I did it! Dad yelled at me, and I didn’t break down. I was chanting in my head this newly developed list of words I’ve made for myself.
Never Give Up!
It kept me sane to some extent. I am not angry OR feeling like hurting myself OR feeling helpless as would generally happen in this situation. I am quite composed in comparison. I am typing a blog post instead. 😀 I am getting better I think. Yes yes!
Though I still have that my life is not in my control thing. There is this interview coming up on 4th April, which I am not interested in giving. But he wants me to go. I tried to avoid once before by telling him that my boss didn’t want me to take leave from work on that day because we have an external audit. Not the right way of going about things I know. I should just tell him directly that I don’t want to go. But this brilliant idea of mine didn’t work anyway.
And today he yelled at me and said if I don’t want to go I should just say so. I was like, what the heck. I was thinking all along that I was being forced, hence I was going. I should have told him the truth immediately. I should have answered, “Yes! I don’t want to go!”
But I didn’t.
In my defence, it is not as easy as it seems.
He would have yelled at me and lectured me on all the reasons why he thinks I should go and wouldn’t stop till I gave in and said “Ok! I will go!”
And if I still didn’t give in then there would have been the taunts every day.
But you would say I never really tried it, how can I just assume and foretell? Valid point. But I just know this from countless previous experiences. And I managed to tolerate the yelling for a short time this time. But I am still not ready for the prolonged yelling that my “no” would have triggered. It scares me. Yes it does. I’ll admit it here. And all the emotional blackmail, taunts and extrapolating to unrelated situations that would have followed.
I know, I know. These are just excuses. I should just turn back, put my foot down and say, “I won’t go because I don’t want to. I am a 23 years old adult so I can take my own decisions!”
Yes sounds good. But no I still can’t do it. Call me a coward. I deserve it. But I can’t see how to do this. And that does leave a depressing feeling behind. But I don’t want to give up. I will keep trying may be…