I have been forced to pause and it’s driving me crazy. I was ready with a plan and a lot of hard work put in and now I have to helplessly sit around waiting because of sickness. If my voice doesn’t get better before Sunday all the hard work I put in might go to waste. I mean in the long term, the practice would have helped. But I was really aiming to sing well this Sunday. I had spent hours practising for this Sunday’s performance and in the last week I have not been able to spend even half an hour on it. Singing is like the fuel inside me that keeps me wanting to go on living. And now I feel aimless. Like some big part of me is missing.
What should I do? Should I just let go? And do what?
What if instead of fixating on what I cannot do, I try to figure out what I can do. Like take up a course that makes me better at sound editing or movie making or some other skill. Or practice piano better. But I am fixating and obsessing. It’s my childhood all over again. Instead of focusing on the present and making the best of the things I was getting then, I kept fixating on how I didn’t get to learn and practice music. I still got to read and write. I could have been a great student of engineering or computer programming. That skill could have helped me become a freelancer now.
So much can be extracted from life if we knew how to stay calm and think long term.
Some say we are nothing but tiny dots like any other rock or sand particle. One day we will cease to exist and just become one of those rocks again. Others prefer the more mysterious “the universe exists for us and events in the universe are connected to events in our life” theory. You cannot deny that everything about us, our brain, our society, the things that drive people to do great things, makes you suspect that there is more to us than we are able to see or understand with our limited abilities.
I like to believe this. That we are more than we understand, and an important part of universe. I also believe that when we die our understanding will expand and we will see things very differently from how we see it now. But I am not sure I understand why we put ourselves in this situation of narrow point of view.
Most of my understanding of life comes from experience and observation. I don’t think I ever had an “I just know it” moment. But I have noticed that some people are just wise. As if they are born with it. And I wonder how that happens. Did they have experiences in their past life that made them wiser and they just know that to win at this life they have to remember that wisdom. Is it like a game we keep playing till we get everything right? Or is this a very human way of thinking? I for one get obsessed with redoing and rectifying till I get the process right. That I could never manage to actually get it right in the second, third , fourth , millionth attempt is a different point. I mean every time I think I know the answer, and I will get it right this time, life throws a different variable into the equation. And I almost always get that part wrong. So do experiences really make you wiser. Or is there something else here that I am missing? Some Zen level understanding of everything without actually having to go through an experience. Some access to collective wisdom?
I see myself as someone who can produce written content very easily. And with that end in mind, I am planning to have more extempore writing in my life. I see many hurdles here in making this a reality. Unpredictable and busy schedules, volatile moods, etc etc. But I think this needs to be a part of my identity. What I do every day. Write on a topic. Any topic. I can expand this later to include a poem or news comment or something like that. Just to extract more benefit out of the routine. But for now it is a preparation-less writing. To keep that outlet of expression open and active. I don’t want to discover later that lack of use has made it impossible to get anything useful out of my writing without getting a tonne of junk along with it.
I bought one more book on my flight back from Chandigarh. For the thousandth time, I bought a book that I would never read again later. Can you blame me. The book called “Reflections” is a compilation of Swami Vivekananda’s speeches, both speeches by him or about him. But I didn’t finish the book, so don’t take my word for it. It’s a difficult read.
Reading is a bed time activity for me. Yet somehow I fall asleep more with my phone than with my book. That needs to change.
So yes this writing exercise, is around the idea that I attract more situations in my life that revolve around how I see myself. Do I see myself as someone who can write easily. Then I will be presented with more opportunity for writing. Same with singing. When someone asks me to sing a song I feel unprepared and unpractised. Also right now I have very less singing videos online. (You can check it here https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGZlBikGn-b1oh1Q6oMFD0A?view_as=subscriber).
But the reason for this is, I feel I have to prepare a lot before posting each video. I want to be someone who can sing off some song every day on demand. So I plan to make videos every day where I sing a song that comes easily to me. That way I’ll slowly have an identity of someone who can sing a song easily.
Of course this means that the quality of my content may seem to suffer in the beginning. But I think it’ll catch up in time. Also I can always keep deleting content.
Keep going even though it seems dark. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You just owe it to yourself to complete what you have already started. Don’t give up just yet!
Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.
What makes me unique? Despite everything? I don’t give up and I have love in my heart for music. And I am living in misery, some of which I created myself. Yet everyday I drag myself. And if I ever have a family, and if I ever make it to the top, I’ll have the strength. May be. Or may be I need some friends. May be friends are important. They are the anchor that keeps you from drowning. Family is important. When you have an unsupportive family, you will definitely be weak.
So no. I am not strong. Determined yes. But I WILL break down easily. Struggle has not made me stronger. But perhaps it has made me wiser. And I could write a story. May be it has made me kinder. When i do have friends and family, may be I will value them.
May be this is necessary for art. To have a life that’s different. To feel pain and be able to write and sing about it. But I have lost the ability to empathise. I am so lost in my own pain. May be combine my pain with empathy and may be I can write stories. May be if I could view my own life as a story. And be a viewer. May be then I would be able to see. May be then I can step into shoes. Become a completely different person. May be then I would jump quickly from one experience to another, instead of being stuck on one for days even after it’s over.
May be that’s what is missing. Perspective. The ability to view my life as a story.
You were the last straw
It’s too much of a responsibility for you I know
Being told that
You were just looking for a day’s fun
But I was letting myself get swayed by your pretence
Foolish though it was
That hidden part of me that still had hope
Peeking through half closed doors
One last time
But now that door is shut
That last time was enough confirmation
That it need not resurface ever in this life time
This is what life has planned for me
The sooner I accept the sooner I can begin
To love myself
To gift myself with what delights me
To take myself out on a date and be happy
To be my own companion
I hope this relationship lasts.
I have been fascinated for a while with the concept of deep focus. Giving your 100% to a work, without distractions. Completely isolating yourself. And then I met a guy who does exactly this. That was enough motivation for me to finally try it.
I lasted half a day. Then suddenly I crashed. Pinged all my friends, watched three episodes of a movie series, ordered junk food. Then started going back into depression. It was good till I crashed. I was working on things with focus. But towards the end I started questioning my work, why was i working hard? For what?
I know why I am working hard. For success. To become really good at what I do. But still there is some factor missing in the motivation.
I always knew the risk
I knew it was not easy
But I also knew the risk
Of not trying ever,
The risk of losing
That ray of hope
It was not worth it
Just to stay safe
It didn’t make any sense
I had to jump
Even if it meant
I had nothing to start with
Nothing but hope
And a message from someone
That nothing mattered
Living without ever giving up
Living in the best way possible
With whatever we have.