My Fort Is My Heaven.

Hurt hurt hurt hurt
so many times
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I am cold as stone
In or out
NO half ass human shit for me
The beauty of sitting alone with my music
Is love
nothing else
I won’t share it with anyone
I have conversed with myself all these years
Been there when no one else was there
Craved for love and loved myself
Why should I let anyone in now
This is perfect
Me me myself and music
I don’t need anyone human
When I have all of this
It’s too late now,
Don’t even try
I won’t let anyone touch this
anymore no
I am happy now
And this is my heaven.

Diary entry – 14th may 2016 – Part 2

The best thing about keeping a diary is the honesty.

You have to pretend all the time in front of the world. Act appropriate, filter your words so that people won’t judge you, filter your words so that the truth doesn’t hurt people, act as if being emotional is creepy. Being sad is dull and boring. You have to act all cheerful and interesting and talk only if you have good things to say about a situation. Otherwise you are being negative. Talk about yourself and you are being selfish. Listen to others all the time and you are being submissive.

So easy to forget your true self, your true thoughts in the midst of all this. But keeping a diary let’s you stay in touch with your true self. No more hidden emotions that even you are no longer aware of. Whatever you pretend to be in front of the world, you are still honest with yourself. And I think that is the single most important quality that every person should have. Honesty with themselves. Acceptance of all your own flaws, your own embarrassing emotions, desires, and needs. Acceptance of ¬†what is good¬†about you and also what is bad about you. As you see it. Not as somebody else sees it.

Acceptance helps you see the reality of the situation and work accordingly. I have seen way too many people lying to themselves and doing things that confuse them in the long run. Because they don’t understand why they are hurting, what they are missing. They compromise with themselves, switch off that thing inside that reminds them of what they really want and pretend that they are happy with the way things are.

Yet that thing inside never stays silent. You can try your best. You can ignore and try to enjoy every day of your life. But that thing inside will call you again. If you listen to it, you will try to do the right thing. If you don’t listen and suppress it, you will not only not do the right thing, but the regret you feel for it, will always be there inside even though you have forgotten or refuse to remember why.