Baby Steps Towards Improvement..

I did it! Dad yelled at me, and I didn’t break down. I was chanting in my head this newly developed list of words I’ve made for myself.

Strong
Undeterred
Determined
Focused
Energetic
Sincere
Hardworking
Never Give Up!

It kept me sane to some extent. I am not angry OR feeling like hurting myself OR feeling helpless as would generally happen in this situation. I am quite composed in comparison. I am typing a blog post instead. 😀 I am getting better I think. Yes yes!

Though I still have that my life is not in my control thing. There is this interview coming up on 4th April, which I am not interested in giving. But he wants me to go. I tried to avoid once before by telling him that my boss didn’t want me to take leave from work on that day because we have an external audit. Not the right way of going about things I know. I should just tell him directly that I don’t want to go. But this brilliant idea of mine didn’t work anyway.

And today he yelled at me and said if I don’t want to go I should just say so. I was like, what the heck. I was thinking all along that I was being forced, hence I was going. I should have told him the truth immediately. I should have answered, “Yes! I don’t want to go!”

But I didn’t.

In my defence, it is not as easy as it seems.

He would have yelled at me and lectured me on all the reasons why he thinks I should go and wouldn’t stop till I gave in and said “Ok! I will go!”

And if I still didn’t give in then there would have been the taunts every day.

But you would say I never really tried it, how can I just assume and foretell? Valid point. But I just know this from countless previous experiences. And I managed to tolerate the yelling for a short time this time. But I am still not ready for the prolonged yelling that my “no” would have triggered. It scares me. Yes it does. I’ll admit it here. And all the emotional blackmail, taunts and extrapolating to unrelated situations that would have followed.

I know, I know. These are just excuses. I should just turn back, put my foot down and say, “I won’t go because I don’t want to. I am a 23 years old adult so I can take my own decisions!”

Yes sounds good. But no I still can’t do it. Call me a coward. I deserve it. But I can’t see how to do this. And that does leave a depressing feeling behind. But I don’t want to give up. I will keep trying may be…

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2 thoughts on “Baby Steps Towards Improvement..

  1. I know how difficult it is to stand up to one’s parents. I am almost 48, and am not sure I could “survive” a conflict with Dad. I would love to tell him what I think of his current wife, but can’t see myself actually doing it. Your age has nothing to do with that. Not knowing the specifics of your relationship with him, it would be very difficult for any to offer proper advice. So, I suggest; keep doing what you’re doing, and maybe he’ll see the light… someday.

    • Thanks for the advice, yes we have to keep trying, take our little steps 😀 …… I agree it is not about age, but what I was trying to say was that 23 is an age when most people get to take decision for their own life 🙂 …………. about your father and his wife, I don’t know the entire situation, but from the way it sounds I would say he loves his wife so he may not be comfortable hearing negative comments about her, but again I don’t know you story ……. but like you said, we have to keep trying to figure out in our own little way and hope that some day it will no longer be a big problem 🙂

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