I am addicted. To a person. I crave his voice, long for his phone calls, feel his hugs, co-dependence at it’s best. I dream of living a life dedicated to him, forgetting all of my own dreams and just doing my best to make his dreams come true.
I know this won’t happen. I also know that this SHOULDN’T happen. That’s why I push him away as much as I miss him. I know he’ll be my end if I let him consume me. He feels it. He gets affected when I pull away. He enjoys the attention and admiration. He knows he has a control over me at times. He also feels it when he loses the control. I affect him. I like the fact that I affect him and he is unaware of this situation. He doesn’t understand our chemistry as well as I do. But I can see my father in him, and parts of past abusers.
I know he is a repeating pattern. Yet I can’t stop myself. He is not an abuser. Atleast not intentionally. He doesn’t realise how his actions hurt. He rationalises them, believes he does it for my good. Just like my dad would say.
I am making excuses for him. Because I feel fond of him. Deep down though I know that I am playing with fire here and if I succumb, I fear I am going to let it consume me.
Some say we are nothing but tiny dots like any other rock or sand particle. One day we will cease to exist and just become one of those rocks again. Others prefer the more mysterious “the universe exists for us and events in the universe are connected to events in our life” theory. You cannot deny that everything about us, our brain, our society, the things that drive people to do great things, makes you suspect that there is more to us than we are able to see or understand with our limited abilities.
I like to believe this. That we are more than we understand, and an important part of universe. I also believe that when we die our understanding will expand and we will see things very differently from how we see it now. But I am not sure I understand why we put ourselves in this situation of narrow point of view.
Most of my understanding of life comes from experience and observation. I don’t think I ever had an “I just know it” moment. But I have noticed that some people are just wise. As if they are born with it. And I wonder how that happens. Did they have experiences in their past life that made them wiser and they just know that to win at this life they have to remember that wisdom. Is it like a game we keep playing till we get everything right? Or is this a very human way of thinking? I for one get obsessed with redoing and rectifying till I get the process right. That I could never manage to actually get it right in the second, third , fourth , millionth attempt is a different point. I mean every time I think I know the answer, and I will get it right this time, life throws a different variable into the equation. And I almost always get that part wrong. So do experiences really make you wiser. Or is there something else here that I am missing? Some Zen level understanding of everything without actually having to go through an experience. Some access to collective wisdom?
I see myself as someone who can produce written content very easily. And with that end in mind, I am planning to have more extempore writing in my life. I see many hurdles here in making this a reality. Unpredictable and busy schedules, volatile moods, etc etc. But I think this needs to be a part of my identity. What I do every day. Write on a topic. Any topic. I can expand this later to include a poem or news comment or something like that. Just to extract more benefit out of the routine. But for now it is a preparation-less writing. To keep that outlet of expression open and active. I don’t want to discover later that lack of use has made it impossible to get anything useful out of my writing without getting a tonne of junk along with it.
I bought one more book on my flight back from Chandigarh. For the thousandth time, I bought a book that I would never read again later. Can you blame me. The book called “Reflections” is a compilation of Swami Vivekananda’s speeches, both speeches by him or about him. But I didn’t finish the book, so don’t take my word for it. It’s a difficult read.
Reading is a bed time activity for me. Yet somehow I fall asleep more with my phone than with my book. That needs to change.
So yes this writing exercise, is around the idea that I attract more situations in my life that revolve around how I see myself. Do I see myself as someone who can write easily. Then I will be presented with more opportunity for writing. Same with singing. When someone asks me to sing a song I feel unprepared and unpractised. Also right now I have very less singing videos online. (You can check it here https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGZlBikGn-b1oh1Q6oMFD0A?view_as=subscriber).
But the reason for this is, I feel I have to prepare a lot before posting each video. I want to be someone who can sing off some song every day on demand. So I plan to make videos every day where I sing a song that comes easily to me. That way I’ll slowly have an identity of someone who can sing a song easily.
Of course this means that the quality of my content may seem to suffer in the beginning. But I think it’ll catch up in time. Also I can always keep deleting content.
Keep going even though it seems dark. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You just owe it to yourself to complete what you have already started. Don’t give up just yet!
Caused by his walking in and leaving
The hope that rose in her heart and got quashed once again
As if life is attempting just that
Take the hope out once and for all from her heart
Hurt her so much that she dare not hope
She must give in to fate
and say whatever you say
You lead the way
But she’s stronger than fate knows
She can wait
She can live with the pain
She refuses to give up on this dream
As she never ever gave up on any dream
May be he’s not the one
May be she is going to have her heart broken countless times
And cry in pain
but she will never give up and give in
She will learn to be stronger still.
Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.
You were the last straw
It’s too much of a responsibility for you I know
Being told that
You were just looking for a day’s fun
But I was letting myself get swayed by your pretence
Foolish though it was
That hidden part of me that still had hope
Peeking through half closed doors
One last time
But now that door is shut
That last time was enough confirmation
That it need not resurface ever in this life time
This is what life has planned for me
The sooner I accept the sooner I can begin
To love myself
To gift myself with what delights me
To take myself out on a date and be happy
To be my own companion
I hope this relationship lasts.
I have been fascinated for a while with the concept of deep focus. Giving your 100% to a work, without distractions. Completely isolating yourself. And then I met a guy who does exactly this. That was enough motivation for me to finally try it.
I lasted half a day. Then suddenly I crashed. Pinged all my friends, watched three episodes of a movie series, ordered junk food. Then started going back into depression. It was good till I crashed. I was working on things with focus. But towards the end I started questioning my work, why was i working hard? For what?
I know why I am working hard. For success. To become really good at what I do. But still there is some factor missing in the motivation.
You broke my heart
Like no one ever did before
I didn’t know you well
Yet I thought i’d be safe with you
Must be something about how you spoke
But you threw me away
you treated me in a way
That i would never want any guy to touch me ever again
Because i realised that displays of affection, those smiles,
that feeling of connecting over something that’s important to us both
were nothing but ruses
meant to pave a path for you
to treat me like dirt, momentary relief
whatever I may want to believe
this is all i’ll ever mean to a guy