Rays of light

There was nothing unusual about this morning. Yet this morning felt different. As she stood on the balcony looking outside, she felt the cool breeze move her gently as if it wanted to play with her hair.

And today she wanted to smile back and play. She was happy without reason. And she liked that feeling the most. And she thought about her husband and family. Her children sitting with her and listening to her as she moulded them with love. She thought about the songs she would sing and touch people’s hearts. She thought how people had come to acknowledge that she sang songs that were not popular yet so uniquely different and moving. That they came to her to listen because they couldn’t find this anywhere else. She thought about her prayers and how today all of it had been answered. Standing here, she loved listening to her own voice, she had prayed for the purity of each note and she had been blessed with it. Today she could sing about joy and hope and love and trust and safety. And she could invoke in each listener that soothing yet intriguing feeling that made them want to enjoy nature and love the people around them unconditionally. And today she could be a catalyst in that. 

Just a diary entry

The best stories come from a place of honesty. That’s why it’s easier to write a good story than narrate a good story. Because you cannot be as honest when you are talking. Atleast I cannot.

I am feeling especially angry today, may be because I realised yesterday that I have friends with whom I can have fun, but I don’t have real friends. No friend who will listen to my boring shit, my practice routine, my stories of what makes me want to go on, my past and why it affects the decisions i take in the present. A friend would be someone who would listen to it all when I speak and be interested. Because he / she is interested in getting to know me. It’s funny how people are not interested in the real deal.

And yet I find that hard to believe. May be my stories are not inspiring yet because they don’t have a successful ending. But when it does have a successful ending I will have many friends admiring my stories. But they also won’t be real. Aren’t friends supposed to be people who stick with you when no one else believes in you?

What was the point of it?

I lost all this time in my childhood when I was struggling with many things. And now that I am finally free, I still feel that others have an upper hand. And somewhere I keep wondering what advantage must I have gained by what I went through in my past. If I lost out on precious time, I must have gained something. Wisdom? Empathy? I don’t know what it is. But I find myself desperately holding on to my past for this reason. Trying to search for some unique quality I may have gained by my time spent on it. Because while others were busy honing their talents, I was busy overcoming struggles. So that seems like my talent?

That doesn’t mean my share of struggles have come down now. Far from it, my struggles have caused unhealthy behaviours in me that still make me more susceptible to struggling more in life. Unfair isn’t it?

Perhaps one way is to switch off expectations. Let each moment, both good and and bad happen as an experience. And keep watching my own life like a TV show. Because it probably isn’t getting better by a huge degree. Or maybe I’ll manage to make one or two changes that will bring some shifts towards good. But it will always be unfair. There will always be others who got a better start, as there will be others who got a worse start.

So here’s to smiling every moment and experiencing it without feeling disheartened.

Art

I think the first time I wrote something good was when I was reading and searching for something that would help me ease how I felt inside. Something that expressed what I felt. And when that didn’t happen I wrote it myself.

Perhaps creating art is not a straightforward journey of learning a skill. It is a journey of appreciating and finding life in other people’s art and then living your life. Talking to people, getting your heart broken, feeling joy, feeling pain. Allowing yourself to feel and deal with extreme emotions through art and then one day that emotion will express itself through whatever art it is you are using to deal with your emotion.

May be. It’s just a thought.

Facing and fighting

These are some very difficult days. The temptation to get netflix or amazon prime is also high, because I would love those hours of distraction when I would be taken to a new world. But I have been avoiding this temptation. Whatever this feeling is, I don’t want to distract myself from it. I want to face it head-on, deal with whatever emotion or unhealthy behaviour is going to surface in this time and turn myself into a better person.

Having said that, I also realised today that I may have been getting too hard on myself. It’s alright if I miss out on few things during this time. This is not about winning some championship. The lockdown is harsh in many ways – I cannot outsource cooking / cleaning / washing, I have to deal with more documentation work in office (the kind of work I hate but I need to still feel grateful for), and then there is all this practice that I have always wanted to do. it’s ok to skip one thing out of all this every day though. I don’t think it’s possible to do everything everyday.

I wish I journaled everyday though. It will really help me to stay in touch with my emotions.

How to get what you want.

Instead of running behind something you want, try and make the best of what’s there in your present. May be you badly want Job B, but first do Job A really well. There is no way to Job B through escaping Job A. First be the best at wherever you are. And do whatever little you get of Job B like it’s gold. This is something I have been working on lately. To do whatever’s on my plate with utmost dedication. It’s not easy to do this. But prayer helps. Gives me the emotional strength to put this into practice.

I must sound crazy for putting “how to get what you want” in the title like I am some life guru. But I believe this is the secret to getting what we want from life. We chase some esoteric or complicated solutions. In the process, we sometimes forget the present and I believe the universe knows what we want and builds the way to it, if only we focus on giving our best to the present moment.

Patterns

I am addicted. To a person. I crave his voice, long for his phone calls, feel his hugs, co-dependence at it’s best. I dream of living a life dedicated to him, forgetting all of my own dreams and just doing my best to make his dreams come true.

I know this won’t happen. I also know that this SHOULDN’T happen. That’s why I push him away as much as I miss him. I know he’ll be my end if I let him consume me. He feels it. He gets affected when I pull away. He enjoys the attention and admiration. He knows he has a control over me at times. He also feels it when he loses the control. I affect him. I like the fact that I affect him and he is unaware of this situation. He doesn’t understand our chemistry as well as I do. But I can see my father in him, and parts of past abusers.

I know he is a repeating pattern. Yet I can’t stop myself. He is not an abuser. Atleast not intentionally. He doesn’t realise how his actions hurt. He rationalises them, believes he does it for my good. Just like my dad would say.

I am making excuses for him. Because I feel fond of him. Deep down though I know that I am playing with fire here and if I succumb, I fear I am going to let it consume me. 

Wisdom

Some say we are nothing but tiny dots like any other rock or sand particle. One day we will cease to exist and just become one of those rocks again. Others prefer the more mysterious “the universe exists for us and events in the universe are connected to events in our life” theory. You cannot deny that everything about us, our brain, our society, the things that drive people to do great things, makes you suspect that there is more to us than we are able to see or understand with our limited abilities.

I like to believe this. That we are more than we understand, and an important part of universe. I also believe that when we die our understanding will expand and we will see things very differently from how we see it now. But I am not sure I understand why we put ourselves in this situation of narrow point of view.

Most of my understanding of life comes from experience and observation. I don’t think I ever had an “I just know it” moment. But I have noticed that some people are just wise. As if they are born with it. And I wonder how that happens. Did they have experiences in their past life that made them wiser and they just know that to win at this life they have to remember that wisdom. Is it like a game we keep playing till we get everything right? Or is this a very human way of thinking? I for one get obsessed with redoing and rectifying till I get the process right. That I could never manage to actually get it right in the second, third , fourth , millionth attempt is a different point. I mean every time I think I know the answer, and I will get it right this time, life throws a different variable into the equation. And I almost always get that part wrong. So do experiences really make you wiser. Or is there something else here that I am missing? Some Zen level understanding of everything without actually having to go through an experience. Some access to collective wisdom?

Power of identity

I see myself as someone who can produce written content very easily. And with that end in mind, I am planning to have more extempore writing in my life. I see many hurdles here in making this a reality. Unpredictable and busy schedules, volatile moods, etc etc. But I think this needs to be a part of my identity. What I do every day. Write on a topic. Any topic. I can expand this later to include a poem or news comment or something like that. Just to extract more benefit out of the routine. But for now it is a preparation-less writing. To keep that outlet of expression open and active. I don’t want to discover later that lack of use has made it impossible to get anything useful out of my writing without getting a tonne of junk along with it.

I bought one more book on my flight back from Chandigarh. For the thousandth time, I bought a book that I would never read again later. Can you blame me. The book called “Reflections” is a compilation of Swami Vivekananda’s speeches, both speeches by him or about him. But I didn’t finish the book, so don’t take my word for it. It’s a difficult read.

Reading is a bed time activity for me. Yet somehow I fall asleep more with my phone than with my book. That needs to change.

So yes this writing exercise, is around the idea that I attract more situations in my life that revolve around how I see myself. Do I see myself as someone who can write easily. Then I will be presented with more opportunity for writing. Same with singing. When someone asks me to sing a song I feel unprepared and unpractised. Also right now I have very less singing videos online. (You can check it here https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGZlBikGn-b1oh1Q6oMFD0A?view_as=subscriber).

But the reason for this is, I feel I have to prepare a lot before posting each video. I want to be someone who can sing off some song every day on demand. So I plan to make videos every day where I sing a song that comes easily to me. That way I’ll slowly have an identity of someone who can sing a song easily.

Of course this means that the quality of my content may seem to suffer in the beginning. But I think it’ll catch up in time. Also I can always keep deleting content.