Stepping away..

But why won’t she just stay calm and let things be
Why hold on too tightly to something then erase it all
Like a middle ground makes no sense
Swinging like a pendulum
from unbelievable happiness to unexplained grief
Though life is always good
In its own delicious way
It mixes the right amounts
Of moments of happiness and those of pain
If only she knew how to ride the waves
Of love
Instead of drowning herself in the highs and suffocating in the lows
If only she knew how
But the only way she knows is to throw it all away
Step away from the water
And watch longingly
From far far away

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Because she might fall…

Calm moments…
when you are trying to get a hold over your life and thoughts
and suddenly
out of nowhere
a realisation of reality comes to you and you are hit
by this wave of overpowering emotion
that makes your legs weak and your body tremble.
You shut your eyes tight and clutch yourself.
Because the only other alternative is to scream loudly and run away
to no place.
Because there is absolutely no one you know who can help you with this.
Because you can’t explain the extent of helplessness.
Because you are alone in your fall
and you are doing something that is your only shot
at making your life work and if anything goes wrong ,
you no longer have any alternate plans
there is no loved one out there who actually knows how deep in shit you actually are

and despite all this there is a child in you who doesn’t give a fuck and just wants to while the time away,
not care about bills or security or future.
Just do what she stubbornly wants to do

and then you look around and there’s no one else like you.
Everyone seems sorted.
Pretty girls with time to groom and chirp around
and people who are going around travelling and having fun and reading books
and doing regular jobs with a career plan
and going out for dinner with their gang or boyfriends or girlfriends
and knowing what’s coming next
and knowing how to love without screwing up or getting screwed…
not having to lie about themselves to anyone…
living a life where they know they always have a loved one to go and hold when things seem scary.

I don’t know.
May be this is an illusion.
May be no one really has that sense of security and instead of comforting me this thought scares me more
because that means this is how life is always going to be
and i don’t seem to be handling this well…
so does that mean that something is wrong with me mentally?
that it’s not my life after all..the one that’s screwed up is me…?

Good Mood Days :)

I am in a very good mood since the last two days. I am being able to acknowledge that there is something beautiful, something wonderful about every living person. Yes, I mean EVERY living person.

I know this sounds strange coming from a paranoid person like me. But I am starting to think that every person has a role to play in the world and in your story. The evil abuser, narcissist, sociopath, controlling mother, abusive husband, all of them were there in your life to change you in a certain way, to take you ahead in your story.

I feel today the need to nurture the best I can see in every person I speak to. I have a feeling that it will lead to something good. Not for the person, but for me. The feeling that I don’t have to live in suspicion but can love everyone and give everyone reason to smile is very liberating.  

So does this mean I want to take the risk again? I think it is more on the lines of what one friend with narcissistic personality disorder under treatment had told me. Don’t change yourself, but define your boundaries. So you will know when someone tries too hard to get past your boundary. All you would really have to do is ensure that no one gets past it. Don’t avoid, just know where to draw the line. Protect yourself but don’t avoid living because you fear getting hurt. Don’t tolerate when things turn bad, but don’t avoid the situation altogether. Just learn to raise your voice once in a while and fight for yourself.

I think these happy thoughts are a result of my good mood today 🙂 I don’t really know how long this will last, but I hope it lasts longer and brings real change in me 🙂