Life is a celebration of freedom if you are able to see it that way. I mean I want to say this. But what’s really on my mind is this. Life is a struggle, it’s a pain. On most days. On many days. On some days. This is that struggle between the part of me that wants to be positive and the part of me that wants to express. Both are important. I think expressing is important because it’s important to know what’s really on our mind.

But yes I want to be free and it’s possible. When we get rid of any fear we feel liberated and then we realise that anything is possible. Anything can be done. But in the course of living life in this society that fear tends to creep back in. And so it becomes necessary to be in touch with ourselves once in a while. Take a break from humanity, lock yourself up in your room, go to a village, mountains, whatever it takes. It seems like a dramatic step of escapism. Yet I feel, it’s not dramatic or extreme at all. It is actually rejuvenating and should be treated as a necessary periodic ritual and nothing more.

I say this, because today I feel the need for this. I yearn for human company to validate me, to make me feel wanted and needed and appreciated. I think this is an indicator of the fact that I have lost touch with myself.

My Fort Is My Heaven.

Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
Is love
nothing else
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
anymore no
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.

Peace and Happiness

I like to make life simple and restful for people. When people are in my company I like to make them comfortable and I like to make them feel good about themselves. I like it when everyone around me is smiling and happy and laughing about something. Yet people end up with jealousy, anger, deceit, hatred, hurt. I wonder why they like it. Why can’t they live and let live. I wish a life like that was possible. I will always strive for it while I live.


Some days it feels as if your life and everything else,
is just slipping
from you,
Somewhere sometime you lost something,
And you madly seek it
But it doesn’t come,
Nor do you understand what it is that you seek
You want to get away from it all
And move on
Live a healthy life
As you so deserve
But it is not easy
And you keep falling back
I want to stand steady
And walk
Because there is still so much
I wish to do
I deserve a chance
To find happiness
And to pursue
What I dream
And dreamt
I wait for it
To turn right
To materialise
And give me a chance
But I hope I manage
To do it right

I just typed down whatever words came to my mind. This was not an attempt at poetry or writing, it was just thinking of words and typing the first word or sentence that came to my mind. I kind of liked the result so I am posting it.

Help :(

Bad day. Bad bad day. Dad yelling for everything I do. I feel as if I cannot move a limb without making a mistake. I am disgusting and pathetic for making mistakes. I have no sense, no responsibility; I behave like a “layman”. Anything I speak is also pathetic. My writing is unorganised, devoid of structure and banal. If I try to correct myself I am more pathetic.

The way I walk is all wrong, and I don’t make any efforts to improve my walking style. My right hand does not sway enough with each step. I walk with a bounce; I should keep my upper body firm and move only my legs. I drag my legs; I should lift them up from the ground. The way I move my legs is very laid back, I should move them more firmly – This I my everyday morning walk with him.

Ditto for my MBA College, apparently the reason why people hate MBAs is because of the way my college is behaving right now – all the “useless” procedures and lack of response to queries.

Being a father is thankless, for all he does he does not even get a “thanks” from his children. Also being an engineer my score in the recent GATE exam is pathetic. My academic scores during my engineering were also shameful.

I should be ashamed of myself. As children of virtuous parents we don’t even make any effort for fulfilling their dreams. We don’t understand how much stress we put them through. It is always what we want. We are selfish, self-centred.

I feel like a burden, a trapped burden. I want to get away from all this. I want to look after myself. I am tired. Tied down. Help.

The bottom line is ………….. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST ……… The ruthless truth. Crib and complain all you want, but if you don’t like something, you have to change it. There is no other way. If you don’t change it then you are just weak and nature will eliminate you. So better just decide to fight because surviving is YOUR RIGHT!

Fighting our own way..

I want to help people in despair. I don’t want people to feel helpless. When I have the means I want to make a place where people can go to solve their problems. Where they will get whatever help they require and they pay by helping one other person in the place.

I have been getting one recurring dream since the past one year. A dream where there is a little 3 or 4 year old girl in my house (whom I’ve never seen in reality). For some reason no one else in the house notices her or gives her any attention. My mom and sister come and go, say something, but don’t bother much. And the girl just sits around somewhere unsmiling, unspeaking and I try to get her to talk, get her to laugh. I hold her, comfort her and try to ask her what she wants. She somehow means a lot to me. In one dream I was trying different pretty ear rings on her ears and asking her to look in the mirror. I was trying hard to make her happy, but she just looked on with a blank expression in her eyes. I don’t know what this dream means.

Some of us need monetary help, most of us need a listening ear, a word of advice or guidance or just answers to our questions. Others need encouragement and the assurance that they have a place to go to if their plan goes wrong somehow. The world is full of tormented souls, and manipulative people some of whom were themselves tormented in the past. Some people are lucky to find a way, some people are very brave, they fight tooth and nail.

And there are others bound by shackles, shackles that tighten their bonds around your ankle when the captor senses that you are trying to escape. But if you stand still, the shackles stay loose and seem to not bind you. What does one learn in this situation? Don’t we all learn to do what is good for us? Would you blame the captive for not trying to escape? Most do. It is sad but true. The captive lives in a world of rejection. Rejection from her captor who despises her for wanting to escape. Rejection from the world because she is such a coward she won’t fight for her rights.

Yet no one realizes that the decisions she takes are what she hopes will help her survive. She hopes, for only hope keeps us alive, but she cannot take a rash decision that will tighten the shackles around her for life.

But the judgmental people out there don’t understand that they are making things worse for her. I want to change this. I want to help her get out of this situation. I want to give her whatever it takes for her to come out victorious.

Life is not easy; I don’t say it should be. But why should it be terrible for some? Why a person should be mocked at for being meek when he or she has been taught that being meek is the right way to be. In my own home, my sister learnt from my narcissistic parent to be selfish and do things as she pleased. She learnt that worrying about hurting people’s feelings means she would have to sacrifice what she wants. I learnt from the codependent parent to try and guess the feelings of people and not dare to hurt them. Sacrificing your own wishes to avoid hurting the elders was looked at in high regard and I wanted to be the noble girl who took care of the happiness of the people around her. However thankfully I retained my self loving side that made me question this concept of sacrifice.

I try hard today to make myself more demanding and more straightforward. I try not to be afraid of the negative reaction from people. I try to take my own decisions and work on my own instead of giving in to the desire that someone should hold my hand and tell me how to do my work. But it is really hard because co-dependency creeps in silently without me realizing. But I keep trying and I will continue to try.

I just get angry that people judge based on what they themselves could do, or someone they know or read about could do. What they don’t realize is that every human being is different and unique. You cannot expect people to walk on the same path that worked for you. For some, it would be harder than others to walk on that path. But they are somehow judged if they refuse to take the path that others took to win their battle.

I wish people knew how to respect individuality.

I am rambling today; I am not in a good mood. I am going against my own advice and publishing more than one post today. But I cannot help it. I need this today. Not a good day. But I hope I will survive this and win my fight..

Craving for freedom

Trapped like a caged bird,
It’s suffocating, how this is,
I want to get away; I want to feel happy again,
I’ve felt it, felt it before don’t know when,
The fresh happiness and unadulterated pain,
Life is long and vain,
I am trapped, I crave for control,
Control over my own life,
I crave to do the things,
That I have dreamed,
Set set set me free,
It is too much to bear
Too much pain
Love is but a farce,
There is no such thing,
They all just take away a little of me from me,
The love as I had thought of, does not exist,
I was but a fool to bond with humans,
They don’t care, they don’t care,
Let me be sometimes, I have life in me,
Sacrifice sacrifice,
This will last how long,
I am crushed in pain,
Life is still just the same,
I am trapped in this forlorn cage,
Help me, help me,
Someone please, before I go insane.

Loneliness or solitude? Which way will I go, which way will I end up? I don’t know, I wish I did know. I like people, but I am paranoid about them. I have to learn to bond with people without having to live for them. But how? I always fail. People either hate me or make me their slave. There are times when I hang by a thread. Just a phase, just a phase. But its hard to know it when you r in it. But I tell myself, it will pass.

When “bad” people offer to help

What do we do when someone has been really nice and helpful to us; when someone has been there for us when no one else was there? We tell them that we are obliged to them. We look at the people with high regard, develop a certain trust for them, and try to help them too when they seem to be in need or try to do something that would make them happy, just to give back what we got from them.

But what do we do when the same people turn nasty. Do things that hurt you, make you sacrifice what is important to you, because you need to be there for them now. Get you to come back to them for more and more help? Tell you that you need to be there because they have no one else? What do you do? Stay with them and suffer because you had promised you will always be there? Or turn into an ungrateful bitch, forget all promises and everything they had done for you and just desert them; leave them to die alone.

Are those people really suffering? Or are they plain manipulative like some say? Don’t manipulative people get lonely too? But am I obliged to lose my sense of self, to make them happy? What if you have manipulative parents who worked hard and sacrificed so that they earned the right to decide how you live your life? If you desert them now, they lose their purpose for living. You become the reason for their breakdown. How can you be a good person if you ditch your own parents? People who have done so much and lost so much for you?

Worse still, what do you do when you already know that the person is not a good person, but he is the only person who can help you with your problem or the only person who has offered to help? Have you ever been in this situation? Where you are desperate for something and the only way you can achieve it is by receiving help from a person you don’t like much?

This is why I hate taking help from people. I freak out when I realize that the only way out of a situation is to take help from someone. I prefer to walk alone, my own way. I make many mistakes, but at least I am not obliged to suffer. Am I wrong? I make grave mistakes sometimes. People call me high headed and arrogant for not listening to them. We are social animals with our own individual unique gifts. We all have to help each other with whatever gifts we have. I agree with this. I am willing to help, but I am not able to bear the consequences of taking help from people. When I make mistakes I cry because it proves to me that I am not capable, that I need to please people, submit myself to them, take their help. It is something I hate. But am I destined to be like this? How do others sail through life, getting things the way they want? Am I missing something?

This post is a question to anyone who reads this. Do you feel this way too? What is the solution for this? Please comment and tell me if you have an answer. If I ever get an answer to this myself, I will surely post it here for the benefit of whoever reads this. Thank you.