I have woken up today feeling a little sad. It’s better than yesterday. Yesterday, I woke up feeling intense anger. But anger is a fuel that makes you do things. Sadness can drain you. We humans go through a range of emotions. But I have mostly sadness and depression and anger and bursts of happiness in between. Or wait. Is this true for all humans. Who knows. I try hard to keep a positive attitude sometimes. The quality of my life has definitely improved in many ways but I have lost friends since I moved houses and shifted to a remote location. One can argue that this is beautiful. Finally I have the time to write and be on my own. Think over things. Meditate and focus inside. And that is what I thought too. But I had to go through a heartbreak after moving here. And heartbreaks tend to highlight the loneliness and undesirability around you.
I know I know. I need to look at this differently. I need to be an independent woman. Earn my own money and not need external validation. But aren’t we primarily social beings who do need some external validation.
I could still change things. Spend more time reading. Spend time on meditation. Spend time on listening to good music till i feel like starting work again. Soothe myself to that place where I am not craving affection from another human. That sounds like a good plan. Reading should help.
None of this would earn me any money. But atleast I would save on therapy.
They say my writing is good. I am sure anyone reading this will laugh at the notion. But on any good sorted day I think I can manage a good essay. I wish I could earn through writing. But commercial writing as with commercial music, has nothing to do with good writing. It has everything to do with SEO and click baits.
I was talking to my ex the other day and he said I may have a “not good enough” problem. He was trying to explain that I have always felt that i was not good enough. During engineering, when I was doing my job, during MBA and now that I am trying to be a musician. I am always saying I need to learn more so I will be good enough. And now that I think about writing, I am feeling this again. May be he is right. May be i have to learn to say i am good enough. Is it that simple though? Doesn’t seem so to me. I will leave it to my imaginary readers to comment with their opinion about this. Do you think not being good enough is all in the mind? Would you say a mediocre writer or singer or engineer is worthy of doing professional work?
Meanwhile I think I am going to download a P G Wodehouse on my Kindle to try and laugh a little and may be add the influence of comedy into my own writing as well. (Suggestions for good books to lift my spirits are also welcome.)
itsnevertheend 