I am in a very good mood since the last two days. I am being able to acknowledge that there is something beautiful, something wonderful about every living person. Yes, I mean EVERY living person.
I know this sounds strange coming from a paranoid person like me. But I am starting to think that every person has a role to play in the world and in your story. The evil abuser, narcissist, sociopath, controlling mother, abusive husband, all of them were there in your life to change you in a certain way, to take you ahead in your story.
I feel today the need to nurture the best I can see in every person I speak to. I have a feeling that it will lead to something good. Not for the person, but for me. The feeling that I don’t have to live in suspicion but can love everyone and give everyone reason to smile is very liberating.
So does this mean I want to take the risk again? I think it is more on the lines of what one friend with narcissistic personality disorder under treatment had told me. Don’t change yourself, but define your boundaries. So you will know when someone tries too hard to get past your boundary. All you would really have to do is ensure that no one gets past it. Don’t avoid, just know where to draw the line. Protect yourself but don’t avoid living because you fear getting hurt. Don’t tolerate when things turn bad, but don’t avoid the situation altogether. Just learn to raise your voice once in a while and fight for yourself.
I think these happy thoughts are a result of my good mood today 🙂 I don’t really know how long this will last, but I hope it lasts longer and brings real change in me 🙂
The bottom line is ………….. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST ……… The ruthless truth. Crib and complain all you want, but if you don’t like something, you have to change it. There is no other way. If you don’t change it then you are just weak and nature will eliminate you. So better just decide to fight because surviving is YOUR RIGHT!
What do we do when someone has been really nice and helpful to us; when someone has been there for us when no one else was there? We tell them that we are obliged to them. We look at the people with high regard, develop a certain trust for them, and try to help them too when they seem to be in need or try to do something that would make them happy, just to give back what we got from them.
But what do we do when the same people turn nasty. Do things that hurt you, make you sacrifice what is important to you, because you need to be there for them now. Get you to come back to them for more and more help? Tell you that you need to be there because they have no one else? What do you do? Stay with them and suffer because you had promised you will always be there? Or turn into an ungrateful bitch, forget all promises and everything they had done for you and just desert them; leave them to die alone.
Are those people really suffering? Or are they plain manipulative like some say? Don’t manipulative people get lonely too? But am I obliged to lose my sense of self, to make them happy? What if you have manipulative parents who worked hard and sacrificed so that they earned the right to decide how you live your life? If you desert them now, they lose their purpose for living. You become the reason for their breakdown. How can you be a good person if you ditch your own parents? People who have done so much and lost so much for you?
Worse still, what do you do when you already know that the person is not a good person, but he is the only person who can help you with your problem or the only person who has offered to help? Have you ever been in this situation? Where you are desperate for something and the only way you can achieve it is by receiving help from a person you don’t like much?
This is why I hate taking help from people. I freak out when I realize that the only way out of a situation is to take help from someone. I prefer to walk alone, my own way. I make many mistakes, but at least I am not obliged to suffer. Am I wrong? I make grave mistakes sometimes. People call me high headed and arrogant for not listening to them. We are social animals with our own individual unique gifts. We all have to help each other with whatever gifts we have. I agree with this. I am willing to help, but I am not able to bear the consequences of taking help from people. When I make mistakes I cry because it proves to me that I am not capable, that I need to please people, submit myself to them, take their help. It is something I hate. But am I destined to be like this? How do others sail through life, getting things the way they want? Am I missing something?
This post is a question to anyone who reads this. Do you feel this way too? What is the solution for this? Please comment and tell me if you have an answer. If I ever get an answer to this myself, I will surely post it here for the benefit of whoever reads this. Thank you.