Wisdom

Some say we are nothing but tiny dots like any other rock or sand particle. One day we will cease to exist and just become one of those rocks again. Others prefer the more mysterious “the universe exists for us and events in the universe are connected to events in our life” theory. You cannot deny that everything about us, our brain, our society, the things that drive people to do great things, makes you suspect that there is more to us than we are able to see or understand with our limited abilities.

I like to believe this. That we are more than we understand, and an important part of universe. I also believe that when we die our understanding will expand and we will see things very differently from how we see it now. But I am not sure I understand why we put ourselves in this situation of narrow point of view.

Most of my understanding of life comes from experience and observation. I don’t think I ever had an “I just know it” moment. But I have noticed that some people are just wise. As if they are born with it. And I wonder how that happens. Did they have experiences in their past life that made them wiser and they just know that to win at this life they have to remember that wisdom. Is it like a game we keep playing till we get everything right? Or is this a very human way of thinking? I for one get obsessed with redoing and rectifying till I get the process right. That I could never manage to actually get it right in the second, third , fourth , millionth attempt is a different point. I mean every time I think I know the answer, and I will get it right this time, life throws a different variable into the equation. And I almost always get that part wrong. So do experiences really make you wiser. Or is there something else here that I am missing? Some Zen level understanding of everything without actually having to go through an experience. Some access to collective wisdom?

Moving on

You and I we both know that things have changed
The people we were in the past, we are not the same
The faces and names are cues to memories we hold dear
But the reality is, those people are no longer here
Life shaped us in different ways when we moved apart
There are no regrets now just a suspended emotion
An acknowledgement , that our paths once crossed

Saying NO

We have to say no. Have to say no several times. To parties, to people that only waste your time, to “opportunities” that’ll only keep you stuck doing things you don’t enjoy. And it seems as if you are missing out on something great because who would possibly say no right? But it’s almost as if the universe tempts you to fail. The moment you get resolved to do something it’ll present you with temptations. But if your resolve is strong you will say no. Otherwise you are fickle. And the fickle minded keep bouncing around reacting to people around them and blaming circumstances.

Strangers

I’m starting to feel disconnected from every body from my past. Even talking to my sister has started to feel like talking to a stranger. I wonder sometimes why i talk to my parents. I hardly know them and feel zero attachment to them. And when I think about this I wonder who I feel any attachment to. When I was a kid, there used to be some friend or some guy I liked that I would feel attached to. I would take comfort in having them around. But I think that was a different me, I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t think I have any single person to whom I am attached to in a way that I would feel warmth or want to stay in touch. Everything is so transient. Tomorrow none of these people are going to be around and I will remember them just like I remember my sister or parents like people I know from a movie I watched long back. And this is not sad to me, this is just strange, very strange.

I’m back!

I’m back!
Not that I had gone anywhere. But I’m back from feeling like I need a guy in life to replace some void created by another. I’m back from suddenly becoming a person who was seeking love and validation outside. And I’m now no longer a person who attaches her identity to being a victim of bad parenting and sexual assault. I am now a proud person.

I love how I changed my life, took it on a path that others can only dream of and after all the uncertainty I am now stable on this path. I’m proud of being a person who is not stuck to social norms and has carved her own path through all sorts of obstacles. I can see myself achieving my dreams very soon. All of them. One by one. So no more going after people who only cheated me or used me or treated me like I meant nothing more than someone to fulfill their needs. I suddenly don’t even care enough to be hurt by them. I just have better, more important things to do. And only those who value this about me may stay. Others are free to leave as they can cause me no good.

Because she might fall…

Calm moments…
when you are trying to get a hold over your life and thoughts
and suddenly
out of nowhere
a realisation of reality comes to you and you are hit
by this wave of overpowering emotion
that makes your legs weak and your body tremble.
You shut your eyes tight and clutch yourself.
Because the only other alternative is to scream loudly and run away
to no place.
Because there is absolutely no one you know who can help you with this.
Because you can’t explain the extent of helplessness.
Because you are alone in your fall
and you are doing something that is your only shot
at making your life work and if anything goes wrong ,
you no longer have any alternate plans
there is no loved one out there who actually knows how deep in shit you actually are

and despite all this there is a child in you who doesn’t give a fuck and just wants to while the time away,
not care about bills or security or future.
Just do what she stubbornly wants to do

and then you look around and there’s no one else like you.
Everyone seems sorted.
Pretty girls with time to groom and chirp around
and people who are going around travelling and having fun and reading books
and doing regular jobs with a career plan
and going out for dinner with their gang or boyfriends or girlfriends
and knowing what’s coming next
and knowing how to love without screwing up or getting screwed…
not having to lie about themselves to anyone…
living a life where they know they always have a loved one to go and hold when things seem scary.

I don’t know.
May be this is an illusion.
May be no one really has that sense of security and instead of comforting me this thought scares me more
because that means this is how life is always going to be
and i don’t seem to be handling this well…
so does that mean that something is wrong with me mentally?
that it’s not my life after all..the one that’s screwed up is me…?

The never ending loop

Feeling good for nothing.
Depression.
Mood swings.
Making each day work.
Sticking to the plan.
Not sticking to the plan.
Feeling everything tumbling down.
Getting a grip and making a new plan.
Sticking to new plan.
False hopes.
Stumbling over an unseen problem.
Falling sick.
Stop Following plan.
Lose your grip.
Realise how much time you have spent and how much you have really achieved.
Getting up and trying again any way because you have no choice.
Calling it brave.
Telling yourself that you finally have it figured out.
Depression strikes yet again.
Chuck everything try to reset things.
Realise that it’s too late.
Go back to square one.
Make a plan.
And the cycle continues.

I am really stuck in this loop. But if there is anything that MBA has taught me, it is that at first nailing the project seemed like an impossible task to everyone. But those who stuck on and kept working on it without giving up somehow did nail it. And I was always one of those who got intimidated, who felt this was impossible to do. The solution always seems simple when someone gives it to you.

But what I learnt was that not giving up and consistently trying something was the way to go. A solution has to come out.

And so I shall go back to my never ending loop with this one ray of hope that may be not giving up will somehow magically give a solution. May be.

Negativity talking..

So here’s an update for all those who were following my blog from the start. In case you still read my posts, I got through with my goal of completing my MBA and finding a job away from home. I was finally financially independent as I had always wanted to be. But I couldn’t really get myself to work as a manager. My heart was always on pursuing the things I am really passionate about – music, psychology, working against child abuse. If any of my old followers are still reading, you know how much these things meant to me.

I finally got the opportunity to start working on my music passion. And I guess I got too involved with it. Too carried away. I don’t know. I just couldn’t see myself struggling to work in corporate anymore. I just didn’t belong in the position that I was holding in my previous company. Didn’t feel I could do justice to my job. On the other hand I was doing fairly well as a singer. Not financially. I was not earning anything, but I was having progress, I knew that this was one place where I could contribute. I truly had some potential here even though I was not qualified.

So eventually I quit my job. Thought that somehow I would find a way of earning through music itself, because I wanted to be genuine. I didn’t want to be that fake MBA person that was just wasting the time of the company because they needed money to pay off their loans. So I tried to take the honest path. I told myself, I am being honest so a path will open up. Because that’s what I believed. That if we are true to ourselves and if we have the courage then somehow we will find a way to make it work.

But as on today, I feel stuck. I don’t think music can start earning so soon. I need to give it more time.

Just remembering how I used to write motivating posts on how every small step matters and how one must never give up on their dreams. Keep trying, keep working, one step at a time. It made sense then because saying that gave me hope. But I don’t know what I would say to that young girl who wrote all that. Is the future really bright? Is their truly an escape?

Or do we really come with a destiny? May be not all are destined to find happiness and the better thing to do is to just resign to fate? May be I should never have dreamt of a better life, may be I should’ve stuck to the job where I could at least contributed something. May be I should’ve stayed with my parents and accepted that freedom and pursuit of happiness was not in my destiny? But I did, I made the choice of getting into a field not meant for me, just so that I could escape from home. And I guess I was wrong, it was not an escape. May be once we started going downhill, once one thing goes wrong and we stumble, may be we just keep tumbling and falling and getting weak and eventually have the big fall?

I don’t know. This is not a hopeful or positive or motivating blog post. This is just a honest, very honest thought flow that is probably good for nothing, just like the writer of this post..

Random musings

Very often we try to fit ourselves into moulds to get accepted in a situation but then we are competing against 100 others who are doing the same thing and are better at it than us. Instead why not be ourselves. Do what we are good at and what we like doing. Then automatically our best efforts will flow and we will naturally be the best with lesser competition. Not to forget that we would be happier in life. Yet we often forget this and keep trying to compete. 

We were sent on earth as unique personalities. If each of us will work on our uniqueness, together we could make a rich, more interesting society. Yet we want to compete and be like someone else. In the process society loses what could have been our unique contribution. 

I see people doing this to themselves and their children and it’s really sad. I wish people would learn to honor their gifts and those of others and not lose them in the dry rat race. 

I know this thought has been expressed many times now. But today somehow I’m thinking more deeply about this 😛