Patterns

I am addicted. To a person. I crave his voice, long for his phone calls, feel his hugs, co-dependence at it’s best. I dream of living a life dedicated to him, forgetting all of my own dreams and just doing my best to make his dreams come true.

I know this won’t happen. I also know that this SHOULDN’T happen. That’s why I push him away as much as I miss him. I know he’ll be my end if I let him consume me. He feels it. He gets affected when I pull away. He enjoys the attention and admiration. He knows he has a control over me at times. He also feels it when he loses the control. I affect him. I like the fact that I affect him and he is unaware of this situation. He doesn’t understand our chemistry as well as I do. But I can see my father in him, and parts of past abusers.

I know he is a repeating pattern. Yet I can’t stop myself. He is not an abuser. Atleast not intentionally. He doesn’t realise how his actions hurt. He rationalises them, believes he does it for my good. Just like my dad would say.

I am making excuses for him. Because I feel fond of him. Deep down though I know that I am playing with fire here and if I succumb, I fear I am going to let it consume me. 

Stronger Still..

The restlessness
The anguish
Caused by his walking in and leaving
The hope that rose in her heart and got quashed once again
As if life is attempting just that
Take the hope out once and for all from her heart
Hurt her so much that she dare not hope
She must give in to fate
and say whatever you say
You lead the way
But she’s stronger than fate knows
She can wait
She can live with the pain
She refuses to give up on this dream
As she never ever gave up on any dream
May be he’s not the one
May be she is going to have her heart broken countless times
And cry in pain
but she will never give up and give in
She will learn to be stronger still.

My Fort Is My Heaven.

Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
Is love
nothing else
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
anymore no
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.

Perspective

What makes me unique? Despite everything? I don’t give up and I have love in my heart for music. And I am living in misery, some of which I created myself. Yet everyday I drag myself. And if I ever have a family, and if I ever make it to the top, I’ll have the strength. May be. Or may be I need some friends. May be friends are important. They are the anchor that keeps you from drowning. Family is important. When you have an unsupportive family, you will definitely be weak.

So no. I am not strong. Determined yes. But I WILL break down easily. Struggle has not made me stronger. But perhaps it has made me wiser. And I could write a story. May be it has made me kinder. When i do have friends and family, may be I will value them.

May be this is necessary for art. To have a life that’s different. To feel pain and be able to write and sing about it. But I have lost the ability to empathise. I am so lost in my own pain. May be combine my pain with empathy and may be I can write stories. May be if I could view my own life as a story. And be a viewer. May be then I would be able to see. May be then I can step into shoes. Become a completely different person. May be then I would jump quickly from one experience to another, instead of being stuck on one for days even after it’s over.

May be that’s what is missing. Perspective. The ability to view my life as a story.

Last straw

You were the last straw
It’s too much of a responsibility for you I know
Being told that
You were just looking for a day’s fun
But I was letting myself get swayed by your pretence
Foolish though it was
That hidden part of me that still had hope
Peeking through half closed doors
One last time
But now that door is shut
That last time was enough confirmation
That it need not resurface ever in this life time
This is what life has planned for me
The sooner I accept the sooner I can begin
To love myself
To gift myself with what delights me
To take myself out on a date and be happy
To be my own companion
I hope this relationship lasts.

Dirt

You broke my heart
Like no one ever did before
I didn’t know you well
Yet I thought i’d be safe with you
My mistake
Must be something about how you spoke
Your charms

But you threw me away
like dirt
you treated me in a way
That i would never want any guy to touch me ever again

Because i realised that displays of affection, those smiles,
that feeling of connecting over something that’s important to us both
were nothing but ruses
meant to pave a path for you
to treat me like dirt, momentary relief

nothing else
nothing more
whatever I may want to believe
this is all i’ll ever mean to a guy
Dirt

Moving on

You and I we both know that things have changed
The people we were in the past, we are not the same
The faces and names are cues to memories we hold dear
But the reality is, those people are no longer here
Life shaped us in different ways when we moved apart
There are no regrets now just a suspended emotion
An acknowledgement , that our paths once crossed

Saying NO

We have to say no. Have to say no several times. To parties, to people that only waste your time, to “opportunities” that’ll only keep you stuck doing things you don’t enjoy. And it seems as if you are missing out on something great because who would possibly say no right? But it’s almost as if the universe tempts you to fail. The moment you get resolved to do something it’ll present you with temptations. But if your resolve is strong you will say no. Otherwise you are fickle. And the fickle minded keep bouncing around reacting to people around them and blaming circumstances.

I’m back!

I’m back!
Not that I had gone anywhere. But I’m back from feeling like I need a guy in life to replace some void created by another. I’m back from suddenly becoming a person who was seeking love and validation outside. And I’m now no longer a person who attaches her identity to being a victim of bad parenting and sexual assault. I am now a proud person.

I love how I changed my life, took it on a path that others can only dream of and after all the uncertainty I am now stable on this path. I’m proud of being a person who is not stuck to social norms and has carved her own path through all sorts of obstacles. I can see myself achieving my dreams very soon. All of them. One by one. So no more going after people who only cheated me or used me or treated me like I meant nothing more than someone to fulfill their needs. I suddenly don’t even care enough to be hurt by them. I just have better, more important things to do. And only those who value this about me may stay. Others are free to leave as they can cause me no good.