Lost

Some days it feels as if your life and everything else,
is just slipping
away
from you,
Somewhere sometime you lost something,
And you madly seek it
But it doesn’t come,
Nor do you understand what it is that you seek
You want to get away from it all
And move on
Live a healthy life
As you so deserve
But it is not easy
And you keep falling back
I want to stand steady
And walk
Because there is still so much
I wish to do
I deserve a chance
To find happiness
And to pursue
What I dream
And dreamt
I wait for it
To turn right
To materialise
And give me a chance
But I hope I manage
To do it right

I just typed down whatever words came to my mind. This was not an attempt at poetry or writing, it was just thinking of words and typing the first word or sentence that came to my mind. I kind of liked the result so I am posting it.

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Questions in my mind..

I ask myself today like I have asked several times before if there is a true moving on or is it just fading out and fading in at intervals?

Will I ever live a normal life? Or will I always live my life in suspicion and mistrust? Is this the normal way to live? When people say “trust me” why do they say it so easily? How can you really know that a person who keeps your trust once will keep your trust always?

Will I always be this damaged and paranoid? Will I always feel out of touch with the people in the room and have flashbacks of past pathetic memories? Am I the only one like this? Everyone has something to be sad about, then why am I the only one like this? Is there a secret that I don’t know?

Do I think like this because I think of myself as the victim? Is that it? When I stop thinking of myself as a victim and feel strong and in control suddenly? Do we all just consider our own stories to be the most important? Do we feel the need to be considered important even if it is for a pathetic reason?

Is this all because I think a lot? Should I stop thinking?
Keep my mind blank? Is it the same as pretending my feelings don’t exist? Will I be dissociating or doing something harmful by living by the assumption that there is nothing really that I feel bad about and I should focus on my present?

Do I make a big deal about things? If so why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to do this?

Will I ever get true love? Will the man allow me the freedom I need? Will I always be in the fear of losing my freedom? Will I be able to truly love anyone? Will I be able to commit my life to another person? What is love without trust and yet am I capable of trusting? Will I be lonely and detached forever? Am I permanently damaged somehow? Or is it all just in my head? Why does it change everyday?

Does all this matter at all? Does life matter at all? Do all the rules, culture, principles and laws mean anything? Does it really matter if I am a psychopath and get pleasure by killing and torturing people? Are we really punished for our sins or blessed for our good deeds or are all these just created in our minds so that we can find meaning in life?

Is there any meaning in life? Does my existence matter?

Why should I care? Why DO I care?

Alone..

She stood on the terrace and watched the lightening strike again and again. As the rain fell heavier and heavier she allowed herself to soak in the water. Cold water trickled through her whole body. Tears mingled with the water that flowed down her face. She was beginning to shiver slightly. But she just stood that way – hands outstretched face upwards and crying like she was begging for mercy and God just roared back in reply. Tired she just closed her eyes, God would take her back with him, she didn’t belong on earth.

She started falling backward. She splashed into water and fell deeper and deeper into it. There was water all around her now, she couldn’t open her eyes , she just kept falling deeper and deeper into the water. There was no landing , no floating, the water was bottomless. she just kept falling. Then she realized that she couldn’t breathe in water. She tried but there was no oxygen flowing in. Only water. She started choking. She gasped for air and woke up.

She was on the cold stone of her terrace. She was still wet, the stone was also wet. But it had stopped raining. She had stopped crying. Her face felt sticky and filthy. She felt like a complete mess, unclean both physically and spiritually. Nothing was clean about her. Her bones were in pain. Her head was throbbing. She felt heavy and immobile. The stone was very cold but she couldn’t get up. She had lost command over her body. She couldn’t make it move. She couldn’t get up.

She started weeping again, weeping and wailing. She wanted someone to hold her hand , hug her. But she was too dirty for anyone to touch her. She was abandoned and alone.