I lost all this time in my childhood when I was struggling with many things. And now that I am finally free, I still feel that others have an upper hand. And somewhere I keep wondering what advantage must I have gained by what I went through in my past. If I lost out on precious time, I must have gained something. Wisdom? Empathy? I don’t know what it is. But I find myself desperately holding on to my past for this reason. Trying to search for some unique quality I may have gained by my time spent on it. Because while others were busy honing their talents, I was busy overcoming struggles. So that seems like my talent?
That doesn’t mean my share of struggles have come down now. Far from it, my struggles have caused unhealthy behaviours in me that still make me more susceptible to struggling more in life. Unfair isn’t it?
Perhaps one way is to switch off expectations. Let each moment, both good and and bad happen as an experience. And keep watching my own life like a TV show. Because it probably isn’t getting better by a huge degree. Or maybe I’ll manage to make one or two changes that will bring some shifts towards good. But it will always be unfair. There will always be others who got a better start, as there will be others who got a worse start.
So here’s to smiling every moment and experiencing it without feeling disheartened.
What makes me unique? Despite everything? I don’t give up and I have love in my heart for music. And I am living in misery, some of which I created myself. Yet everyday I drag myself. And if I ever have a family, and if I ever make it to the top, I’ll have the strength. May be. Or may be I need some friends. May be friends are important. They are the anchor that keeps you from drowning. Family is important. When you have an unsupportive family, you will definitely be weak.
So no. I am not strong. Determined yes. But I WILL break down easily. Struggle has not made me stronger. But perhaps it has made me wiser. And I could write a story. May be it has made me kinder. When i do have friends and family, may be I will value them.
May be this is necessary for art. To have a life that’s different. To feel pain and be able to write and sing about it. But I have lost the ability to empathise. I am so lost in my own pain. May be combine my pain with empathy and may be I can write stories. May be if I could view my own life as a story. And be a viewer. May be then I would be able to see. May be then I can step into shoes. Become a completely different person. May be then I would jump quickly from one experience to another, instead of being stuck on one for days even after it’s over.
May be that’s what is missing. Perspective. The ability to view my life as a story.
Sometimes you just can’t make sense of why some things happen in your life. Why meet someone who touches your heart only to be tossed aside like you mean nothing to them. Why should we go through more pain when there is already an endless supply of it and all you are looking for is some respite from it.
I usually know. I understand why something happens and how I must make sense of it. But today I am blank. I don’t understand why I must keep going through hurt from family, from friends and now even from people I just met. How careful can one be.
I refuse to meet anyone now. I refuse to try to do anything at all. I want peace. That is all i demand. Peace of mind. All I ask is to get some space away from all the people shouting their expectations at me. I want to stop listening to anyone and I want to stop caring about how my actions hurt anyone. Clearly, others don’t care how their actions hurt me.
I am today questioning again why I must live. Not because my life is devoid of passion but because I am devoid of any will to continue this struggle.
I want that one solution that will help me to bring peace in my existence. So I can quietly focus all my energies on music, without being distracted by pointless pain. Please give me no more drama. Please instead give me strength and mental peace to look after myself alone.