When “bad” people offer to help

What do we do when someone has been really nice and helpful to us; when someone has been there for us when no one else was there? We tell them that we are obliged to them. We look at the people with high regard, develop a certain trust for them, and try to help them too when they seem to be in need or try to do something that would make them happy, just to give back what we got from them.

But what do we do when the same people turn nasty. Do things that hurt you, make you sacrifice what is important to you, because you need to be there for them now. Get you to come back to them for more and more help? Tell you that you need to be there because they have no one else? What do you do? Stay with them and suffer because you had promised you will always be there? Or turn into an ungrateful bitch, forget all promises and everything they had done for you and just desert them; leave them to die alone.

Are those people really suffering? Or are they plain manipulative like some say? Don’t manipulative people get lonely too? But am I obliged to lose my sense of self, to make them happy? What if you have manipulative parents who worked hard and sacrificed so that they earned the right to decide how you live your life? If you desert them now, they lose their purpose for living. You become the reason for their breakdown. How can you be a good person if you ditch your own parents? People who have done so much and lost so much for you?

Worse still, what do you do when you already know that the person is not a good person, but he is the only person who can help you with your problem or the only person who has offered to help? Have you ever been in this situation? Where you are desperate for something and the only way you can achieve it is by receiving help from a person you don’t like much?

This is why I hate taking help from people. I freak out when I realize that the only way out of a situation is to take help from someone. I prefer to walk alone, my own way. I make many mistakes, but at least I am not obliged to suffer. Am I wrong? I make grave mistakes sometimes. People call me high headed and arrogant for not listening to them. We are social animals with our own individual unique gifts. We all have to help each other with whatever gifts we have. I agree with this. I am willing to help, but I am not able to bear the consequences of taking help from people. When I make mistakes I cry because it proves to me that I am not capable, that I need to please people, submit myself to them, take their help. It is something I hate. But am I destined to be like this? How do others sail through life, getting things the way they want? Am I missing something?

This post is a question to anyone who reads this. Do you feel this way too? What is the solution for this? Please comment and tell me if you have an answer. If I ever get an answer to this myself, I will surely post it here for the benefit of whoever reads this. Thank you.

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7 thoughts on “When “bad” people offer to help

  1. You make a great point. I feel as though a good person will always help and never ask for anything in return, nor manipulate you with the reminder of “remember that time when I helped you…” And if you’re good too you will insist to repay them. But it’s hard to know who is good and who is bad, and as awful as this sounds, I have been selfish and turned my back on those I knew were manipulating me in the past. Mainly because I felt I repaid my debts, though to them what they did for me and what I done for them in return was simply “not enough”. On one occasion it was, they picked me up when I was stranded and then I did the same for them but somehow still owed them…

    I too, hate asking for help, it is a hit to my pride and I hate the feeling that I owe someone something – mainly because people use that sort of stuff against you. But to answer your question, it depends largely on your relationship with the person in need and what they’re actually asking for. Family is a lot harder though.

    Whatever the case, I think it comes down to knowing when enough is enough and sticking to your guns.

    I have rambled, I tend to do that late at night (it’s 1 in the morning here), so I don’t know if this has answered any of your questions haha I apologise

    • Hey sianmann 🙂 thanks for trying to answer my question ….you are right, we have to draw a line and walk away if it gets really bad …… but sometimes like you said it is family and sometimes it is too late when you realize you were being taken for a ride ….. worse still it leaves some kind of scar on me when I have to turn my back to such people …….

      Do not apologize though 🙂 late night is the time when we speak our minds without inhibitions, so we are more honest 😀 …… this is a hard question ……… its hard to get an answer to it …… but it feels good to hear from someone who feels the same way. At least I know that I am not alone 🙂

  2. ‘What if you have manipulative parents who worked hard and sacrificed so that they earned the right to decide how you live your life?’

    as a parent myself, i guess the premise of this question is a bit troubling. i don’t believe anyone has a right to determine how another person lives. a parent’s responsibility, among many others IS to sacrifice, if that’s what has to be done to prepare and encourage a child to flourish. constant reminders of their sacrifice, the assumption that those sacrifices made somehow gives the parent the right to determine your fate, is emotional blackmail, it’s manipulative and is akin to servitude.

    of course, if you are living under the same roof, the opportunities to become your own person is more difficult. the sooner you leave, stand on your own, make your own decisions and are responsible for the consequences, the sooner those manipulative chains will be snapped. i was out of the house at 17, though it was much easier then in the ’70’s, jobs and opportunities were plentiful, not so today. I made a ton of mistakes but they were my mistakes, mine to learn and hopefully grow from.

    they are your parents, that doesn’t automatically make their behavior and decisions correct.

    be well and keep the light.

    • Hey it was a really sweet post and a beautiful poem, it deserved a like 🙂

      I understand what you mean when you say I should move away. It is not easy because they are very cautious about letting me go for the same reason. I am still trying though.

      I could just break contact and leave without bothering about hurting feelings, but it would mean I would have to switch off the guilt I feel, I am not sure if that is right or not. To be honest, I keep fluctuating between wanting to just leave and feeling that I don’t want to hurt them,

      Having said that, it felt good to have a parent make me see the point of view, that it is the parents’ responsibility to sacrifice for the child. I shouldn’t allow myself to believe that this automatically gives them the right to determine my fate. What you said has kind of eased a burden from my heart. Thank you so much for your insight. I am sure you are a very good father 🙂 Your blogs are beautiful, I am following them from now on 🙂

      • you are very welcome.

        i learned some tough lessons from bad parenting as a kid, mistakes i try not to make with my own daughter. of course, i’ll make some of my own but that’s part of parenting and maturing…..we all have to make our mistakes.

        from what i understand, there will be hurt feelings regardless. you are being hurt and stunted emotionally being there, you will no doubt be asked to pay a price when and if you leave.

        but at some point, we all have to take a stand for ourselves, for our personhood because no one else will. from my experience, bruised feelings will heal, sure it takes time but it will happen.

        thanks for the follow and keep the light.

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