helps you see the reality of the situation and work accordingly. I have seen way too many people lying to themselves and doing things that confuse them in the long run. Because they don’t understand why they are hurting, what they are missing. They compromise with themselves, switch off that thing inside that reminds them of what they really want and pretend that they are happy with the way things are.

Yet that thing inside never stays silent. You can try your best. You can ignore and try to enjoy every day of your life. But that thing inside will call you again. If you listen to it, you will try to do the right thing. If you don’t listen and suppress it, you will not only not do the right thing, but the regret you feel for it, will always be there inside even though you have forgotten or refuse to remember why.

Peace and Happiness

I like to make life simple and restful for people. When people are in my company I like to make them comfortable and I like to make them feel good about themselves. I like it when everyone around me is smiling and happy and laughing about something. Yet people end up with jealousy, anger, deceit, hatred, hurt. I wonder why they like it. Why can’t they live and let live. I wish a life like that was possible. I will always strive for it while I live.


Some days it feels as if your life and everything else,
is just slipping
from you,
Somewhere sometime you lost something,
And you madly seek it
But it doesn’t come,
Nor do you understand what it is that you seek
You want to get away from it all
And move on
Live a healthy life
As you so deserve
But it is not easy
And you keep falling back
I want to stand steady
And walk
Because there is still so much
I wish to do
I deserve a chance
To find happiness
And to pursue
What I dream
And dreamt
I wait for it
To turn right
To materialise
And give me a chance
But I hope I manage
To do it right

I just typed down whatever words came to my mind. This was not an attempt at poetry or writing, it was just thinking of words and typing the first word or sentence that came to my mind. I kind of liked the result so I am posting it.

Questions in my mind..

I ask myself today like I have asked several times before if there is a true moving on or is it just fading out and fading in at intervals?

Will I ever live a normal life? Or will I always live my life in suspicion and mistrust? Is this the normal way to live? When people say “trust me” why do they say it so easily? How can you really know that a person who keeps your trust once will keep your trust always?

Will I always be this damaged and paranoid? Will I always feel out of touch with the people in the room and have flashbacks of past pathetic memories? Am I the only one like this? Everyone has something to be sad about, then why am I the only one like this? Is there a secret that I don’t know?

Do I think like this because I think of myself as the victim? Is that it? When I stop thinking of myself as a victim and feel strong and in control suddenly? Do we all just consider our own stories to be the most important? Do we feel the need to be considered important even if it is for a pathetic reason?

Is this all because I think a lot? Should I stop thinking?
Keep my mind blank? Is it the same as pretending my feelings don’t exist? Will I be dissociating or doing something harmful by living by the assumption that there is nothing really that I feel bad about and I should focus on my present?

Do I make a big deal about things? If so why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to do this?

Will I ever get true love? Will the man allow me the freedom I need? Will I always be in the fear of losing my freedom? Will I be able to truly love anyone? Will I be able to commit my life to another person? What is love without trust and yet am I capable of trusting? Will I be lonely and detached forever? Am I permanently damaged somehow? Or is it all just in my head? Why does it change everyday?

Does all this matter at all? Does life matter at all? Do all the rules, culture, principles and laws mean anything? Does it really matter if I am a psychopath and get pleasure by killing and torturing people? Are we really punished for our sins or blessed for our good deeds or are all these just created in our minds so that we can find meaning in life?

Is there any meaning in life? Does my existence matter?

Why should I care? Why DO I care?

Old is Gold!

Today for the last one hour I’ve been reading through my old blog posts. I realised that some of the older posts I had written (when I had just started blogging) were many times better than some of my most recent ones.

Yet, now they go unread because they were written so long ago. I am not sure if other bloggers feel the same way about their posts. But I feel really sad for my old posts, because somehow I get really attached to what I write, especially those that I had written long ago.

So now I have made a decision.

From now on, whenever I read a very good post of a particular blogger. I will look through his archives and read some of his/her oldest posts. Because if I like their present post, there is a good chance I would have liked their older posts too. That way no post goes forgotten. I am not sure about my own older posts but at least now I know how to make the other bloggers happy. May be I can start a new culture this way.

One can always hope. There is no harm in hoping! 😀

How To Deal With A Narcissist – Post #1

Do not argue with a narcissist. No no no. Just don’t bother, and don’t take the risk of arguing with a narcissist especially if you are still living with the narcissist or if he has some sort of control (financial or work related) over you.

See when you come to a point where you see the narcissist for who he is, you will start to question all his statements, claims and advice. So there are going to be many arguments. But the point is you are wasting your time. Worse still. If he is a malignant narcissist or if he is just in a bad mood, he will try to get back at you for making him lose. You see, you have just increased his insecurity and narcissists react to that by either pretending that the incident never occurred or getting revenge for what you did so that they feel again that they know better than you do.

My advice is: give the narcissist exactly what he loves to give everyone. Verbal fodder. What I mean is, if he is forcing you to do anything just agree with him verbally without really doing anything for as long as you can.

Let me explain this with an example, you told your narcissist husband (just for the records, I am not married, this is just an example) that you are learning a topic and you love the way it is explained in one book. The most obvious reaction of Mr. Narcissist would be, “I know a better book on that topic. That author is really good. You should read it; I’ll get it for you.” See? Total disregard for your good opinion about something. He doesn’t like you liking anything other than him or something that HE recommended to you.

Now what would you do in this situation? If you are anything like me, you would react by trying to defend your book. Useless verbal argument that he will quash or just ignore. Then he would actually bring this book to you the next day and you will probably obey him and read it. Well and good. But someone like me wants to finish what she has started, so I generally say, I’ll read that one when I am done with this.

Now that is where the trouble starts. You will see all sorts of obstacles when you try to read. He will try to make other plans when he knows you are planning to study or he will just come and disturb you and start talking about HIS recommended book again. Someone like my dad would even yell at you for reading such a despicable book on the topic and not respecting his experience and advice. A subtle narcissist would make fun of your book or probably hide it or destroy it when you are not watching.

So ok, those are the problems we face, but what is the solution? It’s easier than you think. Just agree to what he says. Nod your head in agreement. Show interest in the book he has recommended. Pretend to read it for a while when he is around. Then he will lose interest in the whole thing and you can continue to read and learn your way when he is not watching. Whenever he does ask you about it, throw in a few praises for the book he gave you, thank him for it, give him credit for his help and he will probably give you a few more books on the topic (which for all you know may turn out to be useful).

If you perform well in the topic and achieve something in an exam or competition, do not forget to give him credit. WHY SHOULD HE BE GIVEN CREDIT? Because for him you are just an extension of his person. So if you have an achievement where he does not have a role to play, he will not let you keep it. It makes him insecure to find that you could have an existence and success independent of him.

So in our example situation, if you get a prize and don’t give him the credit (in a convincing manner i.e. by pointing out how he helped you by giving you such wonderful books), he will let you keep the prize but he will not let you further improve and get better at that topic. He will not rest till you either lose interest in it or start to think you are not good at it. DO YOU GET ME? He cannot tolerate you having an achievement if it does not somehow translate into his achievement. So, for as long as you are under his control, agree verbally to everything he says and give him credit for any achievement or talent that you like and want to retain in your life.

I would like to quote here Law 1 of the book “48 Laws of Power” by Roberte Greene: “Never Outshine Your Master”. It says “Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity”.

So you get what I mean. Do you? I hope you do.

Of course all this advice is assuming that you plan to one day distance yourself from the narcissist and RUN for your life. Just subtly move out. Agreeing verbally to everything someone says means you are lying. It is not healthy. But it’s a necessity for surviving with the narcissist so that you can plan your escape when you are ready. See like many others, my advice will always be that you have to eventually let go of any relation with a narcissist. You have to bear in mind that you have just one good life and if you leave it in his (or her) hands, he will use it as his toy and then take you along with him to doom. Your purpose in life would basically be self-sacrifice for his amusement, satisfaction or betterment, with no independent identity for you.

Since it is a bit related, I would add one more thing here. As far as possible, never let a narcissist know of your weaknesses, your innermost desires or anything that is very important to you. Why? Because a narcissist is conditioned to pull strings and he will certainly manipulate you by giving you the hope of helping you fulfil your dreams and desires.

And why not let him know if an object or person is very important to you? Because if he knows, he will destroy it. Nothing should be more important for you than HE HIMSELF (or herself as the case may be). If you are already in this situation, try to solve it by giving him some credit in it, if it is possible. If somehow you can convince him that it is his gift and reminds you of him somehow then you may have a chance. But if you are not convincing enough he may still retain the insecurity, so it’s not easy.

For months I was trying to find a good article on how to deal with a narcissistic parent when you are forced to live with him and need to manage for some time, but couldn’t find one. Then in the last few days as I was dealing with my own issues I suddenly had the answer . So here is my first post on how to deal with a narcissist. Many more will come in time.

To all those who are suffering terribly under the control of a Malignant Narcissist, you may find insightful observations and useful tips from the experience of this awesome blogger:

Update: When I say “agree with him verbally without really doing anything for as long as you can” I also must ask you to be careful. If they find out that you are deceiving them this way they will be enraged. So you must be careful about what you do secretly and how well you hide your deliberate avoidance from them. If caught I would recommend you pretend that you tried but could not succeed in following their directions instead of rebelling as you would be tempted to do.


Never lose sight of your goal. NEVER EVER. Never let go of your dreams.

If your goal seems impossible to achieve, it means you are not willing to try hard enough. IF you have a goal THEN you need to make a PLAN to achieve that goal. Things may not always work out according to that plan, that’s OK. We can always tweak the plan because the plan is not important. Our goal, our VISION of where we want to reach in life IS important.  

Whatever path we take, whether it is long or short, whether it is straightforward or twisted, CAN always lead to your goal. Perhaps the long and twisted path will let you pick up along the way something that will make it easier for you to face the HARDER problems you are going to face when you are CLOSER to your goal. The reasons why you needed to take that twisted path will all be clear then. For now don’t question, just take whatever you get along the way, and keep thinking how you can use what you HAVE to reach where you want to BE.

What you really need is the FAITH in yourself, the faith that YOU will never give up. Because if YOU don’t give up, if you KEEP TRYING again and again and again AND again, you will surely succeed. LUCK can run out ONCE, luck can run out TWICE. But luck DOES NOT run out every time. Only the person who is truly passionate for his dreams to come true WILL have the patience to wait for the one time that luck WILL work in his favour. He is ready to take any test, even if it means waiting in agonizing uncertainty. Because he BELIEVES that the present situation may be uncertain but his GOAL is still important to him and he KNOWS he is going to get there some day ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.          

Nothing can come between you and your dreams. Nothing really. People who tell you that you cannot achieve your dreams are SHORT SIGHTED. But you must keep your vision far ALWAYS. Remember if your dream, you goal means something to you, then your every action, every step, every decision should be taken with an eye on your goal. ALWAYS. What you are doing today may not seem in any way related to what you wish to do in future. But if you stop in your tracks for this reason, you will never reach the destination. Keep walking; keep doing your best in whatever you do. Sometime in your life you will see how it all fits in the bigger picture. Each and every thing you did in life, each and every event, each and every person left something behind for you to use to achieve your goal. It is up to you whether you get stuck or you take what you were given and try to find ways of using it to move closer to your goal.

If your dream really means so much to you, then be willing to face every set back you face on your way. Haven’t we all heard the saying “When life throws lemons at you make lemonade”. Those are only WORDS if you like it that way or they can be the story of YOUR LIFE if you wish to make it that. It is all in YOUR hands.