I am addicted. To a person. I crave his voice, long for his phone calls, feel his hugs, co-dependence at it’s best. I dream of living a life dedicated to him, forgetting all of my own dreams and just doing my best to make his dreams come true.
I know this won’t happen. I also know that this SHOULDN’T happen. That’s why I push him away as much as I miss him. I know he’ll be my end if I let him consume me. He feels it. He gets affected when I pull away. He enjoys the attention and admiration. He knows he has a control over me at times. He also feels it when he loses the control. I affect him. I like the fact that I affect him and he is unaware of this situation. He doesn’t understand our chemistry as well as I do. But I can see my father in him, and parts of past abusers.
I know he is a repeating pattern. Yet I can’t stop myself. He is not an abuser. Atleast not intentionally. He doesn’t realise how his actions hurt. He rationalises them, believes he does it for my good. Just like my dad would say.
I am making excuses for him. Because I feel fond of him. Deep down though I know that I am playing with fire here and if I succumb, I fear I am going to let it consume me.