My Fort Is My Heaven.

Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
Is love
nothing else
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
anymore no
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.

When does it get better?

I didn’t know this growing up. But I was always in a state of longing for something. Something that would come and change everything. Make my life good. And I could breathe a sigh of relief. Then I figured I need to leave my home, because that was after all the source of all negativity. But no, you cannot detach yourself that easily. Your family has control over your head even from miles away.

Any way…no one knows my struggle. And today I meet people who judge me for my decisions and for how far behind I am. What do they know.

The fight all my life was
For getting into the game
But now that I am here
I am far behind
The last person running
New players have entered
And they mock me
Because they are already running faster
I have after all grown old
And I have baggage to carry
So I am running , dragging
But I am slow
And I take too many breaks
It’s not good , because
no one here is going to listen to my reasons
I am all alone again
I am on the path of my dreams
But I have no friends

Deep focus

I have been fascinated for a while with the concept of deep focus. Giving your 100% to a work, without distractions. Completely isolating yourself. And then I met a guy who does exactly this. That was enough motivation for me to finally try it.

I lasted half a day. Then suddenly I crashed. Pinged all my friends, watched three episodes of a movie series, ordered junk food. Then started going back into depression. It was good till I crashed. I was working on things with focus. But towards the end I started questioning my work, why was i working hard? For what?

I know why I am working hard. For success. To become really good at what I do. But still there is some factor missing in the motivation.

Any thoughts?

Risk

I knew
I always knew the risk
I knew
I knew it was not easy

But I also knew the risk

Of not trying ever,
The risk of losing
That ray of hope

It was not worth it
Just to stay safe
It didn’t make any sense

I had to jump
Even if it meant
Falling Hurting
Losing everything

But
I had nothing to start with
Nothing but hope
And a message from someone

That nothing mattered

Only
Living without ever giving up
Living in the best way possible
With whatever we have.

Float

Some days are going to be like this
It’ll feel as if everything’s out of your reach
I feel as if I have lost all that I worked for
All that I held dear
But does it ever really go away

I have sunk a bit out of it’s reach
Down here it’s gloomy, nothing is clear
I’m used to staying sad this way
Habits are more comfortable sometimes
Familiar even if toxic

Sometimes we have to fight with ourselves
To not be sad
Seems so ironic
But it’s also beautiful, depends on how we see it
Sadness often paints a beautiful picture
And like every drowning man needs to know
All we need to do is not fight, but float

Float with the darkness, float with the pain,
Till we are back on the surface
And we can see the sunlight once again.

Saying NO

We have to say no. Have to say no several times. To parties, to people that only waste your time, to “opportunities” that’ll only keep you stuck doing things you don’t enjoy. And it seems as if you are missing out on something great because who would possibly say no right? But it’s almost as if the universe tempts you to fail. The moment you get resolved to do something it’ll present you with temptations. But if your resolve is strong you will say no. Otherwise you are fickle. And the fickle minded keep bouncing around reacting to people around them and blaming circumstances.

I’m back!

I’m back!
Not that I had gone anywhere. But I’m back from feeling like I need a guy in life to replace some void created by another. I’m back from suddenly becoming a person who was seeking love and validation outside. And I’m now no longer a person who attaches her identity to being a victim of bad parenting and sexual assault. I am now a proud person.

I love how I changed my life, took it on a path that others can only dream of and after all the uncertainty I am now stable on this path. I’m proud of being a person who is not stuck to social norms and has carved her own path through all sorts of obstacles. I can see myself achieving my dreams very soon. All of them. One by one. So no more going after people who only cheated me or used me or treated me like I meant nothing more than someone to fulfill their needs. I suddenly don’t even care enough to be hurt by them. I just have better, more important things to do. And only those who value this about me may stay. Others are free to leave as they can cause me no good.

Questions

Sometimes you just can’t make sense of why some things happen in your life. Why meet someone who touches your heart only to be tossed aside like you mean nothing to them. Why should we go through more pain when there is already an endless supply of it and all you are looking for is some respite from it.

I usually know. I understand why something happens and how I must make sense of it. But today I am blank. I don’t understand why I must keep going through hurt from family, from friends and now even from people I just met. How careful can one be.

I refuse to meet anyone now. I refuse to try to do anything at all. I want peace. That is all i demand. Peace of mind. All I ask is to get some space away from all the people shouting their expectations at me. I want to stop listening to anyone and I want to stop caring about how my actions hurt anyone. Clearly, others don’t care how their actions hurt me.

I am today questioning again why I must live. Not because my life is devoid of passion but because I am devoid of any will to continue this struggle.

I want that one solution that will help me to bring peace in my existence. So I can quietly focus all my energies on music, without being distracted by pointless pain. Please give me no more drama. Please instead give me strength and mental peace to look after myself alone.

Random thoughts of a dreamer

Some random thoughts

Thought 1: I don’t know what life will be like when I grow old. May be I’ll be bed ridden, may be I won’t remember anything. May be I won’t grow old. May be I won’t live that long. But today I can say one thing confidently. I would’ve lived well. Every day since first stepped out of my home, has been a journey towards self discovery and every day since I quit my job has been a life of living my passion. May be I haven’t reached where I wish to be yet. But that doesn’t matter. The fact that I am on the journey now, that itself gives me peace. So even if I die today, I won’t have any regrets of not having done something. I am doing everything I can.

Thought 2: When someone tells you that they are taking the risk of pursuing their dreams, most people get judgemental. They tell them they are not ready yet, that they should take it slow. They need to learn this and improve that before they can even start.

That person has decided to take the risk, why make them look back? Help them make it work. Or don’t say anything. Why discourage?

Instead why not do this. Tell that person they are amazing for having taken this decision. If you can, guide them as to what can be done next. Applaud them every time they achieve a small success. This way you will give them the strength to continue. And persistence is all it really takes.

Thought 3: As a performer , when I put myself out there on the stage for the audience to judge, sometimes I lose sight of my goal. Pleasing the audience becomes my sole aim. Then in moments of peace, by meditating or clearing my head, I realise that my goal was to perfect my ability to sing and my understanding of music. My goal is to become a musician and a singer that I can listen to and feel proud of. And my goal is to spend my lifetime on this path. So may be the audience didn’t like me today, but it’s not supposed to happen in a day. May be pleasing the audience is the short term requirement that is important. But if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean there is no other way of achieving my main goal. The focus should be on working on my main goal every day and one of life’s miracles will unfold and I will find a way to make it happen. I know this sounds like a fantasy. But I have experienced this. Doors do open in ways we would never imagine. As long as we spend some time working on our dreams every day or every alternate day, we can be assured that doors will appear to new paths.

Thought 4: Plans can go haywire. What worked for the last 5 days may stop working now. You may lose things unexpectedly. You may have to start from scratch and it may all seem like a waste. But all of this will add up. So keep planning, keep trying new ways, keep restarting and keep retrying old ideas in new ways. You will be happy about it one day.

That’s it for today. I am not going to promise that I’ll write every day. Because I never keep that promise. But I am happy that whenever i write these days, it’s because I am very happy and I want to share my happiness unlike old days. I am glad that this blog is one place where part of my journey from difficult times to happy times is recorded for me as a reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am today! Thank you God, Thank you Universe, thank you bloggers, thank you Music, Thank you to myself for bringing me this far :). Good day and Merry Christmas!!!