The hurt of disappointment is sinking in. Disappointment from rejection – from the man i have had feelings for for the last three years and rejection from my instagram followers. Petty though that sounds, it hurts to not be liked. And well it is what it is. And I have been dodging the feeling of disappointment since yesterday. I know it’s going to hit but i wish it would just be gentler this time, now that we have experienced it so often.
In my sleep I think about how I would call him in my darkest moment and he would be there for me. But I am not able to take that story further. I can’t imagine him knowing how to care for me. and sometimes I imagine scenarios where he’s in a hospital and I finally bare my true feelings and rush to be there for him without caring about rejection. And he just gets better by my presence and realises what i mean to him. Perhaps i have watched too many dramatic movies? Perhaps I worry about his health and that translates to this. Nevertheless, even that scenario ends with him hugging me and me disappearing again because i know he won’t want me around the next day. And the few scenarios where he does want me, I still don’t know what comes next.
We know how to be passionate lovers in bed for a day. But what about living together? Can we do that part passionately? Can we bear with each other’s eccentricities? Can we stay in each other’s presence without feeling suffocated or bored or compelled to change?
That’s not the same as passionate love then. I don’t know. One needs passion and one needs a stable companion. Can the same person be both?
I wish I knew the answer to this. Or may be i am just made to be that crazy explorer who keeps searching for something that she may never find. Ah. That would be too sad. I hope that’s not how my story ends.
itsnevertheend 